Unwed Parents

[ULuvCeCe]

What are your thoughts on couples who are not married, become pregnant and years after the child is born, still unwed, decide to end their relationship but of course stay devoted as co-parents?

[hicaniplay]

Well, since I'm a *bleep* child, I think it's just fine


My mom was previously married and he was abusive and she left him and blah blah. So when she got together with my dad, they never wanted to get married. Didn't stop them having four kids (all planned for and purposely btw!). Not so together anymore, sadly.


Personally, I'm never planning children or marriage, but I don't usually automatically think poorly of other people who do or don't, either of those things generally.

But I mean, it does depend on how much planning is put into it. There's a difference in "oops, pregnant!" and "hey, let's have a baby!".
And what exactly the particular relationship is and if I theoretically knew one or both participants
But I'm definitely not a fan of shotgun weddings, so would certainly advise against marriage in the "oops" scenarios, generally.

[footemama]

I personally believe (as pertains to parenting) that there is no difference between parents that are a family as a married couple vs parents that are a family as an unmarried couple. You will parent the same regardless of that little piece of paper and that little piece of paper is not going to make you more devoted to your family. You either are devoted or you're not and that piece of paper is inconsequential to your behavior.

As for ending the relationship I wouldn't view it as any different than the 50% of married couples that get divorced. Again it falls to you are either devoted to your children or you're not and having been married doesn't have anything to do with how you are going to have future interactions with your children.

Just my 2 cents. 

[premar16]

i dont think it matters my mothers best friend had two children and they didn't get married until the youngest was 14 because of college things for their older child and tax reasons but the kids are stable and happy and if the parents love each other gay or straight thats all that matters

[noirlupe]

A marriage license doesnt mean it will last.  It depends on the couple.  So I dont feel that a couple needs to be marrried.  My husband insisted on it because he says I deserve to be respected by a man marrying me.  So for us it works.  But my daughter it works for her to not be married.

[secondchance82011]

It should be a matter of personal choice, the bible does say you should be married but these days most people do not ad are to bible principles, I am a *bleep* child, but before my son was born I married the mother, I did not know her very well but hey my son can say he was not born a *bleep* child. We are divorced now, but at the time I thought it was a good idea to get married and she thought so to because she wanted tolaze around the house all day on the internet and talking to her friends on the phone but    but its all good, just have to grow up and move, on....

[dwiley11]

I think the man is screwed either way

[shepherdchik]

What would be the difference then if they were married or not? If they break up but stay together as a family as best they can then that's what matters. Married couples with kids get divorced all the time so i don't think a piece of paper means much sometimes, it's unfortunate but as long as they are a loving family and devoted to their kids that's what matters.

[ULuvCeCe]

What would be the difference then if they were married or not? If they break up but stay together as a family as best they can then that's what matters. Married couples with kids get divorced all the time so i don't think a piece of paper means much sometimes, it's unfortunate but as long as they are a loving family and devoted to their kids that's what matters.

I posed this question because in my own situation I do believe couples should stay together and work it out BUT the other side of it is if you got pregnant before you got married you didn't chose the person, you didn't say I love this person, want to be married to this person, create a life with this person. So in a sense there should be less of an obligation to stay together if you don't want to but some people in our society don't see it that way.

[ptfunds]

I don't believe marriage keeps people together or creates a good relationship or parent. Those things come from the person not from the license. In fact, I often think that people really taking their time before making that commitment is best. The relationships that I personally know of where the marriage has come later (even after the children have been born) seem to be the most stable relationships I know!

[mynevaeh]

What would be the difference then if they were married or not? If they break up but stay together as a family as best they can then that's what matters. Married couples with kids get divorced all the time so i don't think a piece of paper means much sometimes, it's unfortunate but as long as they are a loving family and devoted to their kids that's what matters.

I posed this question because in my own situation I do believe couples should stay together and work it out BUT the other side of it is if you got pregnant before you got married you didn't chose the person, you didn't say I love this person, want to be married to this person, create a life with this person. So in a sense there should be less of an obligation to stay together if you don't want to but some people in our society don't see it that way.

I could not disagree with you more.  You cannot make a relationship work all on your own, it takes two to make it work.  Just because you have a baby out of wedlock does not mean you do not love that person, nor that you did not want to spent the rest of your life with that person.  Every person encounters different circumstances andyou can not FORCE yourself to be happy after things just don't work.  Some people are in ABUSIVE relationships do you still believe that in this society you should work through that?? 

[tzs]

The word "*bleep* child" is so condescending and rude to say. I don't see children that way, married or not!

[Trace321]

The man is not screwed either way. People live in the Archaic days. This went on in the 1980,s and the 1990,s. Things have changed drastically.

I have a better relationship with my daughter than my ex does. She always wanted to get married and I never did. I was a terrible boyfriend or fience

but a great father. I can live with that.

[ULuvCeCe]

What would be the difference then if they were married or not? If they break up but stay together as a family as best they can then that's what matters. Married couples with kids get divorced all the time so i don't think a piece of paper means much sometimes, it's unfortunate but as long as they are a loving family and devoted to their kids that's what matters.

I posed this question because in my own situation I do believe couples should stay together and work it out BUT the other side of it is if you got pregnant before you got married you didn't chose the person, you didn't say I love this person, want to be married to this person, create a life with this person. So in a sense there should be less of an obligation to stay together if you don't want to but some people in our society don't see it that way.

I could not disagree with you more.  You cannot make a relationship work all on your own, it takes two to make it work.  Just because you have a baby out of wedlock does not mean you do not love that person, nor that you did not want to spent the rest of your life with that person.  Every person encounters different circumstances andyou can not FORCE yourself to be happy after things just don't work.  Some people are in ABUSIVE relationships do you still believe that in this society you should work through that?? 

I did not say a thing about abusive relationships. I do not believe they should work through that, I think the woman (or man) should leave the first time they encounter that situation.

What I was trying to say is that traditional people do not see it as ok to end a relationship if you can't get past your issues (non abusive). They think you should work it out for the sake of your children. But when you are not married there is not an obligation to stay as there would be if you were married. The people who usually think this are of an older generation and try and hurry people down the aisle while pregnant even.

[ULuvCeCe]

I was a terrible boyfriend or fience

but a great father. I can live with that.

I look at my sons father the same way, terrible boyfriend, terrible fiance (he probably thinks I'm just as terrible in my womanly roles) but he's a great father and if that is what it comes down to I too can live with that.