MY FIANCE WANTS ME TO GET A FULL TIME JOB

[fc2]

I have to get my feelings out and I don't really have anyone to talk -- I like to keep my relationship issues from family and friends.  So my fiance and I have 2 kids, 3 year and a 9 month old...I work nights and weekends, about 25 hours a week as a cashier...he works 40+ hours a week at his job powdercoating.  He is always complaining that I won't get a job (I have a medical administrative assistant degree) but I feel like I really want to spend time with my kids because they are only young once.  I feel kinda bad because my fiance pays the majority of the bills - I only pay for groceries and car insurance...but I'm happy with my life, I like my job and I like my living situation...he wants to go to school but says he can't because he has a full time job and doesn't have time for school...when I was going to school I had 3 jobs and still took care of the house.  If I could do it I feel like he can do it too...I'm not saying it will be easy but I'm saying it's possible.  I have no intentions of getting a job until my kids are teens...I feel I made a mistake going to school because although maa is my dream job, I know my degree will be crap by the time I'm ready for that job and I will probably have to go back to school...as long as I have a roof over my head and food on the table I am happy with the way things are...my job pays $8.71 an hour and I'm getting a raise in April...We get success sharing and also small bonuses for certain things...

well then get a job. get on with it girl

[lorettahknox]

Dear Get a Job: You have two children who are too young to be in the care of strangers for such long hours. I don't have to tell you of the horrors that can happen to little children in the wrong environment. I think your fiance has not thought this through completely. If you get a full time job you will have the additional expense of a babysitter for two children and with your current situation you will defeat the purpose of getting a job because the money will wind up in the babysitters pocket not your family. You still have an infant that you are still bonding with as a mother to her child and you have that child's future development to be concerned about. It's just not good for the children. Try to increase your hours at work or take on a second weekend job if necessary. Keep the bulk of your time for the children I'm sorry but my opinion is it's too soon to leave them. Your fiance will have to face the fact that if he wants to educate himself he will have to knuckle down work full time and do it. That's what a man does, a man sacrifices and puts his families needs first and never deprives them to comfort himself. He is the head of the household and the responsibility is his to provide for his woman while she is nesting and that is what you are doing now. Be kind to him and appreciative of everything he does he needs your encouragement and support.

[kingozzy]

I would say stay home with the kids until they are both in school, then its a different story

[BK_Adores_Chase]

once again all good opinions and advice...did i mention i plan on voulenteering at the hospital i wish to work at that way i can keep my degree fresh, get my foot in the door, and hopefully get to know the right people...that way when both of my kids are in school, I am completely willing to get a full time job.  I wouldn't have so much day care by that point, only a couple of hours after school...it will be perfect, but that's a couple of years away.

[Cuppycake]

I have to get my feelings out and I don't really have anyone to talk -- I like to keep my relationship issues from family and friends.  So my fiance and I have 2 kids, 3 year and a 9 month old...I work nights and weekends, about 25 hours a week as a cashier...he works 40+ hours a week at his job powdercoating.  He is always complaining that I won't get a job (I have a medical administrative assistant degree) but I feel like I really want to spend time with my kids because they are only young once.  I feel kinda bad because my fiance pays the majority of the bills - I only pay for groceries and car insurance...but I'm happy with my life, I like my job and I like my living situation...he wants to go to school but says he can't because he has a full time job and doesn't have time for school...when I was going to school I had 3 jobs and still took care of the house.  If I could do it I feel like he can do it too...I'm not saying it will be easy but I'm saying it's possible.  I have no intentions of getting a job until my kids are teens...I feel I made a mistake going to school because although maa is my dream job, I know my degree will be crap by the time I'm ready for that job and I will probably have to go back to school...as long as I have a roof over my head and food on the table I am happy with the way things are...my job pays $8.71 an hour and I'm getting a raise in April...We get success sharing and also small bonuses for certain things...

Having 2 kids before getting married and expecting him to take care of you and the kids is the problem. You can't undo that. You can suggest online courses and look for a better job though.

[sak4kat]

Congrats to you on your engagement.  You and your fiance need to communicate.  One of things you might want to point out is what it would cost him if he had to pay someone for all the things you do.  If you were working full time you would have to sacrifice something in order to get all those other things done.  He should respect that of you.  After all he's sharing the perks of your hard work.  I have 3 kids.  I was lucky in the sense that I was able to stay home with my first 2 during there toddler years.  While pregnant with my 3rd I divorced and my life changed.  I didn't have the opportunity to stay home with my youngest until recently.  She's now 5.  I feel like I missed so much and she and I have a completely different relationship compared to that of her older siblings. Stick with your gut on this one.  You don't want to use the "He held me back from doing what I wanted" line in 10 years.  You sound like a smart reasonable person.  Just think and pray real hard about doing something that will make someone else happy and not yourself.

[mrisha]

You all should have discussed this before having kids and getting engaged.  Right about now your fiancee' doesn't feel you are pulling your weight even though you have 2 kids.  You all need to sit down and discuss how to sort this out or it will only get worse.

[vickysue]

Your kids come first. He can go to night school on the nights your not working. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. So the two of you really need to sit down and talk about it. Does he help out with the kids much, or help with the housework. All things must be considered.

[alwaysinstyle]

i don't ever think what everybody want or expect from me.you should know what's best for you.
Don't let anybody ruin your world because of that.Nobody can tell you what to do.They can suggest.
Last word belongs to you.

[gafee2001]

I think staying home with the kids should be a lower priority than saving enough money to help them go to college. I think the people suggesting staying home are missing some very important aspects. Going to work and advancing your family's position in the world is much better help than sitting at home giving yourself a sad justification on why it's okay not to be working.

If my fiance had this mentality, then she might not be my fiance any longer. I think your stance on the subject is characteristic of an excuse and you're just looking for other people to help you justify it.

If you think retail childcare is too expensive, then you can pretty easily find lower cost alternatives.

[trucktina]

Folks, a look at BK's other post-- Why Does My Fiance Do This?-- might be illuminating.

Another option to paying for daycare or a babysitter is to trade with your neighbors. An example: earlier this year, our finances got tight and we couldn't afford to pay someone to mow our lawn anymore. So our neighbor agreed to do it, in exchange for us watching her daughter a couple times a week (for 1-2 hours). This was how neighborhoods worked in the 70s when I grew up, and it looks like it's getting back that way. Look into it.

[BK_Adores_Chase]

omg haha i just went back and read that post...contradicted myself.  I guess maybe I used the wrong wording?  I mean he does think we never talk, but I don't think that has to do with lack of communication -- I think the lack of communication part is more talking out your problems.

[Lindaroof]

You need to have this worked out BEFORE you get married. The stresses of financial problems cause so many marriages to fail. This day and age it does take 2 incomes to be able to live, but you will need to weigh the pros and cons, the cost of daycare can be pretty costly, you may find that you would only be working to cover the daycare expenses, if that were the case then I would say you are better off staying home with your kids. Maybe you could watch a couple of kids addition to being home with yours. What ever you decide make sure it is a decision that you and he agree on. Good Luck to you.

[quietpal]

Communication, communication, communication. I can't stress that enough, especially about how you all deal with your finances. Make sure you all come to a mutual agreement as far as how to handle the situation. One suggestion might be ( I think someone already mentioned it.) would be to find out how to start a home or online business. You could do some searching to find out what you're good at or what interests you, and figure out how to turn it into income. It will take some time to build income, but you could do that on the side and still work your 25 hours. That way you could still be at home with the kids. I sympathize with you wanting to be there for your kids while they are young. I don't think it's selfish to put your kids needs first, especially since you all aren't married yet. I don't know if he fully understands what your days are like in being with the children all day and working 25 hours. Stay positive! Hope you and your fiance come to an understanding!

[KrystalStarr]

Thats a really difficult situation. I know how you feel i am a woman and i dont rhink i could leave my kids too for a long time or a full time job at this age. But the thing is the economy is really bad and its really difficult for one person to support the whole family. But what you could do is maybe open a daycare in your house. That way you would have some income and still stay with your kids. Godd luck

My fiance works full time and pays all the bills and dosent ask anything but to take care of our kids. (2 & 11months) He wants to go to school but knows it can't happen for a couple more years and is encourging me to go to school so I can get started with my career. I'm very lucky and grateful to have the option of staying home. But I babysit to earn extra money to help him out on bills or buy things for the kids so he dosent have to.. if u live in an apartment complex u can put up signs if u don't have many friends with kids. I like doing it not only for some extra cash but my kids to have somebody to play with too..