The number one thing a man wants from his spouse is respect. If his spouse respects him, he will move mountains to make his spouse happy. In this case, you are intending to start a new, independent family unit with him. In the end, whatever happens is up to you and him - not either of your parents. Your parents can be consulted for their wisdom/experience, but ultimately it will be you two making the final decision.
What you are doing at the moment, is associating with someone who is severely disrespecting him. By telling you it's your mom or him is his way of telling you he's not getting the respect he needs from you.
If your mom is bad mouthing him, you need to tell your mom that you've made your choice, and she is no longer welcome when she bad mouths him. Then if she does bad mouth him, either kick her out of your house, or leave hers until she respects your wishes. She may disagree with your decision, but you don't have to let her bad mouth him in your presence. By taking this stand, you will set boundaries with your mother, and show your fiance you respect his wishes and are siding with him.
By holding on to your desire to associate with your mother when she bad mouths your fiance, you are choosing her over him in his eyes - which is a major slap in the face. How is he supposed to feel when this situation you've abandoned him?
Try thinking about your reactions to his requests/ultimatums from the point of view of his perception of respect you are showing him. You may be surprised how many things women do that cut away the perceived respect toward their fiances/husbands which ultimately create a hostile home environment.
A example my sister recently told me which demonstrates this is a woman complaining about how her husband never fixes things around the house, yet always goes over to fix things for an elderly neighbor lady. Why is that? When he goes to the neighbor lady, she showers him with appreciation, telling him how he's her hero for fixing this and that - saving her money calling a professional. How he's a sweet boy for helping her. She offers him snacks. Then he goes home. The "welcome" he gets from his wife is "Where were you?...Were you over at HER house again?...The back door is still not fixed here! But you have time to fix HER stuff?..."
Based on the above - which "house" would the man feel more like being at? In my mind it's a no brainer. What if the wife responded more with praise on how he's such a good man for helping the neighbor out and ask if he's hungry, if he needs something? Don't mention anything about the "door" that needs fixing. Make him feel even better. Eventually, the husband will notice the wife struggling with the broken door and will fix it - which then she should thank him for fixing it (where most women get mad saying that "it took him long enough..." - which is a back handed disrespectful comment).
Take a hard look at how you react to your fiance and his requests/demands. Perhaps your reactions over the years have contributed to creating this situation. If you find yourself reacting in a manner he is perceiving as disrespectful - you need to start mending things with you. You have to change your attitude and reactions to his requests. If you start creating a consistent, positive, safe environment for him, in time, he will feel you really have his back and will be more responsive to your needs. It sounds like it's taken years to reach this point, so don't expect his attitude to change in a few weeks. You may need to keep at this for months/years. If that's the case, you'll need to decide if you want to make that kind of commitment to him and stick to it.
Community Forum
Topic: My fiance basically says it's either my Mom or him (Read 4975 times)
January 10, 2011, 10:04:01 am
