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Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: marcar1008 on October 09, 2015, 08:14:44 am
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I love my brother in law like if he was my real brother.
He came to visit my house with his two kids for the first time since my sister passed. He loved my sister very much and was there for her to the last min. My sister lost the battle against cancer.
After a night out with the family coming home he stayed behind outside talking on the phone. At first I didn't know he was on the phone so I texted him if he was ok since he wouldn't come inside. He said yea he is fine and will be in in a bit. Anyways in the morning he tells me he was talking to this girl "friend" and shows me a picture of her on his phone.He says she is a very good friend I met, she is going through a divorce, she is a nurse, has 2 kids and she is 44 yrs old. Something to keep my mind off things, he says. This hit me hard ! I got confused upset, just didn't know what to think. It had been only like 5 weeks since my sister was gone. Since this was a visit with his kids I didn't want to make a big deal out of this.Once he got home thats when we started arguing.
After a few days being miserable. I know he felt real bad, he said I made him feel like trash and was not eating. I also felt very bad. Then my sister and God gave me signs that it was OK ! I now understand my nephews need someone to care for them and my brother in law too. Nothing will bring my sister back and I know nobody will replace her but I feel bad for little Mathew who is only 8 years old :( What else could I ask for, ? God is sending a nurse ;D :heart: :angel11: I am now at peace :peace: thank you Lord.
I know it will be very awkward to meet her but I will be fine.
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I had the exact same situation where I lost my sister to cancer and her husband started seeing someone within a few months of her death. I felt very bad about it until I realized that some men just cannot make it on their own and they really need a partner. So I stopped worrying about it and never said a word to him about it.
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So how long has it been? The way you say it to me it sounds like this was right after the funeral. These days most are already dating with in a few weeks and some are already married again with in a few months. And every one judges them harshly. Do you know if your sister and BIL talked about this? If she knew she was going to die they may have talked about him finding someone else. Although, I would prefer, if it were me, that he wait until my body was stiff before he had a new girlfriend.
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My mother remaried after 3 month at the time i could not believe it but now I realize it was for teh best . she needed some one to help her and love her. I now feal each person is different if they are happy then go for it ... Life is to short to wait.
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countrygirl12 - I mentioned it had been like 5 weeks since my sister passed.
I don't think they talked about him finding someone else. They were High School sweet hearts and we always prayed for her to get better. Nobody had plans on the what if....
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I can understand how you can feel the way you do, but it's his life. You said he loved your sister, dating someone does not mean he doesn't love her anymore or is trying to forget her, he might be looking for a 'mother' for their children. Yes, five weeks is short, but who are we to judge anyone unless we walk in their shoes. Please don't hold grudges against him, always keep the door open for a good relationship with him and your sister's children. My father was killed and my mom met and fell in love. Before she married my stepfather she went to my dad's mom for her blessing and permission. My grandmother told her to marry, that my dad would not want her to live alone and would want her to be happy. And I bet your sister feels the same way. God bless you and your family.
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Ok five weeks seems a little fast but it is til death do us part. And, like you said nothing is going to bring your sister his wife back. My husband passed in Jan 2013 and I have spent all this time still devoted to him and I am 62 years old. I haven't dated or met anyone and I still miss my husband. Your brother-in-law is young and has kids - I hope this woman will be good to him and the children.
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P.S. What my point was is life is short and whatever happiness we can find I guess we should go for it.
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Five weeks seems rather soon, but I guess we can't judge without being in the same position your brother-in-law is in. But its very understandable to be upset. I feel the welfare of the children are most important and I believe you are accepting it in a mature way.
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Sorry for the loss of your sister. My deepest condolences to you.
It seems odd that his mourning period was so short after your sister died, 5 weeks and already a girl friend. In some cultures, it's a year of wearing black. But alas, some people are just like that. They always need to have a partner & be with someone. & here in America, it's anything goes...
I'm sure the children are still grieving... you'd think he would be comforting & being there for his children not devoting his time to a new girl who has her own issues going through a divorce. I hope it works out for the children's sake. I feel bad for them, heartbreaking to lose a mother so young, heartbreaking to lose a mother period. :(
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I lost my son in 2001. My daughter-in-law whom I love very much never dated any one for a year in fact rarely went any where. We encouraged her to start. She dated one man off and on for a while then she moved to the same town we live in and then she met the right man. Now they have been married a couple of years and we dearly love this young man. I am so glad for her. When God shows us the way it will come about.
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It is similar to what happened when my best friend passed away while going through here treatment for leukemia. Our families were very close. Three weeks after she passed her husband was dating, I think he was looking even sooner. Everyone grieves in their own way but for the sake of the kids he should have waited. Their kids were 11, and 16. It was rough on the 16 year old daughter. She ran away from home(not far, she came to me) but she was distraught. She was still grieving her moms passing, she needed her dad to grieve with her, not be happy without her. He dated a few women and I love the woman he is with now, and she is a wonderful mom to the youngest, who is 16 and still home. The daughter moved out as soon as she turned 18 and she is doing fine now. But at the time the kids and their grieving really should have taken priority over his future happiness.
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Sometimes another person can be an important part of the healing process so I don't think there's a specific time that a grief stricken person needs to wait.
That being said, it's always, always, always a mistake for a person to rebound out of one ROMANTIC relationship into another.
It's important for a grief stricken individual to take time to heal. :heart:
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I would say as long as he wants.
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i would say when the timing is right for you...everyone is different..follow your heart
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Depends on the person and the situation, I think.
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Sorry to hear about your sisters' passing but happy to hear you are at peace with all and yes, you are right those children do need to have more. the Lord works in mysterious ways and it is not up to us to judge.
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I think that a span of at least one year should take place between the passing of one's spouse and the dating of a new partner. I have an Uncle that got married within six months after his wife passed. He searched personals advertisement and said that he could not live alone. This was not acceptable to me. My children thought that it was a bit soon as well. I did not go to a family function that he went to and removed myself from another function that he showed up at unexpectedly. I have always strived to bring my children up the right way and felt that by staying in his proximity I would be condoning his behavior. He was also nasty to my Aunt before she passed away and she was, and is, an angel. I do not believe that at age fifty two, if my wife passed away, that I would be dating anyone any sooner than three years out of respect.
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Just depends on the people involved. If someone has an illness like cancer, you know in the back of your mind that it may not turn out for the best. Even though you love the spouse dearly you have to do what you need to get through it.
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I think you take some time to heal, but it really depends on how you feel. And if you are ready to date again.
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Every person is different. Some couples talk about if the other passes it's ok to remarry and what not. Some people just can't live alone. But you should give yourself time to grieve and not rush into something just because you feel alone, make sure you actually WANT to be with the person. That may take months or years. Also my condolences to you and your family for your loss.
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well, first let me send you my sincerest condolences on the passing of your loved one. Now, all I have to say about your brother-in-law is be patient cause I'm sure he's hurting a lot more than anyone knows both at the loss of his wife and the fact that his children have lost their mother. As far as mourning goes and "finding" someone else, well that I think is up to the individual and in your brother-in-laws' case I can understand wanting to give his children another "care taker" beside himself. I'm glad you have seen God's sign and have accepted the current situation and I'm sure it will all turn out exactly the way God himself has planned it. Keep your faith in God and your chin up!
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Why do he need another partner, as long as it takes to find the right partner.
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it is different for each person i now my mom lost my dad and she saw other men but never got in to a relationship
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P.S. What my point was is life is short and whatever happiness we can find I guess we should go for it.
I think you hit "the nail on the head" and your insight is right on. Life is short, anything can happen at any time, and finding a little happiness and companionship means more the more we realize how short life can be. Having a spouse with an incurable disease and losing them surely must make one realize all of these things. I like your attitude. Wish him and the kids and the nurse well. Who knows where it will go? It is still early.
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That's hard to say, as I think every person handles the grieving process differently; I think it's an individual choice, however I do believe that those persons who had a strong marriage may be more likely to marry sooner then someone who was perhaps not that happy in their marriage but again that's just my opinion, definitely a personal decision/choice.
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i would say it depends on the situation, if he can even find a adeuet partner. sometimes love doesnt just come along
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Well....especially because she had cancer he had time to process and get ready for the difficult life of single parenting after she passed. I can almost joke with my husband because I KNOW he is one of those kind of guys that just NEED a woman. It won't be long after I go and he'll be married. Not me.....but him....yeah, so some just need that more than others. My dad married 18 mo after my mom died.
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I know it's hard because it has only been 5 weeks. To me he should have waited a bit longer, but everybody is different and guys tend to not wait as long as we do.
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I don't think you can ever put a "TIME" on things like that. You just really have to be "ready". I have heard that men typically move on quicker than woman because they need someone....
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It's a difficult thing to lose a sibling so I can understand that you were upset as if she was being replace. I think the length of time depends on the person. Some people just have a hard time living alone after losing a spouse. Others wouldn't want another person with them. Sending lots of prayers your way that you find peace.
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When someones spouse pass away and the person left behind starts dating again, it will take some time to get use to. Not sure why your brother in law is dating is looking for someone just 5 weeks after his wife's death seems to be a bit too early. It can be because he doesn't like being alone without a companion. Has he told his children about this woman or is he waiting to get to know this person more indepth before the introduction?
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I had a friend some years ago that remarried within 3 months of his wife's death. We all thought it was too soon but it was his life and his decision.
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I am sorry to hear you lost your sister. That is a big deal, as is the loss of a wife to your dear brother in law. However, 5 weeks is a very short time to be grieving for the mother of one's children so I can totally understand your perspective. I wonder if your sister was ill for a very long time and perhaps his acceptance of her leaving this world may have been a little earlier than yours. Obviously you knew your sister for a much longer period of time so I should think it may take much longer to grieve. I know we're all different and we all grieve differently, however if m sister died and her husband was dating within 5 weeks, I would be devastated.
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If she make's him happy or feel better about the situation. I don't think time should matter.
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it's hard to say,It could be any day/week/month/year all depends on him, You can even set him up on a blind date.