~* Humorous and Funny Quotes *~

[samjehlik]

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring

[mjoseph1]

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring

good one

[jenniferhoder]

I'm not short, I'm FUN SIZE!!!

[jmccaskill]

Teacher: "Johnny, I swear at times it seems you don't have sense enough to come in out of the rain!"

Johnny: "Yes I do! I've done it a couple of times!"

[DeliriousKris]

Benefits of dating me: you'll be dating me I could go on but I think I've made my point

[jcribb16]

"Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
~ John Lennon ~

"I have finally been diagnosed…!!! I have a serious condition known as “Awesomeness” but don’t worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!" ~ ~ Unknown ~


I'm enjoying reading everyone's humor!  Thank you for taking the time to keep adding more! 

[nickylanena]

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
 
~ Casey Stengel ~


"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
 
~ Steven Wright ~

HAHAHAH!!! Those are great! Never heard them before!

[vicogden]

"Take my wife... PLEASE!" --Some old comedian who's name I forgot and am too lazy to Google!

[jiuchan]

okay, that third quote is confusing, but good!!

love the last one!!

[jmccaskill]

'Take My Wife, please' would be Henny Youngman, master of the one-liners...

[DeliriousKris]

Dear last line of dirt on floor,

Why wont you cooperate?!

Sincerely, Dust Pan..

[jcribb16]

Dear last line of dirt on floor,

Why wont you cooperate?!

Sincerely, Dust Pan..

Ha ha!!!!  Good one! 

[paints]

" I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!" 

My friend Melissa   

[kaitsilva]

Perhaps a little morbid, but I've always loved...

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." - Van Wilder 

[narv]

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
~ Robin Williams ~

Yeah, I never understood that expression.


Here are mine:

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy." -- Ambrose Bierce, the Devil's Dictionary

"When you're one step ahead of the crowd you're a genius. When you're two steps ahead, you're a crackpot." -- Rabbi Shlomo Riskin

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx