~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[tfw6693]

  While trying to milk goats one morning they were behaving terrible. I yelled, "Honestly, you guys act like a bunch of animals."

[DeliriousKris]

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

[snuggleycutejc]

What has no thumbs but loves what its does?  This could be a riddle! lol lol  crazy.   

[braggin]

How about Alice Roosevelt Longworths "If you can't say something nice about somebody, come and sit here by me."

[DeliriousKris]

“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
― John Green

[DeliriousKris]

“Do you hate people?”

“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.”
― Charles Bukowski, Barfly

[lbeery]

Sir, get behind the yellow line.....from the movie World's Fastest Indian.  YOu would have to watch the movie to get it though.  It has become a standby joke in our house when someone wants someone to deal with them immediately.

[DeliriousKris]

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
― Robert Orben

[DeliriousKris]

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
― Terry Pratchett

[DeliriousKris]

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

[DeliriousKris]

Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just kidding!” is my favorite.
— Unknown

[patriciaeclevenger]

I like how Word will underline a mistake, let me hit ignore, and 5 seconds later underline it again like "Ooo, sweetie are you sure?"

- Anna Kendrick 

[DeliriousKris]

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

[DeliriousKris]

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin

[stretch1967]

I haven't had time to look for any lately. When people do post them some are funny