FC Community
Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: arms1977 on August 14, 2009, 01:00:19 pm
-
I need your advice! My husband and I have been married for 11 years now. We are a "normal" couple and are happy most of the time. We have disagreements like any other couple, but we hate confrontation. My inlaws, brother-in-law, and his girlfriend are in town and staying in our home. My mother in law and I have never gotten along. She has always blamed me for stealing her "baby" and all that nonsense. She constantly bad-mouths me to anyone that will listen but is not bold enough to speak to me about issues she may have. She has actually made up numerous lies over the years to try to split he and I up. She actually got into my face last Christmas shaking her finger at me as if I were a child...no, I am not kidding. It was all I could do not to punch her lights out! My husband was standing to my left and said and did nothing.
Well she is once again here and the problems began the evening they arrived. She has been trying to keep us apart and trying to maipulate him with lies. My husband is diabetic and they encourage him to consume LARGE amounts of alcohol anytime they are around. Needless to say the FIRST night they were here he was trashed beyond belief! I know that he is an adult and makes his own choices, but when you wave a carrot at a horse long enough, he will bite. The next evening he was within minutes of going into diabetic coma when his sugar dropped below 40. I ran to a neighbors for help (she is an RN) and then called 911. Fortunately, they were able to bring his sugar levels back to normal in a matter of minutes, but it was still scary none the less. After the ambulance had left the mother in law started saying things like "I sure am glad we were here, she was going to let you die," and "You need to move back up north so your real family can take care of you," notice the words you all never came out of her mouth. She told him that I did not care that he was ill and did nothing to help him. She said I spent my time looking aound the house for car keys! I did look for car keys for a few minutes, but only becuse I needed to take him to the hospital! I feel that is a normal reaction to a crisis. His doctor told him to take the next four days and rest and relax, yet his family has him running all over the coast doing nonsense for them and he has had no rest since the incident. That should tell him how much they care about him!
She also tries to convince him that I am cheating on him with every man I come into contact with and has made up NUMEROUS stories about men being in our home when he is away on business even though she lives over 1000 miles away from us! She even had him convinced our son was not his but was one of our neighbors! I nipped that in the bud real quick when I offered to get a paternity test. I made darn sure that it was done too. Guess what, I WAS telling the truth, like I always do. Even after the test she still claims that I fixed the results by switching the saliva from my husbands to the real father! I have never even been intimate with another person!
Needless to say my family does not like his family because they allow her to treat me in that manner without putting a stop to it, in fact they feed into her deceptions by trying to keep me aaway while she lies to my husband! It is not a healthy environment for anyone involved and has really put a strain on our relationship. I do not want to come between my husband and his mother, nor have I stolen him from them. He is a grown man and needs to cut the apron strings if you ask me!
I really do not even like discussing his family with him and I should not feel that way! We should be able to sit down and discuss our concerns like adults, but he constantly defends her and accuses ME of making things up just because SHE is right and I should be a better wife! I am truly at my whitts end. I cannot continue to be in a marriage where I am always under scrutiny and my word is questioned when she says anything. I am not a liar or a cheater and am tired of being treated as such. I also do not want them staying in our home because they treat m like their personal chef and maid and criticize EVERYTHING I do. Seriously, this woman refuses to address me using my name! She calls me a slang term for a female dog in heat and my husband does nothing! She even accused me of stealing money out of our joint checking account! I could really go on for days about the things this woman puts me through. After all, it has been 15 years of pure heck!
I am the only woman who has ever stayed with my husband for more than a few months. All of the others were quickly run off by mommy dearest. She also made up rediculous stories about them, which at first I believed, but now that I really know her and a few of them, I know these stories were all bold faced lies too. I do not know what to do at this point. She treats her youngest son's girlfriend with a LOT of respect and they are like best buddies and that is like adding salt to the wound. She seems to put the young lady on a pedestal and she and I are a lot alike. She is a nice young lady, but they have only been dating like three months!
I am the one who gave her a grandchild and I am the one who has put up with her nonsense, yet I am the one treated as though I am not worthy of a bucket of water if I were on fire. I think my biggest downfall was telling her that she was a liar to her face when I walked in on a bashing session they were having about me. I did that in front of her friends, but she was telling horrible lies about me, yet again and I was not going to stand for it any longer! I seem to be the only person with the guts to stand up to her and not allow her to intimidate me!
I am honestly thinking about packing up myself and our child and leaving my husband. That will solve nothing and I know it. That will cause undue grief to our child, stress on us, and SHE will have gotten her way yet again. I really love my husband. He lights up my world like no one else can ever do. I cannot imagine living my life in misery when she is around though! Does anyone out there have any words of advice or wisdom they could share?? I would appreciate anything you have because I am out of options at this point. My father keeps telling me that if my husband truly loved me and had any respect for me that he would not allow that tpye of behavior to continue from his mother and I agree, but how do I fix it? (Killing her is NOT an option lol.) Would you stay in a relationship under these circumstances or would you gracefully bow out? All I am asking for is the respect I am due. Is that too much? Seriously, I could be one of those gold diggers who tries to hire someone to kill her son, but no, I do everything in my power to make his life easier and happier, because I love him...and I am not a nut case like those other ladies. Medication does not help either, plus the doctor will not prescribe me anymore since he knows I am really not depressed or crazy. I have sent our son to my parents for the remainder of their stay and I am going to check into a hotel, but again it is not fair that the she devil run me out of my own home, the child is okay because he loves my parents since they treat him like a human being and allow him to have fun. I have another week of her junk and I really don't think I can take it!! HELP!!!!
-
:oIm sorry to be so blunt but your husband needs to GROW UP, and tell hes mom to back the f- off of you and if she cannot accept you then she needs to not come around anylonger. My husband dealt with hes sister being so rude to me up until the point were she made a comment to him saying I never loved him. He went off, but in a polite manner. And just told her if she has a problem with me then she has a problem with him. They have not spoken in 5 years. I hope your case will turn out better but it seems like this MONSTER in law you have will not change. Being that your husband has let her get away with this type of behavior for 11 years.
-
Your husband needs to be much more supportive of you. Did you ever try to discuss these problems with your husband and/or your MIL? I cannot imagine dealing with all of this???!!! I am not sure how far away your in laws live, but just try to ignore her and not interact with her, unless there can be a meeting of the minds. Hopefully these visits are not too often. Her behavior is unacceptable in your own home and she sounds very immature. Some people just do not grow up. HTH
-
You need to try marriage counseling - preferably through a church so your MIL can't say the counselor is on your side. If your husband won't go you will have to make up your own mind about how much you can take. This is true emotional abuse. It is not good for your child to see this.
-
kill her with kindness! ;D
you might've tried this already, seeing as how you've
been dealing with her crap for quite some time. but...
kissing *bleep* could really only help you at this point.
what do you have to lose?
i'd be as nice and as helpful as i possibly could.
i'd keep a smile tacked on my face (even though behind
it, i'd be wanting to rip what little hair she has left
from her gray head)
take those snide little remarks, stick 'em in your back
pocket, and make her think the sun shines out your *bleep*!
i'd turn her negative wit right around on her -- "why, yes,
i suppose i AM a bad wifey, but he sure did like that steak
i cooked the other night! MMMhm ;)"
you gotta be one step ahead, man. beat her at her own game.
sounds like everybody loves raymond, lol.
-
i have a policy - if they don't like me or my spouse then they are not invited. i only have people around us that have a positive prospective and i'm very straight forward - this takes confidence in one's self and spouse
-
wow..i love in-law stories lol...but yeah, your husband is old enough to say something about it....if he truly cares about you then he would try to defend you in front of her
-
You are in a very sad situation. And you don't deserve it(no one does).
But you let this go for way too long. There isn't a way to patch it. Your husband doesn't respect you, and neither does his family. You can't change that after 15 years. You're in a box and that's all there is to it.
There isn't some way to fix this. Your husband's family comes first, you come second. No counselor can change his priorities.
I'm not suggesting you leave your husband, that's up to you. But you need to accept that things are not going to suddenly get better by something you do. You've already done quite enough and it's been rejected.
-
i have a policy - if they don't like me or my spouse then they are not invited. i only have people around us that have a positive prospective and i'm very straight forward - this takes confidence in one's self and spouse
Well said...me too. My parents have a problem with my husband (for no reason at all, mind you), so we have had no contact for 6 months now. I told them there will be no contact until they apologize for being rude to him and get over it. My mother in law is jealous because I'm a 5,000,000 times better wife & mom than she ever was, she is the worst freaking *itch from hell on the planet but I'm very lucky because my husband hates her :) But yeah, we are MARRIED, we stick together, if you want to have a relationship with one of us then you better be ready to take on the other one too :) Your husband needs to decide what is more important, and it sounds like YOU have his best interests in mind, not his mommy.
-
I appreciate all of your help and suggestions. I tried the kill her with kindness thing for about 6 years, it did not work on this woman. I really believe she is the epitomy of evil. She has not been welcome in my home for over 6 years now, bt hubby keeps letting her in, so that doesn't work either. Four days ago I actually did sit down with my pastor to discuss the issue. I even got some of the verbal abuse I receive from my MIL on video and showed it all to him. He could clearly see that I was doing nothing to provoke the situation ( I was washing dishes and clening up beer cans that I did not consume) and he fells she is a mental case...like I did not already know that lol. Anyway, the pastor suggested I give hubby the ultimadeum...me or mom. I left his office after the secomd meeting with the kowledge I needed and went home to wait on hubby. We sat down and talked, although it was difficult with his family CONSTANTLY interrupting. I also showed him the tape and he cried because he saw ( I guess for the first time) how I was completely innocent and how it hurt me. I told him it was me oe mom, packed a few of my belongings and left the home. I was giving him time to think things through. I still have not spoken to him. I have left him alone to do his thinking. It has been two days since I left and he keeps calling, but I know it is only because he is hungry lol. I am waiting on the text or voicemail with a sincere apology and an answer before I make my decision. I do know that he kicked his family out of our home the evening that I left. I guess his mental mom really pitched a fit and did some damage to our home. One of our neighbors called me after calling the police! The MIL broke every picture of me in the home and even some of our child, then proceeded to break my great grandmothers china set piece by piece. After that she started throwing things and punching the walls, making sure to damage every wall in the house. No one did anyhthing to stop her either...which pretty much tells me hubby will never stand up to her. Needless to say I have filed formal vandalism charges against her and will be seeking restitution from her to pay for all of the thousands of dollars in damages she caused. Now I am having difficulty keeping my mother away from her because that china belonged to her as well. My family hs treated my husband with the utmost respect, even if they do not agree with the choiuces he makes. Now, things have changed because he has allowed this MIL issue to evolve into violence against our home. My father has made appointments with ever divorce attourney in my community lol. I will not be keeping those appointments just yet, as my child and I are going to Orlando for the next week....alone. We are going to have quality time before the new school year begins. Hopefully that will also help erase the memories of ugly grandma!
-
I do know that he kicked his family out of our home the evening that I left.
Well that's a good thing. He finally stepped up. I mean, it's up to you, but maybe you shouldn't give him the ultimatum and then not give him the opportunity to take action. But, I see that as a god thing at least. Good luck!
-
Glad you got some advice and kudos to you guys who were able to read the post because it made my eyes hurt just looking at it. Paragraphs and spacing would be very helpful.
-
KUDOS! There are a million epithets that can be thrown at you, but you've probably heard them enough already. Just remember you have to wake up with yourself everyday regardless of anyone else. How you see yourself when you wake up is what will get you through the day and eventually through every situation. Dig deep & stay strong to your beliefs. Bad situation and I feel for you all!
-
The MIL broke every picture of me in the home and even some of our child, then proceeded to break my great grandmothers china set piece by piece.
:o !
my goodness, someone needs to leave
an anger management book on her doorstep.
you're great grandmother's china? REALLY?
i just can't even fathom... i am so sorry.
that would tear me up.
mama isn't gonna make the other side of the bed
warm for him. he knows what the right choice is,
and if he doesn't make it soon, i'd be surprised.
on the down the road he's gonna be kicking himself.
like you said, you're the first woman to have ever put
up with her crap... the first and only. that's for sure.
good luck to you. keep us informed! i'm nosey :P
-
This is completely insane! Your hubby needs to disown them. You can't pick your family-he needs to understand that. She sounds like she's a nut job and should probably be put in some sort of institution for anger management at least-if not some other mental condition. If I were you, I would certainly go after her for the cost of the items she destroyed. If your husband doesn't realize what's going on by now, you need to leave him-what if she comes after you or your child next??? With people like this, it's not completely out of the question!
-
I am soooooo glad that you have brought this topic up. I have currently had a falling out with my monster-in-law. It had nothing to do with my husband, but he now current ex-husband. She accused me of taking information to him about the lies she had told him about the divorce. I barely speak to the man, let alone tell him anything that she has made up, which she is really good at. She has a perscription drug problem and you cannot discuss any topic in a general manner. She finally pissed me off for the last time and have just completely ignored her. She has came to my house and just welcomed herself in 3 different times since I told her to stay away from me. The first time she came into my home I was showerin and my 4 year old was watching TV in the living room. She came into the bathroom and began trying to dicuss with me what I was so upset about, of course in a sarcastic tone, which was not going to work with me. I did not say a word. She even made the comment and ask if my lips were sewn up. I REFUSE to argue with her and that is all she wants is an arguement. After so long of her yelling, she OPENED UP THE SHOWER DOOR while I m still showering. I still refused to speak. A lot of my friends said that they would have absolutely beat the you know what out of her if it were them. Anyway, when she saw that she was not going to get a reaction out of me she left the bathroom, and then finally left the house after I got out of the shower. A couple of weekends ago, when had gone to a local store to get bolts to finish my sons swing set and we came back to find in our house again. I did not want to speak to her and I don't have anything to say to her. When she came outside to confront me again, I told that I had nothing to say to her and I wanted her to get her *bleep* off my mountain. A few words were said and I went into the house and locked the doors. My husband argued with her for about 30-45 minutes after I came in the house and she finally left, and so far hasn't come back. I don't have to put up with arguing and I am not going to and you don't either. If I were in your shoes I would just cut all ties to the family. You married your husband not his family, at least that is the way that I feel about it. The less aggervation that I have the better off I am. :BangHead: >:(
-
Clearly this woman has issues far beyond not caring for you as a daughter in law. Many times it takes a trauma or a rude awakening to get through to someone that they really need professional help. Perhaps this incident and the fact that she will be facing legal charges pressed against her will do just that. Many times things have to get worse before they get better. Hopefully this is the worst that it will be before things get better. Good luck
-
We got to Orlando and are having a blast! Looks like the weather may interfere a bit, but I am not backing down....even if that means doing all indoor activities lol. We are going to go have a nice dinner now then go see G-Force. Hopefully we are Magic Kingdom bound tomorrow and Thursday and then to Universal Studios Friday. If we have the energy we are going to Sea World Saturday. I found out a warrant was issued for the MIL....HAHA!!! We will be enjoying ourselves while she rots in jail because they do not have the money to bail her out and I have fixed our accounts so that hubby cant take money out without my knowledge. If she doesn't learn from this, she just isn't teachable lol. I want a copy of her mug shot to post all over the web!! :thumbsup:
-
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Has your spouse agreed to counseling - if he doesn't I wouldn't take him back. What a role model for your child.
-
There's a book called "The Golden Bough" that examines primitive supertitions and magical rites in some great depth.
Within those pages is a description of several ancient cultures who believed it to be the highest taboo for a man or wife to even SEE their in-laws, much less live in a house with them.
I can definitely say that this was one of the wisest superstitions to ever come down the pipe. I just can't deal with them people. :BangHead:
-
Wow - Souds like a reality TV show.
-
I wish it were a reality tv show....at least I could delete it from my DVR lol.
Well, the pompous jerk still has not admited that it has been horrible for me nor has he grown a backbone and told his mother that type of behavior was unacceptable. I am finished. I made him pack up his things and leave the house until a court orders otherwise.All the locks were changed and a restraining order has been put on the MIL. I did not think I married a coward, but after all of these years it is apparent that I have. I REFUSE to endure anymore insults or abuse from this "woman." If that means leaving the love of my life behind, then so be it. I would be better off single than living a life of misery. I want my child to know that this type of behavior is not normal, so that they have a happy healthy married life when the time comes.
Disney was okay, it was more of a tourist trap than we remembered. We really had a great time though. We are glad to be back "home" and school started again Tuesday. It has been hectic, but I am sure anyone with a 9 year old can understand that lol.
I am also changing careers, so I guess you could say I am having a type of mid life crisis lol. I feel more free today than I have in a long time. I am really thankful for all of your thoughts, advice, and concerns. I am also thankful I have a pastor in the area whom I can speak freely with and get honest advice and guidance. I just wish that I had not allowed myself to be in this predicament for such a long time, but as they say hindsight is 20/20.
-
I am so sorry to hear you are having this problem. My husband is diabetic also and has had his sugar levels drop on him like that too many times to count. My in-laws were the same with me. They thought I married him because he was in the military and so he could take care of me. I got the same type of treatment, not as bad as you are getting though. Anything they would say was to him and not to me. After taking it for a while I got tired of it and I told him I loved him but I was not going to continue taking what they were dishing out and he could either set them straight or changes would be made. He finally got some backbone when he thought I would walk out on him. I knew he loved me and wanted to work this out rather than to separate. He didn't want a divorce and neither did I. He finally told them they were making both of us miserable and they could accept the fact that our marriage was more important to him. He told them that if they could not accept the marriage then he would stay away. The Air Force sent him to Korea for a year, when he came back, his Dad said that if we survived that then we could survive anything. His step-mother, on the other hand still did not accept the fact we were still together. While we were visiting with them, I talked to his Dad and told him that I did not know what I had done to cause her to feel the way she did. He said he would talk to her about it. It did not do much good. While we were there, he had a blackout when his sugar dropped. They did not know what to do for him. She tried to get me to leave and said she would take care of him. I told her that I would be the one to see about him and if she didn't approve she could leave the room. I got him to come around and got him started on taking in fluids and then put sugar inside the jaw beneath his teeth. She had called the paramedics in the meantime. By the time they got there, he had started coming around. The parmedics told her that as low as his sugar (18) was that he was lucky he did not go into a coma. His Dad stepped in and told her if it had not been for the fact that I moved insted of thinking about what to that he could have lost his son. After that incident, she settled down some but still made her remarks. I finally cornered her in the kitchen and told her I didn't understand her attitude or why she treated me the way she did. She stated I had taken one of her boys away from them and I wasn't good enough for him. I told her that if he wanted out that he was old enough to make that decision but that she wouldn't be making the decision for either of us. Hubby let her stew for a while and she finally called and said she wanted to talk. I told her I was willing to meet her halfway but I would not take any more of her meddling. We talked for a while but we probably would not be making any trips for him to go home for a while until things were better. I told her we have 3 boys and I did not take any crap from them and I would not take it from her. She finally came around and started acting a lot better. When we finally went back, she acted like none of that had ever happened. We have been married to date for 28 years. If he stands up to your MIL, things may get better but he has to let her know that she can't meddle and continue to run his life or yours. If he lets her know that if her attitude doesn't change that he will make a break from her then, she may start making some changes that will result in a more positve change for both of you. By the way, my in-laws are in Tenn and we are in Ga. When he retired he stayed instead of moving back to Tenn. His choice not mine. Hopefully things will get better for both of you. Good luck and best wishes to both of you.
-
Your husband needs to grow up and let go of mommy. He needs to defend your honor
-
Sometimes people just don't know how to deal with their parents because things have always been that way in their family. It is good that your husband albeit late showed that he has some limits. Your husband and you should go to a good counselor and discuss your boundaries. And it may not be that your husband has no respect for you concerning his mother, he apparently does not like confrontation.
There also seems to be some drinking problems that need to be addressed. That always complicates things. Also I wouldn't be surprised if Mommy has managed to drive off other women that he may have some real insecurities there. Don't give him an ultimatum if you can't honestly give him another chance. Its hard but remember your husband is responsible for his actions not for his mothers. You have to be honest and let him know what you expect him to do in these circumstances...most men blow it with us because they don't know how we want them to handle things. If you love him give him another chance. Best with a counselor because there is a lot of water under the bridge. Good luck.
-
I have had similar problems with my hubby of 5 yrs but with his brother. I don't care what race or age they are ALL MEN ARE THE SAME WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR FAMILIES! I have had some pretty heated arguments with my hubby and some ultimatums! They haven't all worked out EXACTLY the way I planned it but.... some way or another they have worked
I am sorry to read that you have split hopefully for your sons sake he will rethink what he is doing. My argument was "You decided to marry me and we both have to make changes for this to work. If you want out then you can go if you don't want to go then you will have to learn to respect me, support me and communicate with me or I will give you hell right back and the same goes for me towards you! Happy Wife Happy Life. If I have to feel pain and disrespect from your family then you're going to get it from me to you!"
My hubby didn't like that aragement and at first it seemed silly like I was a 3yr old but so far so good. Don't get me wrong some times he calls me out on things too and I have to change as well ( that sucks) but it has helped our marriage.
Good luck I hope things will turn out for the better. My advice is he can only come back to you if...
1) visits from the MIL are pre-scheduled
2) you will not be present (so she can see her grandchild)
3) not in your home (she can't respect your home then she's not welcome) they have to meet in a public place
4) and if at any time you are disrespected again then you will not allow your child to be a part of that nonsense and she gets not visits PERIOD
If he can't follow the rules or you guys come up with a different set of rules then all bets are OFF!
NO IF AND OR BUTS DON"T BUDGE!!!!!!
-
Sometimes you just can't understand why people can't get along with eachother as you yourself have done in your life for years. I'm a black woman, and I am adopted, my husband is white so as you can see, its been a long road to happiness, but we are happy.
A lot of jealousy flew around our families at first, my mom did'nt like me calling my mother-inlaw "mom", my brother was very jealous of me, because I broke away from the family and moved in with my husband, ect. He wrote " I hope you're happy with your Whiteboy in Austin, don't ever talk to me again!" My husband's parents didn't understand why I didn't always have dinner ready everyday for their son when he returned home, or why I had such an "unatural attachment" to my Truck ( It was a "promotion" present from my husband, which his parent's ended up making me give it up after the baby was born. They bought us a new car without telling us, and within 2 days, I had to get my truck reposessed, and I cried!!!!! Never thought we would see it go...) They claimed that it was unsafe for the baby, which of course was not true at all...... but their values in their lives dictate that "you need a family vehicle!!!!!", which is crap! I don't think that way at all!!!!
It's human nature to be jealous, but if it continues, it starts turning into an ugly selfishness, that spirals out of control. The question is do you and your husband have your heads on straight???? Do both of you see eye to eye about the situation?? Have you both realized that the two of you love eachother, reguardless of your families "wins" or "losses" with eachother, and no matter what comes, you can both look at eachother and get your senses back together again at the end of the day?
Believe me, what I wrote above wasn't even the half of my story. I could write a book about my life, but at the end of the day, I go to Our home,
I take care of MY husband, and Our child, and we don't have to answer to ANYONE about it, not even our families. Fights in families will come and go, and they will always be there for you, just don't let them manipulate to get their way. Realize that what you have created, aside from your families (your own family) is the most important thing of all, because YOU created it, and be proud of that. Don't let anyone tear that down.
It really sucks, but sometimes you have to remind those parents (even if they don't want to hear it) that there is a gigantic generation gap between yours and their sensibilities about life, and because of that, you will always dissagree (or you can remind yourself that they are ancient in their ways and have no business telling you how to ise your child, where to live, when to visit, and you and your husband can laugh histerically under your breath, and walk away)
As long as you know what you got when you come home everyday, and you love it, outside factors shouldn't matter at all.
P.S. I STILL miss my truck, its just one of those things that you never thought you would own in your life, and now its gone!! Dodge Ram 1500 5.7litre Hemi engine..... :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2: :crybaby2:
I Will have another Dodge Ram again someday.... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!(Evil, forboding laugh here!!!)
:heart: :peace:& chicken grease!
-
No Offense but she sounds like she just doesn't like you