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Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: florezitta10 on May 04, 2010, 09:01:33 pm

Title: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 04, 2010, 09:01:33 pm
Hello everyone, I have always believed that laughter is MEDICINE FOR THE SOUL it helps us see things a little brighter through the rough patches in life. At least for me having a good sense of humor has helped me stay sane through some UN-believable stuff.

So I have started this thread in hopes that it will bring a smile to your face when you are not feeling to good. Keep that chin up and keep moving forward "THINGS WILL NEVER BE AS BAD OR AS GOOD AS YOU THINK"

I will randomly post things that make me laugh. Whether it be a picture,video,some random story or maybe something that happened to me that day. Please join me and post what ever makes you laugh :)
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 04, 2010, 09:04:34 pm
I thought this was one of the funniest things I have ever read Maybe you seen it before in the forum but I thought I would start with it.

hahahhah.. I cried reading it lol ENJOY !! thumbsup



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 04, 2010, 11:26:10 pm
zero to 200 in 2 seconds :)

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him

"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for next Saturday Grin
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: irishlady1970 on May 05, 2010, 02:44:42 pm
Hi Florezitta, this is another great idea. So I have a joke or two to add to your funny jokes. I need to warn any blondes, if you are easily offended by blonde jokes, don't read this.

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 05, 2010, 05:41:23 pm
Hahhaha I loved the blond joke with the convertible lol :BangHead: :wave:
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 06, 2010, 06:08:09 pm
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The
spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.


The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall Barbie's full name
is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza in a life time.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: mc1962 on May 06, 2010, 06:41:33 pm
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The
spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.


The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall Barbie's full name
is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza in a life time.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

......
awesome post ty
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 08, 2010, 01:25:49 pm
DON'T SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END...IT'S PRICELESS!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >   A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
> > > when
>she
> > >   noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
> > >cemetery. A
> > >   long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
> > >50 feet
> > >   behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
> > >woman walking
> > >   a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were
> > >about
>200
> > >women
> > >   walking single file.
> > >
> > >   The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
> > > approached
>the
> > >   woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss! ,
> > >and I know now
> > >   is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
> > >Whose
> > >   funeral is it?"
> > >
> > >   "My husband's."
> > >
> > >   "What happened to him?"
> > >
> > >   The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
> > >
> > >   She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
> > >
> > >   The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
>husband
> > >   when the dog turned on her."
> > >
> > >   A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
> > >women.
> > >
> > >   "Can I borrow the dog?"
> > >
> > >   "Get in line."
> > >
> > >
> > >   ********************************************************
> > >
  A Woman's Prayer:

   Dear Lord, I pray for:
   Wisdom, To understand a man
   Love, To forgive him

 

 

> > >   Patience, For his moods
> > >   Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
> > >   I'll just beat him to death.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: jkhanson on May 12, 2010, 08:11:00 am
I LOVE this Thread!

Everyone needs a Laugh.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 12, 2010, 08:33:19 am
I LOVE this Thread!

Everyone needs a Laugh.

I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Feel free to add any jokes or stories you may have  :wave:
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 12, 2010, 08:37:20 am
The Italian Tomato  Garden
>>
>>     An old Italian man lived alone in the country.  He wanted to dig
his
>> tomato garden,
>>     but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.  His  only
son,
>> Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a
>> letter to his son and described his predicament.
>>
>>     Dear Vincent,
>>     I am  feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to
>> plant my tomato  garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be
>> digging up a garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be
over.  I
>> know you would dig the  plot for me.
>>     Love, Dad
>>
>>     A few days later he received a letter from his  son.
>>
>>     Dear Dad,
>>     Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.  That's where I
buried
>> the BODIES.
>>     Love, Vinnie
>>
>>     At 4 a.m.  the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and
>> dug up the  entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized
t! o
>> the old man and  left.
>>
>>     That same day the old man received another letter from his  son.
>>
>>     Dear Dad,
>>     Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best  I could
do
>> under the circumstances.  I hope it helped!
>>
>>     Love,  Vinnie
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: articx on May 12, 2010, 09:10:05 am
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Discovery Channel has a TV series, called MythBusters, and what they do is test myths is see if they are true or not. They found out a duck's quack does echo. They also have episodes where they tried to break the myth of folding paper more than seven times, and they tested keeping toothbrushes next to a toilet.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 12, 2010, 09:15:19 am
Some interesting facts.

And You Thought YOU Knew EVERYTHING.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Discovery Channel has a TV series, called MythBusters, and what they do is test myths is see if they are true or not. They found out a duck's quack does echo. They also have episodes where they tried to break the myth of folding paper more than seven times, and they tested keeping toothbrushes next to a toilet.

I think I saw that episode :)
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 14, 2010, 08:38:17 am
PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT

Dear Tide,

   I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

   I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was

the

  best.

   Now I am almost fifty I find it even better!

   In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my

   new white blouse.

   My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about

how

  clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

  One thing led to another and somehow I also ended up with his blood on

my

  new white blouse!

   I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to

   my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

   In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by

yesterday

  told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my

attorney

  called and said I was no longer considered a suspect in the

disappearance of

  my husband. What a relief!

  Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

  I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
 


  Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Elsie
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: irishlady1970 on May 15, 2010, 10:10:25 pm
I love redneck jokes and want to add this one to our list of great jokes....here it goes.
Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or
combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn
country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: TaintedLust on May 19, 2010, 04:33:43 pm
 :thumbsup:  very awesome topic. Everyone needs to laugh. I do all the time. My daughter makes me laugh.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 20, 2010, 11:09:17 pm
:thumbsup:  Florezitta, absolutely LOVE the jokes you've been posting!!  I hadn't heard any of them before and they made my day---thank you!!

Thanks I have had some help :0 you are welcome to post some if you have any :) :thumbsup:
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: kqa on May 21, 2010, 06:00:55 am
All of this is very interesting and entertaining.  Thank you!
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: irishlady1970 on May 28, 2010, 08:50:44 pm
Here's a funny one I heard the other day.
After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: irishlady1970 on May 28, 2010, 09:01:56 pm
One more joke just for good measure.

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on May 28, 2010, 09:16:04 pm
Here's a funny one I heard the other day.
After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

hahaha good one I like it...
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: ronie_23 on May 28, 2010, 10:24:28 pm
Hi Florezitta, this is another great idea. So I have a joke or two to add to your funny jokes. I need to warn any blondes, if you are easily offended by blonde jokes, don't read this.

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


These were funny!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: TaintedLust on June 20, 2010, 09:43:19 am
Last night I got bored so I went onto youtube on my phone and searched Pregnancy and came across the funniest video of a little boy. He was holding a pregnancy test and his dad asked him why did he want his mom to take it and he responded " I wanna know if mommy is married ". Another funny video is a baby boy dancing to beyonce single ladies. It's so darn cute
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: purplerush44 on June 20, 2010, 03:09:34 pm
I found out my dad is allergic to cotton.
He has pills to take for this, but he can't get them out of the bottle.

Customer: I want to add something nice to my motorcycle, but can't decide what to get.
Clerk: How about a radio? You can talk to your wife while you ride.
Customer: If I wanted to do that, I'd just take the car.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: koolaid614 on June 20, 2010, 10:49:51 pm
Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.

A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, the disappear.

The redhead says, "I think I am the smartest woman ever," and she disappears.

The brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth," and she disappears.

The blonde says, "I think-" and she disappears.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: irishlady1970 on June 20, 2010, 10:59:19 pm
I just love those blonde jokes, they make me chuckle every time. A good laugh at an equally good joke is definitely the best medicine and really lifts ones spirits. My father used to tell jokes all the time when I was growing up in Ireland and I remember falling around laughing at them. Thanks for the comedy corner Florezitta, this is a great idea.
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: cjobey99 on June 20, 2010, 11:05:38 pm
Thank you all, Florezitta and Irishlady should go on the road. Great site, positive vibes, and I don't even mind the blond jokes. :peace: :thumbsup: ;D
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: spendsitwell on June 21, 2010, 04:56:58 am
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: spendsitwell on June 21, 2010, 05:02:09 am
My favorite of all times.   LMAO

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

“How many D’s are there in “INDIANA JONES”"?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds “One”.

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he’ll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: “How many D’s are there in INDIANA JONES”?
She immediately says “One”. The interviewer says, “OK, we’ll let you know”.

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: “How many D’s are there in INDIANA JONES”.
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: “2, 4, 6 …., hmmm “ wait,… 2, 4, 6 …. can I borrow your calculator please?”

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: “Thirty two”

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: “Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?”

She replys, “Da-da-da daaa, da-da-da. Da-da-da DAAA, da-da da, da da!”
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: irishlady1970 on June 28, 2010, 10:13:50 pm
I just want to share one of my favorite jokes which is a letter from a mother to her child. I have to say that each time I read this I laugh so hard I cry. I remember the first time I actually read this letter at home in Ireland. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
 
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: jnjmolly on June 29, 2010, 01:25:30 am
Thank you for starting this post!!...Everyone has great jokes and i will check back every week to see whats new!!  :wave:
Title: Re: FCC- Florezitta's Comedy Corner :)
Post by: florezitta10 on June 29, 2010, 07:59:28 am
I just want to share one of my favorite jokes which is a letter from a mother to her child. I have to say that each time I read this I laugh so hard I cry. I remember the first time I actually read this letter at home in Ireland. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
 




HAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAA that was hilarious lol I love it I will have to steal it and forward it to my sister in law lol