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Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: brian8713 on August 04, 2017, 03:22:54 pm
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So, I'm currently going through a divorce. I'm a gay 30 year old man. My ex-husband and I broke up, long story short, cuz he did not respect my privacy, repeatedly reading my private texts looking for stuff to be offended by. He was also terrible with money. He bankrupted me, ran up 10s of thousands of dollars of debt, of which he isn't offering to help me pay a penny. He didn't help at all with house work or yard work. He'd be lying on the couch watching sitcoms or partying with his friends while I was struggling to push our lawn mower. Lol. Plus, he was a party-er. I am not. So, we were a horribly mismatched couple, and were actually only together for a year and a half, so it's probably not as big of a deal as many make it out to be. In fact, I'm sending out the paperwork to be notarized next week and I'm pretty happy about it.
My question is, why do break-ups always have to demonize one person? In his narrative, I'm the bad guy. He was screaming at me, "you are not the victim here" the day after we broke up. He's so determined to blame everything that happened on me, up to and including saying I was the one that put myself into debt (beyond ridiculous ... I'm as cheap as they get). He had me unfriend all of "his" friends on facebook, and even though I let him live with me rent free and bought him a brand new car, I'm still somehow the bad guy because of private texts I sent to friends that were, yes, a little *bleep*, but a week before, he had driven me to tears in front of his family. I had my reasons. Lol.
I guess my point for this post was to vent a little bit. Is divorce always a bad thing? I think it's for the best for me in the long-run. I'm finally free to do what I want, rather than feeling obligated to waste time with him, and having him sulk around if I say no. I have a roommate so I'll be able to keep my house, and because I'm not stupid with money like he is, my finances will continue to improve. I just get sick of the "Oh I'm so sorry" from everyone, or the "What happened?" nosiness. Why is it any of their business what happened? He apparently thinks it is, since he's slandered me to anyone who will listen, but I just wish things could be more amicable. Sometimes, couples don't work out. People make mistakes. Moving on isn't always a bad thing. End of rant.
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I'm so sorry about your situation. It does sound like you have everything under control though. I hope it all works out for you.
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People are going to ask what happened, not necessarily out of nosiness, but out of concern for you & to be polite... if they didn't care they wouldn't ask. Always stay positive & know that what ever you say will probably be repeated - also whatever you write will be passed on.... you don't want to be like him, rise above & be vague & positive when talking about your situation to others.
Divorce isn't a bad thing, he sounds like an abuser & a user, good to get out of the situation while you can, there is someone more in sync with you out there, you don't have to settle for this negative situation.
Best of luck to you & it sounds like you are back on track with having a positive life -- :)
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I am so very sorry about your situation --i hope things get better real soon
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Sorry to hear! I dont have any really good answers for you on that.
I have to say that it sounds like you are now back on track with things. Hope all works out.
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You don't want to hear the "Oh I'm so sorry" answer... but that's the classic you will hear from anyone, as of course.. in bad situations the first thing you get is other people's sympathy (real or fake).
One thing that comes to my mind is... you were together only a year and a half in total? Well ;) next time you'll know to marry a person after getting to know each other a little longer!!
It IS A BAD thing... (and it is not)... divorce means: you believed in something... and you failed! And that's bad.... BUT it can also turn into something good as like you said, from now on you will be "free" again, and you surely learned your lesson... and you'll be wiser and stronger... and for your next relationship you exactly what you want and what you don't want nor need.
It seems that every time people slip, it automatically gets the worse out of everyone... in a bad moment all you can do is be angry, forgetting all those good times and happy moments.
But according to how you describe him, he was definitely not the right person for you.... pretty self destructive and clearly also childish.... (having his friends delete you from their fb pages).... but than, that is normal too as most of the times when two people split, their friends have to take a side according to who they know better..
I've been married since 2009, interracial relationship (not easy... totally opposites minds, coming from two different worlds... literally... America and Italy).... soo many ups and downs...
Think that, in your case, in the end, this was the better choice and the best thing for you... you can only get better and happier from here on.
Good luck with everything!!! :)
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Divorce can be very messy. I think divorce lawyer have something to do with it too and put things in your mind that you didn't think of.
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I have 2 divorces. Messy, children involved 12 years of building a family just wasted away. It was bad. I was mean. He was an alcoholic. I needed a husband. I needed a father to our 3 children. He needed lots of liquor. He needed more time away from our "family" to drown in drunkeness. 2 divorce. Married to a professional con-artist. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! On my part. People ask for all sorts of reasons. Some care. Some are nosy Nelly's. Hopefully you meet the right one. The person designed for you. The person to compliment you as much as you compliment them. If not... you seem to be a logical person. You got this adult thing down without needing someone by your side.
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Oh yeah, we were engaged after 3 weeks of dating. I know I made a terrible decision marrying him, and regret it. Frankly, I don't see myself wanting marriage again. I value my independence too much. If I want to go to bed at 9pm now I. An do it without Mr Busybody wondering if there's something wrong. I get couples share stuff with each other, but it felt like I had no privacy and going through my phone crossed the line. On days like today, I'm relieved to be left alone.
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Before the marriage, did you not know that your husband was lazy, sneaky and a liar? In so many cases it is found that a lot of people do not know the real person until after the marriage. That is when the devil appears and you see the real person.
I am sorry you had to see the real husband after the marriage. I wish you peace of mind and to start focusing on you. I know how you feel-been there and it wasn't fun. Blessings to you.
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I didn't know before the marriage. The night before we got married, we had a huge fight because I called him an alcoholic via text to a friend and he went through my phone. Should've been a red-flag that he didn't respect my privacy, and he IS an alcoholic. Truthfully, he didn't show his true colors til after we broke up. The verbal abuse has been awful. I've been called crazy and accused of being off my meds, and told I should be ashamed of myself for selling family heirlooms to pay off HIS debts. He should be ashamed that he put me in that situation to begin with, but nope, I'm the bad guy. Blame Brian for everything. Lol
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So sorry to hear that. Try and put it behind you and move. Don't bring yourself down
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I'm trying. I just keep reminding myself that his opinion should mean nothing to me. He's a loser, but more than that, we were a ceey I compatible couple. Now, I'm free to be myself again.
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Divorces turn nasty because one or both parties are hurt.
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Yeah, I guess he is/was hurting more than me. That's why he got so nasty, but it's still not an excuse.
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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through but it sounds like you are doing that thing. You have to do what makes you happy.
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Hi Brian8713 - Yeah, divorce is a word that tends to carry a stigma but it isn't like that with everyone. It sounds like the person you were married to is very bitter and hurt.
If he's playing the "blame" game, you're definitely better off without him. Each person needs to be accountable for certain problems in a relationship.
At this time in my life - I believe that people come together for a reason and season and it's pointless to try to drag things out after the life force energy is gone.
Be careful not to rebound or you might end up in a relationship with someone who has similar energy. :heart:
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First, I want to say that I am sorry that your marriage did not work out. I have never been married, and I believe that getting married is like going for a job interview. One has to ask questions, do credit and background checks, because we don't really don't know our partner until we are married and living together, then it's like, dang! I got myself into this???
I work for a family law office and I was surprised to see clients come in to our office and not know that person that they married and have been dating for years. Again, marriage is no different than going for a job interview...we gotta ask lots of questions.
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Sorry for your situation, unfortunately I can't offer advice, I married my childhood sweetheart, and am still happily married. Don't mean to "rub that in", it's just that I sometimes think that knowing each other so well has been a big part of our success, it's been so long that I can't imagine life without her. I honestly can't remember life before her.
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True, but people can be deceitful- especially when they want something. The best thing to do is to take the lessons learned forward with you into the future.
First, I want to say that I am sorry that your marriage did not work out. I have never been married, and I believe that getting married is like going for a job interview. One has to ask questions, do credit and background checks, because we don't really don't know our partner until we are married and living together, then it's like, dang! I got myself into this???
I work for a family law office and I was surprised to see clients come in to our office and not know that person that they married and have been dating for years. Again, marriage is no different than going for a job interview...we gotta ask lots of questions.
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Prayers to you. You deserve to be happy.
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Sherry, bitter and hurt are two very good words to describe him. He keeps throwing all the “terrible” things I did to him in my face. Ummm … him running up 10s of thousands of debt that I’m now responsible for isn’t terrible? Nope. I’m on the side of the bad. He’s on the side of the good. LOL.
I wasn’t even 100% set on a divorce when I kicked him out, but he became verbally abuse to me, calling me a liar and accusing me of doing things that weren’t true. (He thought I was off my meds – not true.) I’m taking things very slow in dating. Not looking for anyone else.
He’s already found a new boyfriend and I would say “good for him” if I thought they were gonna last, but it’s another horribly mismatched couple. The guy is very introverted and he’s very outgoing and likes to party. They became “facebook official” a few weeks ago. I don’t even know if they’re still together, but I doubt it. Lol
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So sorry that you had to deal with such an unintelligent hiney hole! lol... but at least you can laugh about it! It's okay to vent to us. And if you need someone to listen, we are here for you! :) Thank goodness you got out of that relationship because you know deep down what you are worth. :)
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Exactly! I know everything isn't about money, but if you have a partner who's ruining your finances, in my opinion, it's crazy to stay with them. It would be typical for him to spend $200 in one trip to Target. I bought pasta sauce this morning for $2 and I'm still feeling guilty about it -- totally serious! I don't expect my partner to be as cheap as me, but I do expect him to be respectful of the fact that I work very hard for my money, and don't want to see it thrown away on trivial items. It was too much too soon. We were engaged after knowing each other for 3 weeks and moved in together after 2 months. I guess I was at a particularly vulnerable place in my life -- my previous relationship of about 5 years had just broken up -- and I was ready to jump head-first into my next relationship, and try to overlook some of his obvious faults to make it work.
He went way too far invading my privacy, and the bad stuff I did say about him was likely in response to one of the times he brought me to tears or bought something unnecessary. I send out the divorce paperwork to get signed this Friday. Prayers from all of you that it goes off without a hitch would be much appreciated!!! ;)
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divorce can get messy mine was. it does seem that a divorce can demonize a person. I have heard some cases some divorces were peaceable. it sounds like your ex was a moocher . mine was the same way as well. a moocher always blames the other person for their problems. my ex did me the same when I was busting my butt working and pregnant at the time. he was lazy watching tv all day nothing wrong with him. yet he made me out to be the bad woman too. I relate somewhat. I am sorry for your situation but you are doing the right thing.
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Thanks Katie!! Yep, it would be typical for him to be lying on the couch watching sitcoms or getting "turnt" with his friends while I was attempting to take care of our/his pets and our house. My ex did work, but I work too and he would insult me because I (barely) make less money than him, but it doesn't even matter because he's so terrible with money, he just spends whatever he makes. He has more friends than me and has chosen to make me the bad guy, but I know the truth and I let him live with me (basically rent free) for a year and a half. It didn't work out. I'm moving on. That doesn't make me a bad person. I'd be a moron if I stayed in a loveless relationship that was bankrupting me and crippling me emotionally.
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I think a divorce is the right course of action in your case. I hope that it goes smoothly. If he gets mean and hurtful, you don't need to. Take the high road and you won't have regrets. Good luck to you.
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been there done it twice. first time was nasty second time was bitter but we got through it for our daughter. Didn't want to be nasty and drag her through it all. Prayers you will be ok when all said and done Good Luck
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I've been divorced since 92, and I left him, I found out on my own that he was cheating on me, with someone in the neighborhood, he didn't try to stop me from getting the divorce, but he was trying to get me back, I didn't want him back, not after I found him at her house, so I've been friends with him for years now.
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Guess what? You and you alone are responsible for your own happiness. If you don't like it, get out ASAP.
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We're all routing for your Brian! You are a beautiful soul and don't let anyone drain you of your positive energy and squash your soul. No one is worth it! Be brave and keep your chin up! You got this! :)
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Nobody's perfect.