Invasions of privacy

[brian8713]

What limits do you place on your partner with regards to the level of privacy you can have in the marriage?

I'm currently divorced, and a big contributing factor to the marriage ending was that he just did not respect my privacy. On several occasions, he read my private messenger conversations on facebook and started huge drama with me. I wasn't cheating. I may have said some things about him that weren't exactly complimentary, but if you knew some of the BS I had to put up with in the marriage, you wouldn't blame me. Lol. Aren't I allowed to vent in (what I thought was) private without everything I say being put under a microscope?

The final straw came when one of these conversations were again read by him, and he told all his friends and family what I had said. So now, I had been slandered to all our mutual acquaintances on top of him invading my privacy. He said my explanation was a load of s--t, but it really wasn't. I was venting. If anything, it was creative writing. My dream job is to be a writer and my job doesn't allow for too much creativity, so writing is my creative outlet.

Well, he didn't buy it and divorced me.

Do you have locks on your phones so your partner can't go through it? Password protected keyboard? I had both, though I recognize it's stupid when a partners can't even trust each other to respect the other person's privacy.

And do you respect your partner's privacy? I always did. I could care less what he says to friends in private. It's when I knew I had been slandered to literally hundreds of people that I decided he was not the man I thought he was and it was time to part ways.

[vickysue]

I agree with you he should have respected your privacy.  My husband does at times  get on the compute on my personal  face book page, I just never say anything  wrong.  But I know he does and don't care. If I am upset at something I text  my girlfriends, he does not  know how on his phone and  doesn't want to know.  He also know my phone is off limits to him.  I was married once before and this man was so bad that he would show up at work just when I would get off for dinner, So I cold not go with the rest of my crew, would almost sit on my lap when someone when call from work with a problem, follow me to the grocery store.  needless to say it just did not work out.

[Tresbn00]

I think that many people can not help themselves. My wife goes through the entire family's stuff. Checks my son's texts through his iPad, daughter's mail, my planner. I discovered that she was looking through my computer several years ago as well. My weakness is investing and collecting bank accounts. When I had my own corporations I was up to about fifty accounts till my wife found most of them. Not a bad hobby and I did/do not take money from the family. I have always been very frugal, saved pennies, made money at sites like fusion cash and have done pretty well with investments and keeping an eye out for money making opportunities that do not take away from the money that I make for the family. I had to keep all of these on a thumb drive for a long time but am so happy that all of my computers and phone now have finger print scan locks.

[mrsmere]

It's a trust factor but certain things should be off limits.  We never check wallets or phones. I always vent to the person I have the issue with and if I discuss it with others it's not a surprise.

[Nancy5]

I have never checked my husband’s text messages and I know he has not checked mine.  Truthfully I could care less if he did, there is nothing I wouldn’t want or care if he saw.  Sure we fight, and of course I get mad and complain to my 2 friends about him, at times.  I think it’s normal to do that, what I say is not terrible and again I could care less if he knew what I said, as it’s just normal spouse complaining at times.  I think we don’t have the need to “check” on each other because we trust each other 100%.

[lguzman1]

WOW touchy subject. I believe that in a marriage we should have privacy issues with each other. We should respect each other and  trust each other. With that said he should trust that your not cheating on him and respect you.

[UGetPaid]

I can honestly say that this has never been a problem with my wife and I. Our phones are not 'off limits' to each other. In a healthy relationship, I think it is unhealthy to keep secrets. But I have been lucky being married to a spouse who is not controlling and who would not air dirty laundry. If my spouse was vindictive or controlling, I would be writing a completely different response right now, I am sure.


Also to the OP, technically if the details your ex disclosed to other people were true then it is not slander. Was it a breach of your privacy and trust and was it likely harmful to your reputation or of people's perception of you? Absolutely. But it was not slanderous in the technical meaning of the word. But all that aside, you are out of that relationship.

[brian8713]

It was slander because he was telling people I was crazy and off my meds. Not true.

[adriarobi]

I had a marriage with a ton of secrecy on his part  He was a total jerk.

The things he said and did had a great impact on my kids, and the refuse of that still shows up at times even tho they are grown and he is long gone.

Ugh, hate even thinking about him.

 

[kathleenkleinhans]

I don't believe my husband has ever done any of these things.  I am blesses!

[aflyingmonkey]

Rule of thumb is don't put anything in writing that you don't want other people to read... assume your emails will be shared, because they most likely will, so write accordingly.

I don't have any restrictions with my partner, he can read whatever he wants, he usually couldn't care less - so that is a good sign of trust

[UGetPaid]

It was slander because he was telling people I was crazy and off my meds. Not true.

You didn't say anything about that in your initial post and simply said that he told others what you wrote. So that is what I based my comments on.

[ancmetro]

   What about when the woman is super-rich and the man is a poor beggar?
Different and separate bank accounts is the best way to handle these difficult situations!

[dsosnowski06]

Guess I am lucky our phones are not off limits but we never go into each wallets.  My husband doesn't know how to use Facebook  but I do share mine when I think it something he would enjoy. 

[brian8713]

I didn't share the full story UGetPaid. My apologies for not being more clear.