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florezitta10

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FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« on: May 04, 2010, 09:01:33 pm »
Hello everyone, I have always believed that laughter is MEDICINE FOR THE SOUL it helps us see things a little brighter through the rough patches in life. At least for me having a good sense of humor has helped me stay sane through some UN-believable stuff.

So I have started this thread in hopes that it will bring a smile to your face when you are not feeling to good. Keep that chin up and keep moving forward "THINGS WILL NEVER BE AS BAD OR AS GOOD AS YOU THINK"

I will randomly post things that make me laugh. Whether it be a picture,video,some random story or maybe something that happened to me that day. Please join me and post what ever makes you laugh :)
Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.NEED Help? Check out my Beginners Guide pinned in the Support forum :) 

florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2010, 09:04:34 pm »
I thought this was one of the funniest things I have ever read Maybe you seen it before in the forum but I thought I would start with it.

hahahhah.. I cried reading it lol ENJOY !! thumbsup



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.NEED Help? Check out my Beginners Guide pinned in the Support forum :) 

florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2010, 11:26:10 pm »
zero to 200 in 2 seconds :)

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him

"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for next Saturday Grin
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irishlady1970

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2010, 02:44:42 pm »
Hi Florezitta, this is another great idea. So I have a joke or two to add to your funny jokes. I need to warn any blondes, if you are easily offended by blonde jokes, don't read this.

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
irishlady1970

florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2010, 05:41:23 pm »
Hahhaha I loved the blond joke with the convertible lol :BangHead: :wave:
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florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2010, 06:08:09 pm »
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The
spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.


The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall Barbie's full name
is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza in a life time.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.NEED Help? Check out my Beginners Guide pinned in the Support forum :) 

mc1962

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2010, 06:41:33 pm »
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The
spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.


The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall Barbie's full name
is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza in a life time.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

......
awesome post ty

florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2010, 01:25:49 pm »
DON'T SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END...IT'S PRICELESS!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >   A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
> > > when
>she
> > >   noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
> > >cemetery. A
> > >   long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
> > >50 feet
> > >   behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
> > >woman walking
> > >   a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were
> > >about
>200
> > >women
> > >   walking single file.
> > >
> > >   The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
> > > approached
>the
> > >   woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss! ,
> > >and I know now
> > >   is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
> > >Whose
> > >   funeral is it?"
> > >
> > >   "My husband's."
> > >
> > >   "What happened to him?"
> > >
> > >   The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
> > >
> > >   She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
> > >
> > >   The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
>husband
> > >   when the dog turned on her."
> > >
> > >   A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
> > >women.
> > >
> > >   "Can I borrow the dog?"
> > >
> > >   "Get in line."
> > >
> > >
> > >   ********************************************************
> > >
  A Woman's Prayer:

   Dear Lord, I pray for:
   Wisdom, To understand a man
   Love, To forgive him

 

 

> > >   Patience, For his moods
> > >   Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
> > >   I'll just beat him to death.
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jkhanson

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2010, 08:11:00 am »
I LOVE this Thread!

Everyone needs a Laugh.

florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2010, 08:33:19 am »
I LOVE this Thread!

Everyone needs a Laugh.

I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Feel free to add any jokes or stories you may have  :wave:
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florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2010, 08:37:20 am »
The Italian Tomato  Garden>>
>>     An old Italian man lived alone in the country.  He wanted to dig
his
>> tomato garden,
>>     but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.  His  only
son,
>> Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a
>> letter to his son and described his predicament.
>>
>>     Dear Vincent,
>>     I am  feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to
>> plant my tomato  garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be
>> digging up a garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be
over.  I
>> know you would dig the  plot for me.
>>     Love, Dad
>>
>>     A few days later he received a letter from his  son.
>>
>>     Dear Dad,
>>     Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.  That's where I
buried
>> the BODIES.
>>     Love, Vinnie
>>
>>     At 4 a.m.  the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and
>> dug up the  entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized
t! o
>> the old man and  left.
>>
>>     That same day the old man received another letter from his  son.
>>
>>     Dear Dad,
>>     Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best  I could
do
>> under the circumstances.  I hope it helped!
>>
>>     Love,  Vinnie
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articx

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2010, 09:10:05 am »
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Discovery Channel has a TV series, called MythBusters, and what they do is test myths is see if they are true or not. They found out a duck's quack does echo. They also have episodes where they tried to break the myth of folding paper more than seven times, and they tested keeping toothbrushes next to a toilet.

florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2010, 09:15:19 am »
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Discovery Channel has a TV series, called MythBusters, and what they do is test myths is see if they are true or not. They found out a duck's quack does echo. They also have episodes where they tried to break the myth of folding paper more than seven times, and they tested keeping toothbrushes next to a toilet.

I think I saw that episode :)
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florezitta10

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2010, 08:38:17 am »
PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT
Dear Tide,

   I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

   I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was

the

  best.

   Now I am almost fifty I find it even better!

   In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my

   new white blouse.

   My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about

how

  clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

  One thing led to another and somehow I also ended up with his blood on

my

  new white blouse!

   I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to

   my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

   In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by

yesterday

  told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my

attorney

  called and said I was no longer considered a suspect in the

disappearance of

  my husband. What a relief!

  Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

  I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
 


  Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Elsie
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irishlady1970

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Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2010, 10:10:25 pm »
I love redneck jokes and want to add this one to our list of great jokes....here it goes.
Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or
combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn
country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
irishlady1970

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