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Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: bwoodward1 on May 03, 2014, 09:11:35 pm
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I've been married for 35 years and my spouse recently cheated on me with as far as I know 2 different people >:(
should I forgive and try to forget? Poision his dinner? :silly: get to a priest fast or a counselor ::) or run for the hills as fast as I can? ::) :-X :'( :confused1: :silly: :neutral:
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Committing adultry is grounds for divorce scripturally.Not that this world gives a dam anyway.I would suggest you have a long talk with her and you CAN forgive her.It really matters how you feel and i guess after your talk if you feel the marriage is worth saving from both of you.
Remember you are in the best frame of mind knowing if you would like to forgive her and also think she deserves it from any repentance to has.
It probably wouldnt hurt to say a prayer to God and ask him to help you with your decision as well.
I hope it works for you what ever you do.
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Are you dependent on him financially or for any other reason? If so, take steps toward becoming empowered enough to live without him.
If you're not dependent on him, let him know that the marriage is over and that you'll be making changes and moving forward, without him. He has made choices that don't include you and now you need to make a choice that, is in your best interest, even if it doesn't include him.
When a married person cheats...they are consciously, or subconsciously making an effort to sabotage the relationship.
Good Luck. :heart:
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A lot of people would say divorce asap. I however feel that 35 years is worth taking the time to consider everything not just the affair. First how long has the person been cheating? What were the reasons the person cheated. What went wrong in the marriage that the person thought cheating was an option. (I am not saying his cheating is your fault, however it takes two to make a marriage and in 99% of cases it takes two to ruin a marriage. People rarely cheat solely because they are jack asses, there are usually underlining problems in the relationship that both need to work on.) Also aside from the cheating how does the person treat you? Are they abusive (if so get out now) are they an addicted(if so tell them they either get help now or you will be gone now) I say if overall the marriage has been good then it is worth talking with your spiritual leader or a counselor about it and at least giving it an honest shot at repairing the damage.
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Well i don't know a hole lot about marriage (never ben or will be myself) but i know for a fact my father cheated on mom alot and if you have any daughter (or s) then be very concerned (if its a him you didn't be specific on that). You can talk it over but how can you be shure so heres an old saying fool me once shame on me but fool me twice shame on you. Its not healthy to be in a type of relationship where your better 1/2 cheats it can cause a family to be a disfunctional family (& trust me my parents was married for a very very long time). In the end its up to you but in reality theres 3 things that holds a relationship (i know because i study) 1 is love, 2 is trust, 3 is partnership and just like a triangle if 1 of those go its called a flat line relationship. :cat:
But also get opinions but just take it as advice because not everyone is right and do what is right for you (& your children if you have any)
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You're the one that knows what's best for you and your relationship. None of us actually know you or anything about your life
You have to be the one that decides if it's something that can be worked through or if it automatically means your marriage is over
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I was married for 2 years when he was cheating, I kicked him to the curb and quick. Once that trust is gone that was the end for me no question. 35 years is a long time to just throw it all away BUT, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is being faithful? I truly believe that once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat and who wants to live with someone who doesn't take your feelings seriously? you deserve so much better. I found a guy that I know loves me now and I never have to worry about him roaming...I can set my clock by him..he comes home only to ME!!...good luck on what ever you decide to do. Life is to short to waste on someone who doesn't care..I say that because if he REALLY cared he wouldn't have roamed in the first place. I don't care what ANYBODY says....TRUE LOVE Does NOT hurt...now which do YOU want (ask yourself) the answer was a no brainer for me!!!!!!!!!!!
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You're in a tough spot right now. You have a 35 year investment. I think the best advice I could give you right now is not to make any decisions right away out of anger and resentment. Give yourself the gift of time and wait a while to see how you feel. Then I think you will be able to make a less emotional and thus better decision for you.
Give your self some distance; maybe even take a trip so you can think. Don't take advise from anyone right now. I wish you the best and hope things work out the best way for you.
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You're in a tough spot right now. You have a 35 year investment. I think the best advice I could give you right now is not to make any decisions right away out of anger and resentment. Give yourself the gift of time and wait a while to see how you feel. Then I think you will be able to make a less emotional and thus better decision for you.
Give your self some distance; maybe even take a trip so you can think. Don't take advise from anyone right now. I wish you the best and hope things work out the best way for you.
Great advice!! I've been there done that Timberlan but how does one REALLY ever trust again?...I don't care how many sorry's I'd hear and only to cheat AGAIN ugh!! I agree take time to really think but I don't that would change the outcome of him doing it again...she said he has already with 2 people...when does one decide? ...life is 2 short!!
Reminds me of. fool me once shame on you BUT fool me twice!!...etc etc!!
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:o :neutral: :( End it. No one is happy in the relationship and the trust is gone so what's the point?
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Bwood...sorry.....i realize you are a woman now......i just wanna clear that mistake up i made...
Some good advice here....again not being hasty and remembering 35 yrs a longtime.But adultry is grounds for a divorce if you feel it warrants that.Again ask God to help with your decision.....your spouse maybe entitled to forgivness and only YOU can provide that.
Also...are there children involved?I am sure they are older now but maybe the 2 of you should keep them in mind too.I am sure they would want whats best for both of you as well.
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In a long term marriage, there is not as much at stake as opposed to a brand new union. Trust is a key element to any relationship, and if that trust has been broken, only you can decided if it is even possible to rebuild it. It will not happen overnight. Give yourself time and perhaps distance to heal before making any permanent decision.
As in all things seek God's wisdom. Forgiveness is not for him but for your ability to move past this pain.
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I've been married for 35 years and my spouse recently cheated on me with as far as I know 2 different people >:(
should I forgive and try to forget? Poision his dinner? :silly: get to a priest fast or a counselor ::) or run for the hills as fast as I can? ::) :-X :'( :confused1: :silly: :neutral:
We can give you many suggestions here, but in the end, it's all up to you how you want to handle it. The only suggestion I will give to you is that you THINK before you ACT.
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It is tough a time, 35 years isn't short. You two need a long talk, or find a marriage counseling, if that still doesn't work, then you may need to find the next step. If you have children, sometime they are great support.
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Wow this is a tough one because I don't think anyone can really advise someone else in a matter like this....now the only thing that strikes me is if your spouse cheated on you with more than one person its not like you can say well he/she fell in love with someone else and they want to maintain their marriage and it will not happen again. I don't know if this relationship can be salvaged or not - what does your spouse say they want? Good luck I hope this works out for the best for you.
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You need to kick his butt to the curb. If he did it 2 times, no telling when he's gonna do it again. If he cheated, there's a reason why, I'm assuming not happy in the home, and if you don't know what the problem is, then you can't discuss it with him, so he's open t0 do do it again, and you don't need to wonder what he's doing everytime he's not around you. You don't need that headache.
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Since it's with 2 different people I think I would kick him out if you can afford to. It's not as though he loves someone else. He's probably trying to prove to himself that he is still able to attract women.
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give him time... if he still does it kick his butt out he married you for a reason there is no excuse on him betraying his vows to the woman he loved for many years.. best of luck
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If you caught him, then odds are he would still be cheating on you if you hadn't caught him. If he confessed to you on his on accord, maybe he's feeling a lot of remorse and guilt. So, it depends on where he's at in his heart with this.
On face value, I'd say you need to start putting yourself in a better financial situation if you have no income coming in. I wish you well with this. :thumbsup:
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It is a tough situation!
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If he is sincerely sorry and you believe him, you should go to a counselor. Trust that is broken takes a lot of time and work to rebuild. If you think his infidelity is habitual, poison his dinner. Kidding on that. But you don't need to live and love a man who is so disrespectful of the marital commitment.
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All i have to say is if it happens once it will happen again. Just like if a woman or a man abuses/walks all over you they will always do it again. Make no Mistake History always repeats itself. You can belive their stories on how sorry they are or how they won't do it again but i can promise you one thing it will most deffinetly happen again. You can't change a person's character you may can change a person's personality but their character will always remain with them.
I would also suggest you think about the diffrent kinds of people you are sleeping with. Say for instince.. The 2 people you know of that he is sleeping with.. How many people are they sleeping with? When you think about it you can also think about the diffrent types of diseases you can get while your spouce is sleeping around. Do you really want to put your own life in risk for something your spouse is doing?
As far as councler or priest that is your decision. YOu can choose to waste money and time on something that odds are won't help or change anything. Or you can walk away... Save yourself from dissapoinment and a continuous circle of wondering.. and heartbreak.. I would run for the hills but this is just my opinion.. Good Luck!
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Honestly, it's up to you. I would probably leave if I were you, but it depends on the type of relationship you have with him. I don't take betrayals lightly though, so that's mostly why I'd be out of there, especially if it is still going on. I might be able to forgive once if they came out to you and felt bad about it, but since it may be more, it doesn't sound like he really cares about you.
You can always sit him down and see if there is a reason why he's doing this. Figure out if there is a way for you to get past it and what you both can do so to avoid this type of situation again in the future. Without really knowing more, it's hard to give a definite answer as to the best course of action. Can you survive on your own financially or do you have someone who could help you until you can handle it yourself?
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I like how the replies to this post are a lot longer than on any other post I have ever seen on here. But only you can answer that question for yourself. I can't even say what I would do in that situation because I haven't been married for 35 years. Forget what other people think, do what you think is right and what you want to do.
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I just feel once someone cheats they always have that in them. I mean you can forgive but just keep in mind that cheating is a choice not you fault at all. People can be in a great relationship and one still cheates. So i say its something that a weak person does.
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I don't think any of us know the particulars from your brief description of the situation.But,if he's cheated with 2 people,it sounds like the guy's a chronic cheat.Not that there's ever any excuse for cheating,even once.
You certainly have grounds for divorce from a biblical perspective.It's up to you to decide if you can forgive him and moreover trust him to reform this kind of behavior going forward.
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I don't think it's good to talk about your personal problems on here, especially those problems and what do you expect people to do for you ??? ::)
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I don't think it's good to talk about your personal problems on here, especially those problems and what do you expect people to do for you ??? ::)
Not really its ok to ask these type of personal questions on a forum (or s) & or in any online situation. What is not ok for personal in any online situation is personal information such as real names (first, middle, last is a no - no to give out), address, phone #s, the area you live in, ect... basically private personal information that can cause alot of problems in real life (aka: stalkers, scamers, bullies, cyber bullies & alike). Also its not the whos right & whos worng OR what to be expected its the information and what others had experienced as like most of these posts says its really up to her (or him) to decide on there own. :cat:
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Just my opinion, If that was a secret and you found that out, and that wasn't in your agreement, that is a scary situation for you. Get your world together so you can't be hurt. Don't get stuck in a secret. Keep a diary.
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I kind of went through something similar a few years ago, the woman my husband cheated with was a lot younger than him. I think it was like a mid life thing for him. After a short separation, we stayed together in the end, and since then he has not been unfaithful but you never forget it. So I think it is just a personal choice, if you can live with it and not keep bringing it up then stay if not, get out of it.
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I am sorry that happened to you. You felt that your marriage was secure (35 years is a long time to be married) and then you find this out. Forgiving him is an option; you can forgive him but will never forget it. I wouldn't suggest going as far as poisoning him in his dinner because you would be suspected if he dies. Having been cheated on and found out the hard way, unless you depend on him for support, I would suggest setting up a plan of action and executing it. I would learn to live without him. Bit by bit, I would put some money to the side and when I felt I had enough, I would leave. :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :rose: :rose: :rainbow:
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I know this is a hard situation, but in the long run you have to find your own answer to this situation. You have to try to deal with you emotions and then do what you feel is right in this situation. You will find your answers. Trust in yourself.
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Have you considered the Lorena Bobbitt move?? She took care of her husband's cheating once and for all!
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I agree with sherryinutah - if you are financially dependent on this person setting the relationship aside it would be good for you to regain some independence so you have a foundation to start anew if that's what you choose to do. I was only married 12 years when I divorced for the first time - cheating, drugs, alcohol were all involved. Pregnant with my 3rd child I decided I wasn't going to raise another in this environment. They and I deserved better. I just ran into a nurse who was married for 40+ years and she found out her husband had cheated on her with prostitutes most of there marriage. She said they had a nice home, beautiful family, vacations every year and lived out the American dream. All she ever wanted was him though...now nearing retirement she realized it didn't matter she would rather be alone than have the thought in the back of her mind of having to share him. I hope you are able to come to a healthy decision for yourself.
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After 35 years of marriage if your spouse is cheating, I would think you need to try to save your marriage. Maybe counseling FOR BOTH OF YOU is the ticket, but he must be willing to go and so must you. First I think you should sit down with him and a VERY LONG conversation, even tell him you know of his "cheating", ask him why and take it from there. Marriage is A TWO-WAY STREET and both must want the same things - could be it just needs a little "spicing up" but you'll know when you start that conversation!!! Good Luck!!!
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I have told my husband in the past if he were to cheat on me that he would never see his girls again. I say this because when we were dating (Engaged and a couple months from our wedding) I had someone come to me and say she had just slept with my husband. I had just found out we were pregnant and having a girl. That pissed me off so bad. I did find out though that she was just jeluous that I had a great man and she didn't.
We have been together for almost 24 years now so I don't know how I would react after so much time put in to our lives. I do know that financially it would be a great strain on me.
Best of luck.
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I've been married for 35 years and my spouse recently cheated on me with as far as I know 2 different people >:(
should I forgive and try to forget? Poision his dinner? :silly: get to a priest fast or a counselor ::) or run for the hills as fast as I can? ::) :-X :'( :confused1: :silly: :neutral:
Well I would not poison him. Uh, not after putting it on here anyway. lol. Kind of rules out the accidental thing. :p
Idk. Everyone is different. I know a woman whose husband has cheated on her a ton of times but she has not left him. I know others that if they cheat one time they leave. I guess it would depend on first how you found out. Did he tell you? Is he sorry? Has he said it will not happen again? Do you love him? I don't know. If it were ME I would probably kick him to the curb.
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So sorry to hear that. I really don't have the right advice because i think it may depend on each person and each situation. I think you and your spouse have alot to talk about. Good Luck. Try and stay sane....it won't help an already bad situation.
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You must search within yourself for your answer. I honestly don't think you can expect good advice from complete strangers on this very heartbreaking experience. Only you know how you really feel and what you might expect or even accept for your future. 35 years is a long time, maybe your church can help you, good luck to you.
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Do not do anything you will regret. Explore all of your options and come to a reasonable decision. 35 years is a long time to throw away but consider marriage counseling or a separation first.
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My father cheated on my mom their entire marriage - over 17 years. When I turned 16 - my mom and I moved in with my grandfather until she could support herself and me. Either try counseling or divorce. It is a difficult decision but the decision is ultimately yours.