I was (and am) married for 28 yrs. My husband has behavioral problems that made life harder than it needs to be. He has many unresolved issues from his past regarding his parents and an old lover that jilted him. He is unable to move on from these things. In effect, he has voluntarily given over his whole life to those who wronged him, by emulating them and not letting go of hurt. His behavior caused a lot of mental anguish to me. He can be controlling and verbally abusive..all the same things that were done to him in his past, he now chooses to do to others. He has trouble with intimacy and so cannot be relied upon for any type of emotional support. In 2007, having had enough, I bought myself a cute little house and packed my stuff and moved in.
As part of his behavioral problems, he was devastated. The person (me) who he gave no value to while we were together, was suddenly now important. He is still in my life at arms length. I will never allow him to live with me, and the relationship is totally on my terms now. He knows that if he does not treat me the way he is supposed to, I will divorce him and take him for everything hes got. He treats me better than ever before and there are financial benefits. He pays my health and dental, gives me money and buys me things. We travel and he foots the bill. When he passes on, I will retain his sizeable pension and his property, as his spouse. Along with my own two pensions I will be extremely comfortable I am younger than he so I will probably outlive him.
I love him because I know there is a good person in there. I see his kindness and his generosity and his compassion. He is just unable to demonstrate those qualities in a day to day domestic live in situation. But I honestly cannot say I am "in love" with him. I also know if I lived with him, he would revert back to the ugly spouse he was before. I live my own life and do whatever I want. I often travel alone, and I don't rely on him for day to day stuff. I am not looking, but if I ever ran into someone that I clicked with, I know I would explore that and see where it went.
I often wonder why I waited so long to leave, perhaps I would be living with someone who is able to be a normal loving partner by now. Oh well it is what it is.
I guess the point I really want to make here is that when you are in a relationship, and it carries any kind of emotional pain..that is not normal. Do not let it go on and on. If the other person is damaged, it is not your responsibility to help him or her get right. Each adult has a responsibility to bring their healthiest mental and physical self to their partner. If that is not DEMONSTRATED ( forget about verbal promises and words!) Get out, and dont let that person victimize you endlessly.