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Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: BK_Adores_Chase on January 31, 2012, 06:42:42 pm
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I have to get my feelings out and I don't really have anyone to talk -- I like to keep my relationship issues from family and friends. So my fiance and I have 2 kids, 3 year and a 9 month old...I work nights and weekends, about 25 hours a week as a cashier...he works 40+ hours a week at his job powdercoating. He is always complaining that I won't get a job (I have a medical administrative assistant degree) but I feel like I really want to spend time with my kids because they are only young once. I feel kinda bad because my fiance pays the majority of the bills - I only pay for groceries and car insurance...but I'm happy with my life, I like my job and I like my living situation...he wants to go to school but says he can't because he has a full time job and doesn't have time for school...when I was going to school I had 3 jobs and still took care of the house. If I could do it I feel like he can do it too...I'm not saying it will be easy but I'm saying it's possible. I have no intentions of getting a job until my kids are teens...I feel I made a mistake going to school because although maa is my dream job, I know my degree will be crap by the time I'm ready for that job and I will probably have to go back to school...as long as I have a roof over my head and food on the table I am happy with the way things are...my job pays $8.71 an hour and I'm getting a raise in April...We get success sharing and also small bonuses for certain things...
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Did you and your fiancee talk about how finances would be handled before you got engaged? Did you talk about whether you'd keep working part-time until your kids were teens? The problem is, regardless of the answers to these questions, the economy is truly bad. You may have to bite the bullet and change your "ideal" plan of always working part-time. Sacrificing for your family like this will only make your future marriage stronger. Best of luck to you! :D
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Did you and your fiancee talk about how finances would be handled before you got engaged? Did you talk about whether you'd keep working part-time until your kids were teens?
This sounds like an important discussion to have. The issue is that both of you have your "wants/needs" and aren't communicating them to the other. You want to stay with your kids, but in exchange you're becoming a burden on your fiance. Would you guys be able to continue your lifestyle if he no longer worked as long or at all in exchange for going to school? I think on your 8.71 X 25hrs = ~$217. PRETAX dollars income the answer is going to be no. This is simply not strategic.
By relying on him, you're also stopping his dream. He can't go off to school because he needs to support you and his kids. I'd really think about how your choices are affecting each of you in going forward into life.
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you guys are awesome those answers are both amazing and give me a lot to think about...but also, if I get a full time job, I feel like...okay, so if I work 35 hours a week at $9 (thats the starting pay with my degree) I have to think about day care for both my kids...i'd say that would bring me to $4 an hour (if day care is $5 an hour for both kids)...that brings me to .... $140, which is less than I make working part time at my other job because I work when my fiance is home...so not only am I working more and seeing my kids less, but I'm making less money. It just doesn't make sense to me.
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Were you working full time when you met your fiance? If not, tell him you will go back to work when the kids are teenagers, you'll have to pay too much to others if you go back full time... did he think of that?
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Thats a really difficult situation. I know how you feel i am a woman and i dont rhink i could leave my kids too for a long time or a full time job at this age. But the thing is the economy is really bad and its really difficult for one person to support the whole family. But what you could do is maybe open a daycare in your house. That way you would have some income and still stay with your kids. Godd luck
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Are you having a hard time paying bills? He might want you to pick up a little more slack. Does he realize the costs of daycare? Call around to a few places in your area and find out how much it would cost for two kids then break down the numbers to him. If it's going to cost more money to get a full time vs daycare costs he needs to see the numbers. Make your case as to why it's better for you to work part time now. In the mean time see if you can start your own home business like the other poster suggested. You can have the best of both worlds you can stay home with the kids and bring in more money.
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Do what you want with this: I think that it is best for the kids to have a mom or a dad home with them, especially in their early years, whenever possible. I think that the kids learn important things from their parents. I don't know how much you'd make in your field or how much decent, reliable day care costs in your area. But, in my situation, I worked in the education field. I would have paid to work by the time I had day care for 2 kids, paid for eating out because I was too tired and busy to do the cooking at home, having 2 wardrobes (professional one for work and casual one for home- you probably have some sort of uniform as a cashier that you don't have to provide or just a few outfits that meet their standards) instead of just one (for home), car maintenance, etc. If you're working part time, when your fiance is at home, you could use his car to get to work if yours breaks down, and visa versa.
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Sounds like you might be happy with the set up, but he isnt.. Time To talk TO eachother
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Are you having a hard time paying bills? He might want you to pick up a little more slack. Does he realize the costs of daycare? Call around to a few places in your area and find out how much it would cost for two kids then break down the numbers to him. If it's going to cost more money to get a full time vs daycare costs he needs to see the numbers. Make your case as to why it's better for you to work part time now. In the mean time see if you can start your own home business like the other poster suggested. You can have the best of both worlds you can stay home with the kids and bring in more money.
all good ideas, oh yeah, did I mention my fiance and I share a vehicle, so that would only add to the maddness - yeah I was actually thinking to call around and show him the numbers, maybe next time he brings it up I'll do just that. Well, I have never had a full time job but I did have 3 part time jobs at once while attneding school full time as well, and that's when my fiance's dad would watch my son (I only had one child at the time) but I ALWAYS felt guilty his dad would watch our son everyday for hours upon hours -- and besides that would never work now because his dad is employed...back then he wasn't
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my fiance wants me to get a full time job too. i was offered one but with my medical issues at that time prevented me from taking it. i watch 5 kids part time and that is bringing in extra money so it is helping out.
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If you are not able to work with each other, you may not stay together longer. One wants to grow and the other does not want to. Being a mom is a wonderful thing, but now is the best time to go back to school. You will pay more money as your kids gets older. Please talk to each other.
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my fiance wants me to get a full time job too. i was offered one but with my medical issues at that time prevented me from taking it. i watch 5 kids part time and that is bringing in extra money so it is helping out.
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Did you think about how not building experience will cause you to remain at stagnant pay over the next x years? As those who build experience continue to move up in salary you'll be staying within some deviation from minimum wage. That might be working now, but you'll likely find that it doesn't work in the future. You also miss out on a lot of positive things like contributing to a 401k with an employer match, building pertinent professional experience, and contributing to your family's long term investment strategy (outside of retirement).
What's your retirement savings look like? Will it get you enough to pay yourself a decent salary per year in order to do the things you want to do?
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I'm sorry but that sounds kinda selfish. You're thinking about want you want to do over actual needs. You want to only work part time. You want to be continue doing this for the next 12 years or so. You're not all all considering what your finance and family needs. He needs you to work more so that your family won't struggle. He needs you to work more so he can get a better education so he can get a better job. Your kids need for both of you to have better jobs so they'll have a better life in the future. You need to stop letting your degree go to waste especially if you claim it's your dream job.
You need to talk to your finance about what your family needs instead of thinking about what you want.
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I have to get my feelings out and I don't really have anyone to talk -- I like to keep my relationship issues from family and friends. So my fiance and I have 2 kids, 3 year and a 9 month old...I work nights and weekends, about 25 hours a week as a cashier...he works 40+ hours a week at his job powdercoating. He is always complaining that I won't get a job (I have a medical administrative assistant degree) but I feel like I really want to spend time with my kids because they are only young once. I feel kinda bad because my fiance pays the majority of the bills - I only pay for groceries and car insurance...but I'm happy with my life, I like my job and I like my living situation...he wants to go to school but says he can't because he has a full time job and doesn't have time for school...when I was going to school I had 3 jobs and still took care of the house. If I could do it I feel like he can do it too...I'm not saying it will be easy but I'm saying it's possible. I have no intentions of getting a job until my kids are teens...I feel I made a mistake going to school because although maa is my dream job, I know my degree will be crap by the time I'm ready for that job and I will probably have to go back to school...as long as I have a roof over my head and food on the table I am happy with the way things are...my job pays $8.71 an hour and I'm getting a raise in April...We get success sharing and also small bonuses for certain things...
well then get a job. get on with it girl ;)
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Dear Get a Job: You have two children who are too young to be in the care of strangers for such long hours. I don't have to tell you of the horrors that can happen to little children in the wrong environment. I think your fiance has not thought this through completely. If you get a full time job you will have the additional expense of a babysitter for two children and with your current situation you will defeat the purpose of getting a job because the money will wind up in the babysitters pocket not your family. You still have an infant that you are still bonding with as a mother to her child and you have that child's future development to be concerned about. It's just not good for the children. Try to increase your hours at work or take on a second weekend job if necessary. Keep the bulk of your time for the children I'm sorry but my opinion is it's too soon to leave them. Your fiance will have to face the fact that if he wants to educate himself he will have to knuckle down work full time and do it. That's what a man does, a man sacrifices and puts his families needs first and never deprives them to comfort himself. He is the head of the household and the responsibility is his to provide for his woman while she is nesting and that is what you are doing now. Be kind to him and appreciative of everything he does he needs your encouragement and support.
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I would say stay home with the kids until they are both in school, then its a different story
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once again all good opinions and advice...did i mention i plan on voulenteering at the hospital i wish to work at that way i can keep my degree fresh, get my foot in the door, and hopefully get to know the right people...that way when both of my kids are in school, I am completely willing to get a full time job. I wouldn't have so much day care by that point, only a couple of hours after school...it will be perfect, but that's a couple of years away.
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I have to get my feelings out and I don't really have anyone to talk -- I like to keep my relationship issues from family and friends. So my fiance and I have 2 kids, 3 year and a 9 month old...I work nights and weekends, about 25 hours a week as a cashier...he works 40+ hours a week at his job powdercoating. He is always complaining that I won't get a job (I have a medical administrative assistant degree) but I feel like I really want to spend time with my kids because they are only young once. I feel kinda bad because my fiance pays the majority of the bills - I only pay for groceries and car insurance...but I'm happy with my life, I like my job and I like my living situation...he wants to go to school but says he can't because he has a full time job and doesn't have time for school...when I was going to school I had 3 jobs and still took care of the house. If I could do it I feel like he can do it too...I'm not saying it will be easy but I'm saying it's possible. I have no intentions of getting a job until my kids are teens...I feel I made a mistake going to school because although maa is my dream job, I know my degree will be crap by the time I'm ready for that job and I will probably have to go back to school...as long as I have a roof over my head and food on the table I am happy with the way things are...my job pays $8.71 an hour and I'm getting a raise in April...We get success sharing and also small bonuses for certain things...
Having 2 kids before getting married and expecting him to take care of you and the kids is the problem. You can't undo that. You can suggest online courses and look for a better job though.
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Congrats to you on your engagement. You and your fiance need to communicate. One of things you might want to point out is what it would cost him if he had to pay someone for all the things you do. If you were working full time you would have to sacrifice something in order to get all those other things done. He should respect that of you. After all he's sharing the perks of your hard work. I have 3 kids. I was lucky in the sense that I was able to stay home with my first 2 during there toddler years. While pregnant with my 3rd I divorced and my life changed. I didn't have the opportunity to stay home with my youngest until recently. She's now 5. I feel like I missed so much and she and I have a completely different relationship compared to that of her older siblings. Stick with your gut on this one. You don't want to use the "He held me back from doing what I wanted" line in 10 years. You sound like a smart reasonable person. Just think and pray real hard about doing something that will make someone else happy and not yourself.
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You all should have discussed this before having kids and getting engaged. Right about now your fiancee' doesn't feel you are pulling your weight even though you have 2 kids. You all need to sit down and discuss how to sort this out or it will only get worse.
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Your kids come first. He can go to night school on the nights your not working. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. So the two of you really need to sit down and talk about it. Does he help out with the kids much, or help with the housework. All things must be considered.
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i don't ever think what everybody want or expect from me.you should know what's best for you.
Don't let anybody ruin your world because of that.Nobody can tell you what to do.They can suggest.
Last word belongs to you.
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I think staying home with the kids should be a lower priority than saving enough money to help them go to college. I think the people suggesting staying home are missing some very important aspects. Going to work and advancing your family's position in the world is much better help than sitting at home giving yourself a sad justification on why it's okay not to be working.
If my fiance had this mentality, then she might not be my fiance any longer. I think your stance on the subject is characteristic of an excuse and you're just looking for other people to help you justify it.
If you think retail childcare is too expensive, then you can pretty easily find lower cost alternatives.
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Folks, a look at BK's other post-- Why Does My Fiance Do This?-- might be illuminating.
Another option to paying for daycare or a babysitter is to trade with your neighbors. An example: earlier this year, our finances got tight and we couldn't afford to pay someone to mow our lawn anymore. So our neighbor agreed to do it, in exchange for us watching her daughter a couple times a week (for 1-2 hours). This was how neighborhoods worked in the 70s when I grew up, and it looks like it's getting back that way. Look into it. :D
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omg haha i just went back and read that post...contradicted myself. I guess maybe I used the wrong wording? I mean he does think we never talk, but I don't think that has to do with lack of communication -- I think the lack of communication part is more talking out your problems.
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You need to have this worked out BEFORE you get married. The stresses of financial problems cause so many marriages to fail. This day and age it does take 2 incomes to be able to live, but you will need to weigh the pros and cons, the cost of daycare can be pretty costly, you may find that you would only be working to cover the daycare expenses, if that were the case then I would say you are better off staying home with your kids. Maybe you could watch a couple of kids addition to being home with yours. What ever you decide make sure it is a decision that you and he agree on. Good Luck to you.
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Communication, communication, communication. I can't stress that enough, especially about how you all deal with your finances. Make sure you all come to a mutual agreement as far as how to handle the situation. One suggestion might be ( I think someone already mentioned it.) would be to find out how to start a home or online business. You could do some searching to find out what you're good at or what interests you, and figure out how to turn it into income. It will take some time to build income, but you could do that on the side and still work your 25 hours. That way you could still be at home with the kids. I sympathize with you wanting to be there for your kids while they are young. I don't think it's selfish to put your kids needs first, especially since you all aren't married yet. I don't know if he fully understands what your days are like in being with the children all day and working 25 hours. Stay positive! Hope you and your fiance come to an understanding!
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Thats a really difficult situation. I know how you feel i am a woman and i dont rhink i could leave my kids too for a long time or a full time job at this age. But the thing is the economy is really bad and its really difficult for one person to support the whole family. But what you could do is maybe open a daycare in your house. That way you would have some income and still stay with your kids. Godd luck
My fiance works full time and pays all the bills and dosent ask anything but to take care of our kids. (2 & 11months) He wants to go to school but knows it can't happen for a couple more years and is encourging me to go to school so I can get started with my career. I'm very lucky and grateful to have the option of staying home. But I babysit to earn extra money to help him out on bills or buy things for the kids so he dosent have to.. if u live in an apartment complex u can put up signs if u don't have many friends with kids. I like doing it not only for some extra cash but my kids to have somebody to play with too..
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I have no experience in this field (single with no kids) so my opinion might not be all that valid.
Personally, I'd like to stay home with my kids if I had the choice. Kids are amazing and I'm sure it's even more amazing when they are yours. My mom has told me tons of stories about how when I was <insert age> I did <insert something>. It's sorta embarrassing to hear these stories all the time, but then you realize that this person truly cares about you enough to remember this story. I'd like to give that to my kids instead of having a sitter or someone else have these experiences. In addition, what happens if the kid is at school and gets picked on? I'd rather be there to greet them after school and talk to them about it then hear it hours later if at all. My one friend came to my house and started crying about something that happened to her at school and explained how she told her parents when they got home from work but they (sorta) told her to get over it. I'm not saying you'd be like them, but if a kid is hurt over something, it's better to be there for them immediately then when work gets out.
Now, as far as the finances go, I'd just like to point out that you do have a job. It's not like you are just sitting at home not doing anything all day. Generally moms do tons of work throughout the day and on top of that, you are going to a night job. Obviously it's not enough in his opinion, but you aren't just dumping all the bills on him. Paying for all that is going to have to factor in and if $9 is your starting salary, you'd almost be better off staying with your current situation and pulling a few extra shifts.
I'm kinda with vickysue on how it sounds like he wants his life to remain the same but hopes you'll change to make it easier. If he wants to go back to school, he could take 1 or 2 courses at a time and still be fine. It's not like he has to go back full time or anything. Plus, does he think if you get a full time job that he can just quit and focus on school? It doesn't sound like that would be possible even if you get a full time job so why have your kids lives, your life, and his life all change at the same time. That just seems like a lot of stress to throw on a new marriage.
One question I don't think anyone has asked yet is do you guys really need the money or are you stable at the moment and he just wants to do a bit better? You don't have to answer that, but it's something to think about. There nothing wrong with wanting things to be better, but he should be the one trying to change first before saying you should.
I'd also like to point out the fact (at least when you posted this) that he's your FIANCE. You aren't even married yet and he thinks things should change. That kinda screams 'what the heck' to me but obviously I don't know everything about the situation. If this is a soon to be new marriage, kinda worries me. Again, I've never been married, so perhaps I'm wrong or I'm taking this whole thing out of context, but it just sorta bugs me when others think they can tell you what to do and you should do it. I mean, heck, even if you both sit down and figure out that you working full time would be better, it's still up to you to do it.
As others have mentioned, you both REALLY need to talk. In fact, you might even want to set a date with him on when you both can talk about all of this and kinda warn him you'll be researching these things so you both can figure this out. That then gives him some time to do research as well to sorta support his side so it isn't like you're ambushing him with research to support yours. You should also look at your bills currently and see if there is anywhere you could cut back to help save. For instance, I don't know what you're feeding your kids, but when I was a baby, my mom said she bought actually vegetables, blended them up, poured it into ice cube trays and froze it, and fed us that instead of the jarred baby food. And by using the ice cube trays, you can adjust the amount of food very easily.
I wish you the best with this situation and I hope you find the best outcome.
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Just to add my 2 cents - I have a friend sort of in your situation, only a few years down the road. She's got 3 kids and is currently divorced. She and her ex share custody, but they both still meet to discuss a balance in finances, particularly when it comes to child care.
As others have stated, you both really do need to take time to sit down and plan out your finances. Come up with a multi-year plan that both of you can agree upon. Know that both of you will probably need to make some compromises to make it work. Money issues are one of those top reasons couples break up, so it's not a discussion to take lightly.
Given what both of you would like to do, there are the many factors to consider in the different options available. Discuss the option of you working full time - if you do, there is the child care to consider. Would you be able to find a job that when you deduct the cost of child care, you come out ahead? My friend and her ex decided it was in their best interest for her to stay home until the kids were in school - mostly because the cost of child care was more than what she would make working full time. Didn't make sense financially.
For him going to school - perhaps doing night classes or online classes part-time (one or two classes) could be an option. If he had not taken any classes, and I'd recommend taking the general breadth requirement classes - the ones that could easily transfer anywhere - to get them out of the way in the short term.
Think about how the situation may change once the kids are in school. Perhaps you can then take-up a full time job at that point, or a second part-time job. This is where my friend is at now - her kids are going to school full days starting this fall and she's already gotten herself a job lined up (plus she also runs her own part time massage business out of her home that she plans to increase her client list there too for extra income).
Hopefully both you and your fiance can identify all these variables and timing issues to arrive at a compromise you both can agree to. You should probably have this conversation sooner than later so feelings/attitudes don't brood for too long. Perhaps plan to have someone watch the kids while you both had this discussion/these discussions - so you are not interrupted and can really focus on the solution that's right for you.
Good luck!
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Wow hard question. Looks like you and your man will have a lot of talking to do to come to an agreement on this. Maybe you two can find a compromise after taking all things into consideration. Both sides are valid ones.
Kids are a very important investment for the future. Money helps us do what we need and want to. I worked while my kids were young and hated the things I missed like the first steps and all tho now it could be recorded. Sometimes it is the kids who end up making the biggest sacrifices so maybe whatever you decide you should review after a while to see that it is working for all.
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if your fiance wants you to get a full time job explain to him about the situation.... to be honest with you i just skimmed through it because its just damn long to read lol so hopefully you find my answer somewhat good.
why dont you and your fiance do some network marketing job type and a part time job so that way its easier on the both of you. it will lay off the stress off each other ya know so try to be more assertive on the subject. i know that prob online job is bunch of hype and BS but there are some thats legit and its pretty working out good for me. i only use this site as my chunk change for food and other stuff i need to get.. but yeah hopefully it will work out for the both of you...
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Well,for my 2 cents,I say your kids are only little once.They need you at this age.Before you know it they'll be in school,plenty of time to work then.
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I like the suggestion of sitting down and planning out a multi-year financial plan. Wonderful!
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I agree that spending time with the kids is most important. I always call for free mini psychic readings for advice in difficult situations.
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I also think it is important to look at the details of him going back to school. Will it even give him an advantage in his field? and I would assume he is going to work thru school (at least part time). Might check out the advantage of him going part time to school...or the weekend degrees. It would def be time for a while. But I think it's wise that you are working out the math and trying to see what truly equals out.
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Well,for my 2 cents,I say your kids are only little once.They need you at this age.Before you know it they'll be in school,plenty of time to work then.
True but they need you even more when they become teenagers. And adults too :)
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good for you :notworthy: my wife only work until her 6 month pregnancy now we been together for 13 years and I'm still Working to make ends meet and where happy with that as long as we have a roof over our head and bills paid where good
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BK, I have read some of your posts in the last couple of months. I think I see a trend. I'm sorry to say this, but are you sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? It seems there is more going on in this relationship than your getting a full-time job from other posts I have read. Maybe you should give this a lot of thought. At the VERY least, you two need to talk.....
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If I was you I would show him how much daycare will cost for your two kids. I have one 15 month old son who I stay home with. Before he was born I was a preschool teacher at a daycare. Even with the discount they would give me I would only be making a few dollars an hour. You also have to factor in the time you might have to take off if they get sick & you need to stay home with them. At my daycare you pay for childcare even if the child misses a day. We struggle, but I coupon and try to find ways to cut costs & it has been working for us so far.
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I would say your fiance does not sound like a fan of the arrangement. he probably feels as though he his carrying the financial burden. and would like some help.. the kids are a good excuse, but dont use it for too long. it might land you by yourself..