Topics

1126

Off-Topic / Tuesdays chuckle :)

« on: September 20, 2011, 04:25:12 am »Message ID: 419737

An  85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,  'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The  next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor  asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I  tried with my right hand, but nothing.. Then I tried
with my  left hand, but  still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left,  still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then  with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'


The  old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open.'.
 

1127

Off-Topic / Thought of the day!!

« on: September 20, 2011, 04:12:32 am »Message ID: 419735

"Success is creating something original and lasting - whether it is a company, a work of art, an idea or analysis that influences others, or a happy and productive family."

 

1128

Off-Topic / Thought of the day!!

« on: September 19, 2011, 05:51:33 am »Message ID: 419207

"Life's only limitations are those you set upon yourself, for as long as you strive hard enough anything is achievable." 

 

1129

Off-Topic / Mondays chuckle

« on: September 19, 2011, 04:43:34 am »Message ID: 419196

A crusty old  biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in  the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he  passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER:  $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH :  $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he  has the necessary payment, the ole' biker  walks up to the bar  and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is  serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She  glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she  inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole  biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,  "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his  eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure  am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers  softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a  cheeseburger
 

 

 

1130

Off-Topic / Todays chuckle

« on: September 18, 2011, 04:01:55 pm »Message ID: 419039

Elder Golf
 
 
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking sad. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."
 

1131

Off-Topic / The Sneez!!

« on: September 17, 2011, 02:13:29 am »Message ID: 418353

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two  students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With  their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the traditional caps,  they looked almost .. as grown up as they felt.  Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and  Moms freely brushed away tears.  This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent  court ruling prohibiting it.  The principal and several students were  careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling.  They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one  mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on  the graduates or their families.  The speeches were nice, but they were  routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation.  A solitary student walked proudly to the  microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and  then, it happened.  All 92 students, every single one of them,  suddenly SNEEZED!!!!  The student on stage.. simply looked at the  audience and said,  'GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of  you!' And he walked off stage...  The audience exploded into applause. This  graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's  blessing on their future with or without the court's  approval.  Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on>  to all your friends.........and  GOD BLESS YOU!!!!  This is a true story; it happened at the  University of Maryland .

1132

Off-Topic / A laugh for today!!

« on: September 15, 2011, 08:48:17 am »Message ID: 417560

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the

activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she

needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the

right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and

stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the

family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed

her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....

'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the

nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart'.

.

1133

Off-Topic / Have you ever been on cloud 9 only to crash really hard

« on: September 14, 2011, 02:43:32 pm »Message ID: 417304

On Sept 12th I got a phone call telling me my son and his wife was pregnant, on Sept 13th I was called and was told they lost the baby ....I know they say things happen for a reason, I sure would love to know the reason 

1134

Off-Topic / PONDERISM

« on: September 12, 2011, 06:04:24 am »Message ID: 416042

 

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

 

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

 

13 · If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

 

15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

 

1135

Off-Topic / How does one shut down their feelings

« on: September 12, 2011, 05:25:02 am »Message ID: 416030

If you really love or care for someone and they did you wrong, but you still love and care for them, how does one shut down feelings for that person  ...I dont get how someone can do that especially if you still love or care for them...can anyone explaine this please 

1136

Off-Topic / Do you take Prilosec?

« on: September 11, 2011, 06:54:44 am »Message ID: 415557

I have been for years now. is anyone affraid of or heard about taking prilosec and having a bad reaction/side effects  ....Thanks

1137

Off-Topic / Do you take melatonin?

« on: September 10, 2011, 05:49:45 am »Message ID: 415030

I sometimes have a hard time going to sleep and I heard this was good, "all natural" has anyone taken this to help sleep?

1138

Off-Topic / Banners

« on: September 10, 2011, 03:08:57 am »Message ID: 415002

How can I get a banner put on like others have saying how much they made?..is there a video on that too 

1139

Off-Topic / Why would a guy let his finger nails grow long?

« on: September 07, 2011, 04:45:35 am »Message ID: 413502

I was shopping the other day and this guy in front of me had long finger nails, I was just wondering why a guy would let his nails grow so long 

1140

Off-Topic / Do you leave the water running?

« on: September 03, 2011, 03:30:05 am »Message ID: 411319

when your doing dishes, do you leave the water running? something else that makes me BONKERS  .....I dont have a dish washer!!....hmmm sorry if I already made a topic of this one.