Missed you

[Nancy5]

I haven’t been here or any surveys in a few months.  Please don’t judge me for what I’m going to say, but I consider some of you friends and sometimes you have to get things off your chest.  I’ve been married 30 years, we have had our ups and downs like everyone.  We lived in a basement apartment in the beginning, and we worked hard and saved so my husband could start his own construction business (which he has).  No matter how bad or long or loud our fights were there was never any physical until a few months ago.  That was the first time he ever put his hands on me.  After it was over, he apologized over and over.  Swears it will never happen again.  I have never been afraid of him before (I am 5’2” and weigh about 120, he is 6’1” and is muscular due to his work and about 200 ). I now fear him, he could kill me, not saying he would, but I have this fear.  We are going to counseling and trying to work this out.  He has recently moved back into our home, but sleeps in another room, as I lock the bedroom door, even when he said ‘I swear I won’t hurt you again, but locking the door of a house I built seems silly’, that was said as a joke, I know that.  Do I love him, yes. Do I trust him, somewhat.  So that’s my story, sorry it’s so long. 

[stevensm4]

The possibility always existed given the size difference, but it didn't become real until he hit you and now the fear is established. I'm always on the side of the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so while he says he may not do it again; you really can't trust him. Be very wary of him from now on and be ready to defend yourself immediately, if need be, as bad as that may sound.

[alina6]

You were married 30 years and hit never hit you - what changed?

[cathy37]

So sorry for what you are going through.  My ex-husband never hit me but verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse.  I had to leave him for the me and my daughter.

[Jsnugs]

I haven't had any too. I do miss the special task work.

[Donnamarg323]

Nancy,im sure many here are sorry to hear this.Im sure it started with a verbal.I have enclosed a link that might help if you both might take a look at it.

Keep us posted and hopefully you both can work this out.

https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/g201304/avoid-hurtful-speech/

[linderlizzie]

Take my advice. Get out of the house and stay away from him. I went through this same situation. Tell him to get some help if he ever wants to see you again. My husband went through anger management and it worked. There are still some tense times but no violence.

Seriously, do not think this will change and you could die. Many women have made the mistake of trying to forgive. Once the physical stuff happens, that's when you need intervention of some kind; probably more than counseling alone.

[cateyes1]

Nancy I can so relate. Not saying he would ever do it again but what I have experienced , my ex husband use to hit me and right after say " i'm sorry it will never happen again" well, it happened again over and over along with "i'm sorry" If he does it once it may happen again. I hope in your case that isnt true. Something is going on now for him to do it after 30 years.   sorry you are going through this !!

[plennis]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Please be safe.

[dreamyxo]

I'm sorry that happened to you.  Imho once it gets physical it's over.  The love and trust is gone.  You don't hurt someone you love.  There's no excuse.  Plenty of women are six feet under thinking it won't happen again.  Nothing lasts forever.  You have to love yourself more than you love him.  Living in fear of what your spouse might do to you is no way to live.  You have to do what's best for you.  Good luck.

[stevensm4]

Nancy I can so relate. Not saying he would ever do it again but what I have experienced, my ex-husband used to hit me and right after say " I'm sorry it will never happen again" well, it happened again over and over along with "I'm sorry" If he does it once it may happen again. I hope in your case that isn't true. Something is going on now for him to do it after 30 years.   sorry you are going through this!!

I am very sorry that happen to you and any other person this has happened to. This is really f**ked up. 

[cateyes1]

Nancy I can so relate. Not saying he would ever do it again but what I have experienced, my ex-husband used to hit me and right after say " I'm sorry it will never happen again" well, it happened again over and over along with "I'm sorry" If he does it once it may happen again. I hope in your case that isn't true. Something is going on now for him to do it after 30 years.   sorry you are going through this!!

I am very sorry that happen to you and any other person this has happened to. This is really f**ked up. 

Thank you Steve. He knocked me unconscious once and still said he was sorry but he continued. Please dont take this the wrong way but he died going on 3 years now at the age of 62. I feel bad because we share a daughter but then I know he will never get to hurt me again. Our daughter is 44 and he never even laid eyes on her in all the years

[Donnamarg323]

Nancy I can so relate. Not saying he would ever do it again but what I have experienced, my ex-husband used to hit me and right after say " I'm sorry it will never happen again" well, it happened again over and over along with "I'm sorry" If he does it once it may happen again. I hope in your case that isn't true. Something is going on now for him to do it after 30 years.   sorry you are going through this!!

I am very sorry that happen to you and any other person this has happened to. This is really f**ked up. 

Thank you Steve. He knocked me unconscious once and still said he was sorry but he continued. Please dont take this the wrong way but he died going on 3 years now at the age of 62. I feel bad because we share a daughter but then I know he will never get to hurt me again. Our daughter is 44 and he never even laid eyes on her in all the years

Cat,sorry you and others hadda go thru that.Hurtful desire is a desire also of the flesh.It comes in various ways.

Sometimes when we were growing up if you wanted to fit in with a group you may have had to go thru that.

Its a good thing if we recognize it right away and act on it before it gets out of hand,but none of us are perfect and may have learned the hard way.

Sometimes others use their status to take advantage of those that are vulnerable
.As i said,it comes in various ways and sadly marriage is one of them.

If we took bibles advice on how a husband and wife should treat each other,there lies your answer.

Scroll up to the link about it.

And remember,the bible also says,"to remove the wicked one from among you".

Something Christendom hasnt done a good job in doing.

[Nancy5]

Thank you for your advice.  He has started going to anger management.  In counseling I guess I have to take some responsibility.  We both worked to build his company, and when I got pregnant with our first he insisted I stop work.  He worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to support us and start a business.  I didn’t return to work until our youngest was out of high school, and he didn’t want me to work, but I was bored so I returned.  All of our life he never questioned how much I spent, what I bought, or did we need it.  Then the pandemic came.  In the beginning his work was zero, but I was still working, although I don’t make anywhere what he did, but I was able to support us, and keep paying the bills, but we had to pull some out of savings.   Finally, this year he’s back to working full time, his crew has returned, and the office staff is back.  So I went shopping, first time in 3 years.  I came home and for the first time he asked how much it cost and when I told him, he yelled if I was freaking nuts and take it back.  I refused and yelled I can buy what I want, it’s my money!  He screamed your fxxxxxg money, I thought everything was our money.  The yelling when on and I yelled if it wasn’t for me we would have lost everything, you contributed nothing for 3 years  Then it happened.