FC Community
Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: BK_Adores_Chase on July 24, 2012, 11:12:29 am
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because my mom hates my fiance and he says he's not going to spend the rest of his life taking her crap. It's like, dude, that's my Mom, I'm not going to just stop talking to her, sheesh. :angry7:
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Make it a rule that you aren't going to ever talk trash to them about the other one. Clearly tell them that and then stick to it - which is the toughest part. Find someone else to vent too. Unfortunately their relationship may never improve. Good Luck...inlaws are always tricky even when you like them.
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I'm not sure if you're making posts just to get your 30 posts in or not. I'll just play along though. From previous stuff of yours I've read it doesn't seem like you mind taking his abuse (physical and mental), so I don't really know what kind of help you expect someone to give you. No one but you can cut those chains. We're not there to pick you up after he tosses you down a flight of stairs, be your bff when he cheats on you, or to play the psychology role when he makes unreasonable ultimatums. If you don't have a grasp on common sense and survival skills, maybe you should go take some survival classes to learn some basic human instincts. Either way, posting isn't going to help you in this situation. :-X
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If what the previous person said is true and you've posted all of those things, it sounds like your mom has good reason to hate him.
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If what the previous person said is true and you've posted all of those things, it sounds like your mom has good reason to hate him.
I was going to say...but Shandara09 beat me to it. It certainly seems she has good reason, I am sure she loves you and feels you should have a person in your life that will treat you with love and respect. For him to now tell you to choose between him and your mother...I'd say that is a big red flag to consider.
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If anyone, ever, gives you an ultimatum be it a boss, family member, significant other, choose the other thing/person. An ultimatum is a controlling measure. You don't want to be controlled, do you? Nobody wants to be controlled in love, life, or.career.
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I think he should respect you and your mother too. If he doesn't respect you and treats you like he did as we all read in your other post, he never will. You deserve something better. Your mother will not be in this world forever. *bleep*, LOL I would probably kick that guys *bleep* if he through my daughter down the stairs. Thank God your still alive. Hang that guy from his *b all s* from the tallest tree! :BangHead:
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Make it a rule that you aren't going to ever talk trash to them about the other one. Clearly tell them that and then stick to it - which is the toughest part. Find someone else to vent too. Unfortunately their relationship may never improve. Good Luck...inlaws are always tricky even when you like them.
:thumbsup:
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I think he should respect you and your mother too. If he doesn't respect you and treats you like he did as we all read in your other post, he never will. You deserve something better. Your mother will not be in this world forever. *bleep*, LOL I would probably kick that guys *bleep* if he through my daughter down the stairs. Thank God your still alive. Hang that guy from his *b all s* from the tallest tree! :BangHead:
lmao haha maybe i will
:thumbsup:
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It seems that you complain about him everyday on here. If you dont like anything about him, then why are you engaged to him? :dontknow: Might want to ask yourself some tought questions. ???
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Sounds like this relationship is already doomed. Cut him loose so you can get on with your life and find yourself a good quality guy. Trust me, if you waste time hanging onto this guy it will just end up being wasted time that you regret later on. You don't want to have to start your whole life over a year or two from now because you didn't break up with a guy that was obviously wrong for you. Start your life now!
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I know that's right. She brought you into the world. For me its the opposite. My guy's mom drives me nuts.I dont feel bad about avoiding her either because out of her kids he is the only one who visits and does for her. She is always putting people down but I would never make anyone choose me over their own mom!
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It is hard to make the right decision where the heart is concerned, "BK_Adores_Chase". The advice from all the previous members are sound. Picture yourself in 5 years' time - with or without him - then make a decision. I wish you wisdom and luck.
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Listen to mom. From what you say about him here your mom has every right to hate him. He sounds like a complete and utter grade A a$$whole.
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Disregard your mother's manipulative opinion and go with your own since her opinion has nothing to do with your relationships unless you want it to. See the situation from his perspective; why should he have to put up with her "crap" just because she's your mother?
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If you have the kind of mother who cares about you and who has always been there for you, then you need to listen to your mother. She, being older, sees your future and not just your present. If you are seriously even considering a future with someone who misteats you before marriage, do you really think it gets better?
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Mr. Boyfriend would be following the yellow brick road. He doesn't have to like her but then again he shouldn't be making you choose either your mother or him. Sounds like a jerk.
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Well, right now he is your fiance and if you plan on marrying him I recommend your fiance and your mother learn to get along or you will be caught in the middle and no one will be happy. Pray about it and give it to the Lord.
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My husband is the same way! If I ever said that about HIS mom, he'd freak out and go all defensive. Yet somehow it's perfectly alright to insult MY mother? I know she's a little (okay maybe waaaaaaaaaay) over the top sometimes, but she gave birth to me.. She's my mom! See where I'm going with this? Pretty much insanity to say "stop talking to your mother or I'll leave you". Gha! Men can be so bizarre sometimes! >:(
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you tell your fiancé that you will still talk to your mother and two your family. He don't have to give people see them as you get a chance go see them once in a while maybe once a week or if you live close or once every year or so you get his go to your mother.'
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Well, right now he is your fiance and if you plan on marrying him I recommend your fiance and your mother learn to get along or you will be caught in the middle and no one will be happy. Pray about it and give it to the Lord.
I do feel like I am caught in the middle...it's so horrible. I won't write my true feelings because there's a 1% chance my Mom could read this, but I wish she would stop talking bad about him.
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If you want her to stop talking bad about him don't complain about him to her then she won't know what he's doing and vice versa. Just don't talk about them to the other person.
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How about if he loves you then he would just understand that its not the your mom that he has to sleep with or even deal with 24/7....As him to act as if she never hated him and treat her with respect even though it hurts he would do it if he loves you....If he is a true man he would do everything in his power to fix that,,,Buy gifts, apologize for whatever he has done or express that somewhere their relationship has gotten off track and ask for forgiveness.
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You should force both of them to get along.
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The number one thing a man wants from his spouse is respect. If his spouse respects him, he will move mountains to make his spouse happy. In this case, you are intending to start a new, independent family unit with him. In the end, whatever happens is up to you and him - not either of your parents. Your parents can be consulted for their wisdom/experience, but ultimately it will be you two making the final decision.
What you are doing at the moment, is associating with someone who is severely disrespecting him. By telling you it's your mom or him is his way of telling you he's not getting the respect he needs from you.
If your mom is bad mouthing him, you need to tell your mom that you've made your choice, and she is no longer welcome when she bad mouths him. Then if she does bad mouth him, either kick her out of your house, or leave hers until she respects your wishes. She may disagree with your decision, but you don't have to let her bad mouth him in your presence. By taking this stand, you will set boundaries with your mother, and show your fiance you respect his wishes and are siding with him.
By holding on to your desire to associate with your mother when she bad mouths your fiance, you are choosing her over him in his eyes - which is a major slap in the face. How is he supposed to feel when this situation you've abandoned him?
Try thinking about your reactions to his requests/ultimatums from the point of view of his perception of respect you are showing him. You may be surprised how many things women do that cut away the perceived respect toward their fiances/husbands which ultimately create a hostile home environment.
A example my sister recently told me which demonstrates this is a woman complaining about how her husband never fixes things around the house, yet always goes over to fix things for an elderly neighbor lady. Why is that? When he goes to the neighbor lady, she showers him with appreciation, telling him how he's her hero for fixing this and that - saving her money calling a professional. How he's a sweet boy for helping her. She offers him snacks. Then he goes home. The "welcome" he gets from his wife is "Where were you?...Were you over at HER house again?...The back door is still not fixed here! But you have time to fix HER stuff?..."
Based on the above - which "house" would the man feel more like being at? In my mind it's a no brainer. What if the wife responded more with praise on how he's such a good man for helping the neighbor out and ask if he's hungry, if he needs something? Don't mention anything about the "door" that needs fixing. Make him feel even better. Eventually, the husband will notice the wife struggling with the broken door and will fix it - which then she should thank him for fixing it (where most women get mad saying that "it took him long enough..." - which is a back handed disrespectful comment).
Take a hard look at how you react to your fiance and his requests/demands. Perhaps your reactions over the years have contributed to creating this situation. If you find yourself reacting in a manner he is perceiving as disrespectful - you need to start mending things with you. You have to change your attitude and reactions to his requests. If you start creating a consistent, positive, safe environment for him, in time, he will feel you really have his back and will be more responsive to your needs. It sounds like it's taken years to reach this point, so don't expect his attitude to change in a few weeks. You may need to keep at this for months/years. If that's the case, you'll need to decide if you want to make that kind of commitment to him and stick to it.
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My questions: Why does your Mother hate Your fiance'? Does he abuse you in any way? Did you tell her about this abuse and if you did why? If what you say is true then you have a choice to make. Or are you manipulating both of them. hmmmmm.
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I think I would take my Mom! You only get one Mom in your life, and to live with someone who hates your precious mother would be awful.
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You'll have to think this over because you don't want to choose someone over the next and severe your ties with the other. Maybe they need to go to counseling (I know it sounds crazy but it might help). Is there any reason why they hate each other? Bad 1st impression that someone never got over?
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Take into consideration how you and your mom get along. If you are close and trust her a lot, and very much accept her views on some things, then that's a plus. If she speaking "crap" because of the way he's been treating you, as of late and that someone re-wrote about what you originally wrote, then I can't blame her, because she may be extremely concerned and worried about what else he could do to you. If the "crap" is more nagging, picking, arguing for different reasons, then something is just not right with that.
If he's hurting you, it won't stop when married, unless he gets help, or anger management. It could get worse. Is that something you really want? If there are children involved, or maybe later, you need to consider if what he does to you will in turn, be done to your children.
It's ultimately your decision to make. And I know you just want them to get along. Neither should be making ultimatums to you, either. You want to be with someone where you both are treated respectfully from each other. I wish you the best with trying to decide what to do.
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I agree with some of the other posters. I'm not sure if you are just trying to get in your 30 posts per month, but every day, it seems, you have another complaint about your boyfriend/fiance. I can't believe you are still even considering staying with him, especially after the post about him pushing you down the stairs. Does it really take you this long to figure out, or are you just making all this up? I hope you are grown up to realize you need to take action, not just ask for advice from members of a survey forum. I could give you all the advice you need on relationships, I think, having been married 49 years and having gone through most of the difficulties couples have, but I'm sure it would go in one ear and out the other. Again, if all this is true about your "fiance," why is it that a lot of young women feel the need to be in a relationship, even if it is a disastrous one. No man is worth all that.
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the best thing to do have a reunion the both of them :heart:
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This is the best piece of advice I have gotten in a long time...thank you for. Taking time out of your life to share this with me. I love my fiance and I am the type of person who doesn't give up I want our relationship to work and grow and a lot of what you said are things I never thought of before. I feel like this is positive advice normally it seems like all I get is negative advice I can't thank you enough
The number one thing a man wants from his spouse is respect. If his spouse respects him, he will move mountains to make his spouse happy. In this case, you are intending to start a new, independent family unit with him. In the end, whatever happens is up to you and him - not either of your parents. Your parents can be consulted for their wisdom/experience, but ultimately it will be you two making the final decision.
What you are doing at the moment, is associating with someone who is severely disrespecting him. By telling you it's your mom or him is his way of telling you he's not getting the respect he needs from you.
If your mom is bad mouthing him, you need to tell your mom that you've made your choice, and she is no longer welcome when she bad mouths him. Then if she does bad mouth him, either kick her out of your house, or leave hers until she respects your wishes. She may disagree with your decision, but you don't have to let her bad mouth him in your presence. By taking this stand, you will set boundaries with your mother, and show your fiance you respect his wishes and are siding with him.
By holding on to your desire to associate with your mother when she bad mouths your fiance, you are choosing her over him in his eyes - which is a major slap in the face. How is he supposed to feel when this situation you've abandoned him?
Try thinking about your reactions to his requests/ultimatums from the point of view of his perception of respect you are showing him. You may be surprised how many things women do that cut away the perceived respect toward their fiances/husbands which ultimately create a hostile home environment.
A example my sister recently told me which demonstrates this is a woman complaining about how her husband never fixes things around the house, yet always goes over to fix things for an elderly neighbor lady. Why is that? When he goes to the neighbor lady, she showers him with appreciation, telling him how he's her hero for fixing this and that - saving her money calling a professional. How he's a sweet boy for helping her. She offers him snacks. Then he goes home. The "welcome" he gets from his wife is "Where were you?...Were you over at HER house again?...The back door is still not fixed here! But you have time to fix HER stuff?..."
Based on the above - which "house" would the man feel more like being at? In my mind it's a no brainer. What if the wife responded more with praise on how he's such a good man for helping the neighbor out and ask if he's hungry, if he needs something? Don't mention anything about the "door" that needs fixing. Make him feel even better. Eventually, the husband will notice the wife struggling with the broken door and will fix it - which then she should thank him for fixing it (where most women get mad saying that "it took him long enough..." - which is a back handed disrespectful comment).
Take a hard look at how you react to your fiance and his requests/demands. Perhaps your reactions over the years have contributed to creating this situation. If you find yourself reacting in a manner he is perceiving as disrespectful - you need to start mending things with you. You have to change your attitude and reactions to his requests. If you start creating a consistent, positive, safe environment for him, in time, he will feel you really have his back and will be more responsive to your needs. It sounds like it's taken years to reach this point, so don't expect his attitude to change in a few weeks. You may need to keep at this for months/years. If that's the case, you'll need to decide if you want to make that kind of commitment to him and stick to it.
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Your mom must hate him for a reason. It's common sense that this ultimatum he's giving you is :bs: and why would you let him, or anyone for that matter control you that way? You need to get your head together and see the light. Take it from experience, which I am free from now, it will only get worse. Noone on FC or any forum can help you with this....you should know in your heart and head that you don't shut your mom out of your life girl. :sad1:
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The all time saying "Mom knows best" is a very true statement!