~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[jcribb16]

Thank you for the good laughs.  Great way to start a mid-week morning.

You're welcome!  Have a great week! 

[jcribb16]

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~


"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
~ Jerry Seinfeld ~


"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
~ Steven Wright ~

These quotes made me laugh.  I love to laugh   Thanks the day brighteners!

You are welcome - I enjoy them, too!  Have a great week! 

[tuscarorarain]

I heard this one online, "Don't hit me in the face. When I hit you in the face you tell me who you feel so I can write that down on my clipboard. Second point, no touching my clip board." lol

[jcribb16]

"Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see."  - Anonymous -

"Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house."   
 - Anonymous -

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."  - Henny Youngman -
 

[tin8604]

Those are cute.

[jcribb16]

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

~ Jay Leno ~


"Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out."

~ Joe Garagiola ~


"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion."
He said, "Alright.... you're ugly too!" "

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

[jcribb16]

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
~ Mark Twain ~


"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
~ Will Rogers ~


"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
~ Paula Poundstone ~
 

[jcribb16]

"The two best times to fish is when it's rainin' and when it ain't."
** Patrick F. McManus **

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
** Fred Allen **

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
** Robert Frost **

[yaayme]

"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
 
~ Laurence J. Peter ~

Ha...I like that one! True.

[jcribb16]

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
~ Elbert Hubbard ~

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
~ Jerry Seinfeld ~

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
~ Phyllis Diller ~

[jcribb16]

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~


"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

~ Phyllis Diller ~


"God heals, and the doctor takes the fees."

~ Benjamin Franklin ~

[jcribb16]

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
~ Dolly Parton ~


"Never put a sock in a toaster."
~ Eddie Izzard ~


"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
~ Spike Milligan ~

[jcribb16]

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
~ Lily Tomlin ~

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
~ Elayne Boosler ~

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~

[loulizlee]

Some of the older comedians are much better than some comedians now.  So many of the newer ones rely on garbage to be funny, and it's really not funny.

[loulizlee]

I just wanted to add that this is a great collection of funny quotes.