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Discussion Boards => Off-Topic => Topic started by: jcribb16 on November 27, 2012, 07:06:47 pm
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"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."
~ William Arthur Ward ~
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
~ W. C. Fields ~
"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
~ Laurence J. Peter ~
"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."
~ Ronald Reagan ~
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
~ Casey Stengel ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wright ~
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
~ Casey Stengel ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wright ~
LOL!! I had a teacher in elementary school that once said that exact same thing about getting in line according to your height. Well, that didn't work out for me, I was at the end of the line. I only liked the teachers that said get in a line according to the first letter of your last name, which my last name started with an 'A', so I was always first. If something was embarrassing or bad, like having to speak in front of the class, I was always first. I used to hate it, but now I remember back and look at it like I was lucky most of the time! Haha!! Love the quotes! Helped brightened my mood!! Have a wonderful evening!!
:peace: ~workmama~ :wave:
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
~ Casey Stengel ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wright ~
LOL!! I had a teacher in elementary school that once said that exact same thing about getting in line according to your height. Well, that didn't work out for me, I was at the end of the line. I only liked the teachers that said get in a line according to the first letter of your last name, which my last name started with an 'A', so I was always first. If something was embarrassing or bad, like having to speak in front of the class, I was always first. I used to hate it, but now I remember back and look at it like I was lucky most of the time! Haha!! Love the quotes! Helped brightened my mood!! Have a wonderful evening!!
:peace: ~workmama~ :wave:
As a chorus teacher, I always had to line them up for pictures, according to height, lol. Trying to line each section according to height wasn't always easy, either. As a regular teacher, alphabetical was the thing. I remember a couple of times I threw them off by telling them to line up in alphabetical order, but reversed. That way, the first could be last for once, lol.
I'm glad you like them - they help me, too! It's always good to see you! I like your new picture, too! :)
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"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."
~ David Lee Roth ~
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
~ Luis Bunuel ~
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
~ Casey Stengel ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wright ~
LOL!! I had a teacher in elementary school that once said that exact same thing about getting in line according to your height. Well, that didn't work out for me, I was at the end of the line. I only liked the teachers that said get in a line according to the first letter of your last name, which my last name started with an 'A', so I was always first. If something was embarrassing or bad, like having to speak in front of the class, I was always first. I used to hate it, but now I remember back and look at it like I was lucky most of the time! Haha!! Love the quotes! Helped brightened my mood!! Have a wonderful evening!!
:peace: ~workmama~ :wave:
As a chorus teacher, I always had to line them up for pictures, according to height, lol. Trying to line each section according to height wasn't always easy, either. As a regular teacher, alphabetical was the thing. I remember a couple of times I threw them off by telling them to line up in alphabetical order, but reversed. That way, the first could be last for once, lol.
I'm glad you like them - they help me, too! It's always good to see you! I like your new picture, too! :)
Thank You!! My hair has extensions in it. lol
Anyways, it is always nice to see you too! Your new quotes made me laugh also! ;D
:peace: ~workmama~ :wave:
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Oh quotes.
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"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~ James Thurber ~
"Never put a sock in a toaster."
~ Eddie Izzard ~
"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
~ Henny Youngman ~
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
~ Jack Benny ~
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I have always been afraid of clowns. I'm not sure why. Maybe because when I was a kid, a clown killed my father.
Jack Handey
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
~ Jerry Seinfeld ~
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
~ Steven Wright ~
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"They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer."
~ Milton Berle ~
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
~ Jim Davis ~
"Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste."
~ Unknown ~
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"The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere."
~ Jimmy Fallon ~
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
~ Robin Williams ~
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Thank you for the good laughs. Great way to start a mid-week morning.
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
~ Jerry Seinfeld ~
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
~ Steven Wright ~
These quotes made me laugh. I love to laugh :) Thanks the day brighteners!
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"If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer."
~ Rob Corddry ~
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
~ Woody Allen ~
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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Thank you for the good laughs. Great way to start a mid-week morning.
You're welcome! Have a great week! :)
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
~ Jerry Seinfeld ~
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
~ Steven Wright ~
These quotes made me laugh. I love to laugh :) Thanks the day brighteners!
You are welcome - I enjoy them, too! Have a great week! :)
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I heard this one online, "Don't hit me in the face. When I hit you in the face you tell me who you feel so I can write that down on my clipboard. Second point, no touching my clip board." lol
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"Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see." - Anonymous -
"Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house."
- Anonymous -
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman -
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Those are cute.
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"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
~ Jay Leno ~
"Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out."
~ Joe Garagiola ~
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion."
He said, "Alright.... you're ugly too!" "
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
~ Mark Twain ~
"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
~ Will Rogers ~
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
~ Paula Poundstone ~
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"The two best times to fish is when it's rainin' and when it ain't."
** Patrick F. McManus **
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
** Fred Allen **
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
** Robert Frost **
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"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
~ Laurence J. Peter ~
Ha...I like that one! True.
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"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
~ Elbert Hubbard ~
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
~ Jerry Seinfeld ~
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
~ Phyllis Diller ~
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"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
~ Phyllis Diller ~
"God heals, and the doctor takes the fees."
~ Benjamin Franklin ~
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"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
~ Dolly Parton ~
"Never put a sock in a toaster."
~ Eddie Izzard ~
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
~ Spike Milligan ~
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"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
~ Lily Tomlin ~
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
~ Elayne Boosler ~
"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."
~ Mitch Hedberg ~
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Some of the older comedians are much better than some comedians now. So many of the newer ones rely on garbage to be funny, and it's really not funny.
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I just wanted to add that this is a great collection of funny quotes.
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Some of the older comedians are much better than some comedians now. So many of the newer ones rely on garbage to be funny, and it's really not funny.
I agree wholeheartedly. Many today who start out pretty good also seem to think it's funny to add the curse words and sexual innuendos (maybe that's what you meant by "garbage," and I agree, it's really not funny.) Even Jeff Dunham - we have always enjoyed him with his puppets, but there's couple of the puppets, now, that you know the garbage is coming.
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I just wanted to add that this is a great collection of funny quotes.
Thanks! It's neat seeing the different type funny and humorous quotes being posted!
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"I wish I even vaguely resembled my 5 best Facebook photos."
~ Alec Sulkin ~
"If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say, "Sorry, Mom," but nobody beats me."
~ Leo Durocher ~
"When I was a small boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing, and as we sat there in the warmth of a summer afternoon on a riverbank, we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major-league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish."
~ Dwight David Eisenhower (President of the USA 1953-1961) ~
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wow...never heard of any of those quotes..!! thanks for sharing! I will pass them along at work!! :thumbsup:
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
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"I reject your reality, and substitute my own."
~Adam Savage~
"You are ugly on the inside too."
~A weird fortune cookie~
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"Never wear anything that panics the cat."
~P. J. O'Rourke~
"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."
~Rodney Dangerfield~
"I was a dog in a past life. Really. I'll be walking down the street and dogs will do a sort of double take. Like, Hey, I know him."
~William H. Macy~
"I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days."
~Bill Dana~
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"He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed."
- Robert Gronock -
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
- Mork, Mork and Mindy -
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
- W. C. Fields -
"It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people."
- Dolph Sharp -
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"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
~Buddy Hackett~
"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."
~Red Skelton~
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
~Bernard Manning~
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"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
---Ben Bergor---
"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
---Leo Duracher---
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
---Franklin Jones---
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I love them. Thank you for sharing.
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I once had a college professor who was humorous, in my book. When we [students] would ask him how long should our papers be when he asked us to write papers for his class. He would respond, " Well, I will tell you what I tell my daughter when she asks, "Daddy, how long should my dresses be?" He would add, " Make sure that the length is short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the subject." Then, he would say, " Therefore, your paper should be short enough to be interesting and long enough to cover the subject." That was not funny then, but it makes me smile today every time I think about what he said.
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I once had a college professor who was humorous, in my book. When we [students] would ask him how long should our papers be when he asked us to write papers for his class. He would respond, " Well, I will tell you what I tell my daughter when she asks, "Daddy, how long should my dresses be?" He would add, " Make sure that the length is short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the subject." Then, he would say, " Therefore, your paper should be short enough to be interesting and long enough to cover the subject." That was not funny then, but it makes me smile today every time I think about what he said.
That's an interesting way to look at it! :)
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"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."
~Author Unknown~
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
~Jack Handey~
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I love this.
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These quotes are great- I need to read things like this every day to get my day off the right way :D
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"Kittens are wide-eyed, soft and sweet. With needles in their jaws and feet."
~Pam Brown~
"I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days."
~Bill Dana~
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."
~Abraham Lincoln~
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“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
- Brian Gerald O’Driscoll -
“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”
- Unknown -
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
- Bill McGlashen -
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“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
- Brian Gerald O’Driscoll -
“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”
- Unknown -
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
- Bill McGlashen -
I like the second quote you posted here. Funny one and I know that for a fact! Haha! :P
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“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
- Brian Gerald O’Driscoll -
“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”
- Unknown -
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
- Bill McGlashen -
I like the second quote you posted here. Funny one and I know that for a fact! Haha! :P
Lol! I know what you mean! That happened to me one night and a few days later I came across that quote - it says it perfectly! :)
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“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
~ Douglas Adams ~
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
~ Jerome K. Jerome ~
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
~ Yogi Berra ~
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
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"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
~Bob Hope~
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
~Unknown~
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
~Greg Norman, Golfer~
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"Take my wife, PLEASE!" -- Henny Youngman
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“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”
~ Tommy Cooper ~
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
~ Jack Handey ~
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Never judge a book by its movie. -- J. W. Eagan
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Never judge a book by its movie. -- J. W. Eagan
That's for sure!
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"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me."
~ Anonymous ~
"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it."
~ Sammy - Ottawa ~
"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time."
~ Derek - Arizona ~
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"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."
~George Burns~
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"
~Margaret Smith~
"I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire."
~Roy Orbison~
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“I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.”
- Unknown -
“Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’”
- Unknown -
“The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”
- Unknown -
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I understand some of these quotes to a tee.
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"All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door."
~Unknown~
"I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."
~Jim Loy~
"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."
~Roseanne~
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"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter
"People who believe there is no such thing as a stupid question have never worked retail."- Phx0808
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"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter
"People who believe there is no such thing as a stupid question have never worked retail."- Phx0808
Those are some good ones! :)
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“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"
~Scott Adams
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Thanks so much for the quotes...it has brightened my day and put me in a really good mood! THANKS!!!! :thumbsup:
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Thanks so much for the quotes...it has brightened my day and put me in a really good mood! THANKS!!!! :thumbsup:
:thumbsup:
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“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
~ Mark Twain ~
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.”
~ Ellen DeGeneres ~
“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”
~ Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless ~
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“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
~ A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh ~
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
~ Dave Barry ~
“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
~ Ellen DeGeneres ~
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
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"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.How he got in my pajamas,I don't know."-Groucho Marx
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25 Years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, No Cash and no Hope!-anonymous
;D
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Great ones, everyone! Keep them coming! :)
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"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" - Robin Williams
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“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” - Unknown
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I enjoy humor. Some days, we just need something to pick us up a little bit, put a smile on our face, or make us chuckle. Thanks for helping to add some more humor in here! :)
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
~ Jim Davis ~
"I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug."
~ Anonymous ~
"Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life."
~ Unknown ~
"In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment."
~ Anonymous ~
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I like this
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Number 2
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Sorry
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"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."
~ William Arthur Ward ~
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
~ W. C. Fields ~
"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
~ Laurence J. Peter ~
"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."
~ Ronald Reagan ~
Haha - love these especially the one from Ronald Reagan and Laurence J. Peter!!!
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"It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions."
~Anonymous~
"Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives."
~Unknown~
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~James Thurber~
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i like this thread very funny stuff :thumbsup:
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this is a good on..."It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." Jerry Seinfeld
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this is a good on..."It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." Jerry Seinfeld
That's neat - I don't think I've ever thought of it like that!
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
~Milton Berle
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
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I really enjoyed the humorous and funny quotes there were alot I have never heard but they were great :)
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I really enjoyed the humorous and funny quotes there were alot I have never heard but they were great :)
:thumbsup:
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"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
~Ben Bergor~
"I wrote facebook to protest lack of privacy. They wrote back saying they already knew how I felt about it."
~John Fugelsang~
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
~Oscar Wilde~
I'm enjoying all of the humor everyone is including in here!! Thanks for the smiles! :)
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"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house." - Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." - Bill Cosby
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog." - Unknown
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde
“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” - Axel Rose
”It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.” - Tommy Cooper
"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience" - Mark Twain
And some of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes Quotes
Calvin: Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.
Calvin: The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.
Calvin: "You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood."
Hobbes: "What mood is that?"
Calvin: "Last-minute panic."
Calvin: In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
Test Question 1: When did the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock?
Calvin: "1620. As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations."
Calvin: "If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."
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Love all the quotes, great way to start the day with a chuckle.
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"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job."
~Samuel Goldwyn~
"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
~Rodney Dangerfield~
"Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished."
~Leslie Nielsen~
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
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"I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too."
~ CoolFunnyQuotes.com ~
"If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door."
~ Anonymous ~
"I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning."
~ Anonymous ~
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“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
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“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
Ha ha! That's a good one! :thumbsup:
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"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong."
~ Charles Wadsworth ~
"Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either!"
~ Anonymous ~
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
~ Groucho Marx ~
"I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."
~ Jim Loy ~
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When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.~Anonymous
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"I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? ....If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens."
~ Unknown ~
"I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!"
~ Ash Sweeney quotes ~
"If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it."
~ Unknown ~
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"What I do when I see someone pretty is I stare I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down."
~ Anonymous ~
"I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning."
~ Anonymous ~
"You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong."
~ Anonymous ~
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A blind squirl finds a nut sometimes
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Mark Twain "Don't let school get in the way of your education."
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Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx
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"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."
"Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave."
~ Both by Roseanne ~
"A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired."
~ Unknown ~
-
cleanliness becomes more important when godliness becomes unlikely.
-Daniel Tosh
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these quotes are hilarious! please keep them coming ;D
-
You've got to have a sense of humor to keep your sanity.
Lance Bass
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
~ Casey Stengel ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wright ~
Hahaha! Wow
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i like this one: Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~ James Thurber ~
I seem to hear that story alot. I have had my cell phone for a months now. I get this call and he leaves a message: yo whats going on. I died laughing listening to it. He started talking about rubber tires and such. I also got this one call I dont remember who they asked for I kept getting messages. I decided to have a little fun. They kept texting me. I texted them back one day and said who is this. They texted me back who is this? I said I am your worst nightmare. They texted back I thought freddie krugar was dead. I dont remember what I said after that. They did ap[olgize for bothering me.
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i like this one: Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
~ James Thurber ~
I seem to hear that story alot. I have had my cell phone for a months now. I get this call and he leaves a message: yo whats going on. I died laughing listening to it. He started talking about rubber tires and such. I also got this one call I dont remember who they asked for I kept getting messages. I decided to have a little fun. They kept texting me. I texted them back one day and said who is this. They texted me back who is this? I said I am your worst nightmare. They texted back I thought freddie krugar was dead. I dont remember what I said after that. They did ap[olgize for bothering me.
Ha ha! That's a good one!
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- "You have the right to remain silent; Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you." -
- "A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!" -
- "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks." -
-
My funny quote is...
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
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"Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes."
"Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours."
"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
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"Dean Martin saw a sign once that said "Drink Canada Dry."So he tried to!-Frank Sinatra ;D
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"Dean Martin saw a sign once that said "Drink Canada Dry."So he tried to!-Frank Sinatra ;D
Ha ha ha!! :thumbsup:
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I can handle pain until it hurts."
"No matter where you go, you're there."
"If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane."
(Quoters are not listed with these.)
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
~Fred Allen
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"Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium – my work here is done."
~ Unknown ~
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."
~ Unknown ~
"Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life."
~ Unknown ~
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
-
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Well that's a reality way of looking at it!
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"All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door."
~ Unknown ~
"Human brain is the most outstanding object in world. It functions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It functions right from the time we are born, and stops only when we enter the examination hall."
~ Unknown ~
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I wish people were like money, so you could hold them up to the light to see which ones are real and which ones are fake.
-
Keep the quotes a coming they tend to brighten someones day
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Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each others phones.
-
One of my favorites is:
"Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Dragons for Thou Art Crunchy and Go Good with Ketchup!" ;D
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***** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
[1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
This was my contribution to humor on the Forum today. ;D
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"We just witnessed a classic example of what I call miss directed rage, I believe the technical term is being an a*s."
-Shoma Shigure (Fruits Basket)
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman ~
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
~ Groucho Marx ~
"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
~ Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh ~
I hope everyone has had a great week! Enjoy your weekend! :)
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/george_carlin.html#DvlXLQD0eEtMYy0M.99
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These always tend to help my day. Thank you.
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!- Unknown :D
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The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. ....George Carlin
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"I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."
~ Jim Loy ~
"Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?"
~ Unknown ~
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
~ Charles Lamb ~
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101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
The man who once said “life is worth losing” is dead. But his quotes live on. In no particular order here are his 101 best…
1.I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic *bleep* hatreds!
2.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3.Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4.A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5.Have you ever noticed that their stuff is *bleep* and your *bleep* is stuff?
6.I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that *bleep* out by myself in the third grade.
7.I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8.You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9.If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10.Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11.If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12.No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13.There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep* and *bleep*.
14.The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15.The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16.Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17.Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18.Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19.If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20.If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21.You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22.Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23.Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a *bleep* from Guatemala.”
24.As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25.If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26.The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27.I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28.I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29.If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30.You can *bleep* your finger — just don’t finger your *bleep*.
31.By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32.Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33.Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34.I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35.I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36.When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37.Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38.I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39.I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40.I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41.Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to *bleep* in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42.So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the *bleep*. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43.Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44.Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45.I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46.Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47.Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48.God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49.I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50.One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51.If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52.What year did Jesus think it was?
53.George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54.Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55.In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56.Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57.“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58.No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59.Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60.The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61.The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62.The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63.The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64.Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65.The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66.I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67.Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68.“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69.Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70.And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “*bleep* waffles.”
71.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72.Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the *bleep*.
73.Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74.Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75.I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76.Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77.The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78.If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79.“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80.Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81.Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82.“No comment” is a comment.
83.If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84.You can’t argue with a good *bleep*.
85.Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86.So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87.Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to *bleep*.
88.Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89.When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90.The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91.I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92.If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93.Hooray for most things!
94.Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95.I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98.Life is a zero sum game.
99.Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100.I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101.It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
-
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
The man who once said “life is worth losing” is dead. But his quotes live on. In no particular order here are his 101 best…
1.I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic *bleep* hatreds!
2.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3.Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4.A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5.Have you ever noticed that their stuff is *bleep* and your *bleep* is stuff?
6.I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that *bleep* out by myself in the third grade.
7.I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8.You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9.If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10.Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11.If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12.No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13.There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep*, *bleep* and *bleep*.
14.The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15.The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16.Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17.Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18.Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19.If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20.If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21.You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22.Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23.Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a *bleep* from Guatemala.”
24.As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25.If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26.The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27.I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28.I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29.If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30.You can *bleep* your finger — just don’t finger your *bleep*.
31.By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32.Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33.Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34.I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35.I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36.When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37.Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38.I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39.I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40.I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41.Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to *bleep* in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42.So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the *bleep*. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43.Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44.Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45.I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46.Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47.Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48.God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49.I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50.One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51.If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52.What year did Jesus think it was?
53.George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54.Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55.In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56.Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57.“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58.No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59.Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60.The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61.The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62.The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63.The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64.Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65.The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66.I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67.Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68.“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69.Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70.And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “*bleep* waffles.”
71.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72.Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the *bleep*.
73.Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74.Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75.I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76.Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77.The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78.If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79.“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80.Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81.Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82.“No comment” is a comment.
83.If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84.You can’t argue with a good *bleep*.
85.Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86.So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87.Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to *bleep*.
88.Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89.When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90.The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91.I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92.If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93.Hooray for most things!
94.Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95.I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97.May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98.Life is a zero sum game.
99.Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100.I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101.It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
Wow! He was definitely a man who could see humor in just about everything!
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"I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug."
~ Unknown ~
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
~ Jim Davis ~
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I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts making explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Why you gotta play me like that?
-
"Trains stop at train stations; Buses stop at bus stations; On my desk is a workstation."
~ Anonymous ~
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
~ Wendell Johnson ~
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"Don’t count your checks before they’re cashed."
~ Anonymous ~
"Death is hereditary."
~ Unknown ~
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
~ Gandhi ~
"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."
~ Robert Frost ~
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Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
-
"You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you."
~~ Jay Leno ~~
"Keep smiling , it makes people wonder what you’re up to."
~~ Unknown ~~
"Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!"
~~ Unknown ~~
-
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
-
Here's a good laugh....
"You can agree with me, or you can be wrong"
Love it!!!!
-
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
That's a great one, lol! :)
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"Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend."
~ Corey Ford ~
"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done."
~ Sam Ewing ~
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I love all these humorous posts, they make my day.
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Maybe not quotes, but couldn't resist:
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These are hilarious. Thank you so much for your contributions. I needed the laugh.
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Do or do not, there is no try. – Yoda
-
A good laugh helps the soul be happy :)
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
good one.
I also like George Carlin's ."It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."
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"Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take."
~ Josh Billings ~
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
~ Henny Youngman ~
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Yeah everyone needs a good laugh thank you.
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
good one.
I also like George Carlin's ."It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory."
Ha ha! Me, too! :)
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"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target."
~ Ashleigh Brilliant ~
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
~ Bill Cosby ~
I hope everyone is having a great start to the new week! :)
-
We all have that one as friend who always give the best relationship advice but is still single.
-
"Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life."
~ Unknown ~
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
~ George Carlin ~
"In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment."
~ Unknown ~
-
Thank you all for the good laughs :wave:
-
"Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!"
~ Unknown ~
"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done."
~ Sam Ewing ~
"We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time."
~ Vince Lombardi ~
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"I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
~ Unknown ~
"It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions."
~ Anonymous ~
"There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened."
~ Unknown ~
I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! Remember to take time to pamper yourself with something you enjoy, no matter how small it is!!! :)
-
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault
-
"An original idea? That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them."
~~ Stephen Fry ~~
"Why go to college? There’s Google."
~~ Unknown ~~
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~~ Henry Youngman ~~
Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday! Have a great new week, too! :)
-
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring
-
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring
good one :thumbsup:
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I'm not short, I'm FUN SIZE!!!
-
Teacher: "Johnny, I swear at times it seems you don't have sense enough to come in out of the rain!"
Johnny: "Yes I do! I've done it a couple of times!"
-
Benefits of dating me: you'll be dating me I could go on but I think I've made my point
-
"Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
~ John Lennon ~
"I have finally been diagnosed…!!! I have a serious condition known as “Awesomeness” but don’t worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!" ~ ~ Unknown ~
I'm enjoying reading everyone's humor! Thank you for taking the time to keep adding more! :)
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
~ Casey Stengel ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wright ~
HAHAHAH!!! Those are great! Never heard them before! :thumbsup:
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"Take my wife... PLEASE!" --Some old comedian who's name I forgot and am too lazy to Google!
-
okay, that third quote is confusing, but good!!
love the last one!!
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'Take My Wife, please' would be Henny Youngman, master of the one-liners... :)
-
Dear last line of dirt on floor,
Why wont you cooperate?!
Sincerely, Dust Pan..
-
Dear last line of dirt on floor,
Why wont you cooperate?!
Sincerely, Dust Pan..
Ha ha!!!! Good one! :)
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" I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!" ;D
My friend Melissa :)
-
Perhaps a little morbid, but I've always loved...
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." - Van Wilder 8)
-
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
~ Robin Williams ~
Yeah, I never understood that expression.
Here are mine:
"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, the Devil's Dictionary
"When you're one step ahead of the crowd you're a genius. When you're two steps ahead, you're a crackpot." -- Rabbi Shlomo Riskin
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
-
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-
”A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
- Lana Turner
-
"In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment."
~ Unknown ~
"There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened."
~ Unknown ~
"Teacher ends the class early with “okay that’s enough for today; I need to update my face-book status."
~ Unknown ~
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
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"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
~ Groucho Marx ~
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths."
~ Steven Wrigh ~
-
I'm nobody
Nobody is perfect
I'm perfect :bootyshake:
-
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
-
"By the time we’re ready to admit we’ve reached middle age, we’re beyond it."
~ Unknown ~
"Why go to college? There’s Google."
~ Unknown ~
-
Those are good!
-
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
-
I don't know about you, but I am so looking forward to the cooler fall weather! :)
-
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
-Steve Martin
-
We were eating some potato chips tonight and discussed the way the bag seems full, until you open it and the air whooshes out, only to see that the bag is not full at all. Then I just happened to see this little humor comment and just had to share! :)
"All my life I thought air was free…… until I bought a bag of chips."
~ Unknown ~
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
-
"Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie."
~ David Mamet ~
"I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs."
~ Comedian Bonnie McFarlane ~
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
~ Fred Allen ~
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
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Ha ha! There are some funny ones here.... of course I can't think of a single thing funny at the moment....
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
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I would say all of these quotes are fabulous!!
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Yeah thanks for the laughs.
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
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I have always liked this quote but I am not sure who said it...“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?" ;D
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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"I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific." ;D
This is one of my favs. I think it came from Lily Tomlin.
:fish:
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“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well".
~ Mark Twain ~
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
~ Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt ~
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
~ Paul Terry ~
I really enjoy reading the humorous and funny quotes and jokes in here! It's always nice to feel that smile coming. :)
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
Love that guy! So sad he's no longer with us...
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Shut-up shutting-up. WB cartoon
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Thanks for starting this post. It was very entertaining to read every ones quotes. :D
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
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Thanks for starting this post. It was very entertaining to read every ones quotes. :D
Thank you! I enjoy a spot of humor - it adds something nice to the day! :)
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
-
This is a Zen joke I read in an article the other day. I thought it was kinda funny.
How much “ego” do you need? Just enough so that you don’t step in front of a bus.
~ Shunryu Suzuki
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"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."
~ Henry Ward Beecher ~
"The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood."
~ Lou Holtz ~
I thought these kind of matched up with the title of this thread! :)
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Ha ha!! That's a good one! :)
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck
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"Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."
-- Mark Twain --
;D
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"Usually when you go to someone's house they offer you coffee. They say, "You want some coffee?" I tell them, "No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix." I try to get things I need."
George Carlin :D
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I thank everone for the posts som times things get to frustrating and you really need it.
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"Usually when you go to someone's house they offer you coffee. They say, "You want some coffee?" I tell them, "No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix." I try to get things I need."
George Carlin :D
That is really funny, I laughed out loud, thanks so much for this thread!
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:in-love:thanks for making me smile
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They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
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“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
― George Carlin
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Shut-up shutting-up! WB
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
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here is a couple of quotes off of t shirts who needs a therapist when i have a sister go around me i"m retired i don"t suffer from insanity i love every minute of it well that"s it for now enjoy i know i did
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I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
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Good ones everyone :)
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When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
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Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
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I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
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This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
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Costello: I went to my brothers wedding last week.
Abbott: Who gave the bride away?
Costello: I could've,but I kept my mouth shut!
-
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
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The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Ron White
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
-
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
-
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken
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"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." — Mark Twain
-
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry
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I bought a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, " How do you pronounce that?" Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, "Four dollars and seventy-five cents" :D
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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
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If any of you are on pinterest you need to search for "grumpy cat" or just google "pictures of grumpy cat".
It is hilarious. I saw one last night that I have randomly cracked up since I saw it.
It's an older woman and she has a caption that says "Where would I be without life alert" and the next picture has grumpy cat and he says "on the floor". Funnier if you see the actual pictures. I put the pictures on a card and mailed it to my Mammaw. Yes, I got way to much laughter out of that but it is hilarious. And she will think it is too. :D
Check it out.
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:clover: I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. :clover:
Will Rogers
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:clover: A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. :clover:
Spike Milligan
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:clover: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' :clover:
Demetri Martin
-
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead
-
"To quit drinking is the easiest thing I have ever done. I must have done it a thousand times." Albert Einstein.
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If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel
-
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
-
My family is like fudge, mostly sweet.....with a few nuts. =)
-
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems,
I'm tired of solving them for you.
-
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
-
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
-
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
-
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
-
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
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Those are both "humorous and funny" - thanks!!!
-
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
-
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
-
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin
-
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
-
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
-
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps
-
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck
-
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
-
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber
-
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
-
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
-
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
-
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
-
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
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I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
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Enjoyed reading these .
-
These are real funny
-
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
-
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
George Jean Nathan
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"I really don't deserve this award.....but then, I have arthritis and I really don't deserve that either!" Jack Benny
-
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
-
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
-
From a Monty Python sketch: I don't like sex on the telly. I keep falling off.
-
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
Paul Simon
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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
-
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
Anonymous
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great jokes
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
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Men are like Bluetooth connection, when you are beside them, they stay connected but when you are away, they search for new devices.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
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By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Richard Dawkins
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My favorite is:
"Meddle not in the affair of Dragons, for thou art crunchy, and go well with ketchup!"
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Thanks for the great laughs!!!
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Rodney and George Carlin 2 of my favs!!
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
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Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
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“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres
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"A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans." "
-
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres
You've posted some great ones!
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I laugh can go a long way.
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“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
― Kurt Vonnegut
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i dont find any of these funny... :S
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" Always take the opportunity to Pee"
-Anonymous
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"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."
~ William Arthur Ward ~
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
~ W. C. Fields ~
"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
~ Laurence J. Peter ~
"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."
~ Ronald Reagan ~
Men have only 2 faults...everything they say and everything they do...no I'm not a man hater just never forgot that one ;)
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Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
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"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
George Carlin
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman
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From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss
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Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
Artie Lange
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“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson
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An oldie but a goodie, since all the funny quotes I've ever heard in my entire life are already included in this forum thread:
Why don't monsters eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Badumbum
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“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry
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“I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around.”
― Charles Bukowski
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These are great. I am not creative enough to make up or remember such quotes.
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I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'
Anonymous
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I like all the funny quotes, but don't know any. Sorry
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:) While trying to milk goats one morning they were behaving terrible. I yelled, "Honestly, you guys act like a bunch of animals." :)
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
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What has no thumbs but loves what its does? This could be a riddle! lol lol crazy. :present:
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How about Alice Roosevelt Longworths "If you can't say something nice about somebody, come and sit here by me."
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“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
― John Green
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“Do you hate people?”
“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.”
― Charles Bukowski, Barfly
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Sir, get behind the yellow line.....from the movie World's Fastest Indian. YOu would have to watch the movie to get it though. It has become a standby joke in our house when someone wants someone to deal with them immediately.
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“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
― Robert Orben
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“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
― Terry Pratchett
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“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin
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Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just kidding!” is my favorite.
— Unknown
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I like how Word will underline a mistake, let me hit ignore, and 5 seconds later underline it again like "Ooo, sweetie are you sure?"
- Anna Kendrick :D
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“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin
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I haven't had time to look for any lately. When people do post them some are funny
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"Oh, son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... who are all you people?"
- Franklin Sherman, The Critic (1994)
"There's a reason there's a banana in my ear, it's to lure the monkey out of my head."
- Franklin Sherman, The Critic (1994)
"I know that, Mr. Man!"
- Annie Wilkes, Misery (1990)
I could go on for hours. I love quotes, random movie quotes. Love em.
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"So what if I can't spell Armageddon.It's not the end of the world."
-Stewart Francis
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"I always wanted to be a milkshake" -Lincoln Hawk (Sly Stallone) in Over The Top
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I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
Savannah Highnote
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Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.
~Murphy’s Law
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If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
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Gotta love this one:
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." -Albert Einstein
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“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor
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I saw a stationery store move.
Jay London
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“Multi-tools are like insults, girls — you should always have one on hand.”
― Elizabeth Little, Dear Daughter
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I hate waking up from naps cause I'm always confused like: where am I what time is it is this earth where's my mom what day is today
-Unknown
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Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
Anonymous
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Sally: I'm giving a valentine to my sweet baboo
Charlie Brown: He says he's not your sweet baboo.
Sally: What does he know.
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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Have a good day everyone!
:rose:
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"Too much agreement kills a chat."
Eldridge Cleaver
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
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I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Bonnie McFarlane
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"You proceed from a false assumption: I have no ego to bruise."
- Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
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"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before."
- Mae West (1892-1980)
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"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor, in response to student Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express)
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Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
Anonymous