Looking for advise regarding alcoholism...

[SherylsShado]

   I try not to be "nosey", but I care and want to help others when they need it.  I never want to get in someone's business if I don't belong in it.  I know someone that has had a drinking problem for years and it may be getting worse...I don't know as the addiction has ALWAYS been there.  This alcoholic had chosen two caretakers, gave one "power of attorney" over their financial affairs as they can't deal with them any more (because of alcoholism & health problems).  These are NOT professional caretakers (it's doubtful they finished high school), they know nothing of health matters. These caretakers have been buying computers (yes more than one), cars, snowmobiles, tvs and fancy entertainment center, cell phones, you name it---they have a garage full of new merchandise that they have been accumulating and they've been bragging. (They had NONE of this stuff before their "caretaking" of this alcoholic). They've actually told someone that the garage items are "gifts" and if there should ever be a legal battle that noone has to return "gifts"). These "caretakers" have no jobs other than this "caretaking" of ONE person.  This alcoholic never in their lifetime owned a credit card and the alcoholic is now saying they have $16,000 on credit cards and have been telling everyone that they are broke.  (This person SHOULDN'T be "broke", there's speculation that these caretakers are taking EVERYTHING so this person has nothing left to live on each month.) This alcoholic hasn't asked anyone for help, in fact says their life is all "fun" and good times, but this person never has anything negative to say about anything and isn't the type to ever ask for help... so I just don't know. The caretakers are "taking care of the alcoholic" in that they do attempt to clean the house even if they don't do a good job, they drive this person around, they do errands, they put up with the drunken rages, I think they cook but I'm not sure how healthy or how often. It seems these unprofessional caretakers are costing more than an actual professional caretaker (but then again, a professional caretaker wouldn't put up with the drinking...and if this person weren't drinking there would probably be no need for a caretaker). This alcoholic lives several states away now "out in the sticks" (because they got tired of the MANY others always trying to "help" when there's no interest in giving up the booze) and now someone is telling me of things that they "think" are going on, telling me I should do something to help this person.  I have asked them why THEY don't do something to help because they know more about the situation than I do, but they aren't interested in doing anything, which I don't understand at all--- IF there is an actual problem.  I have no proof, no real facts, no real details like that other person. I know this person that won't help enjoys having alot of "drama" in their lives, they exaggerate and get alot of their information "twisted"... so I don't know if I can even believe them.   I have no real interest in getting in someone else's business only to end up looking like a fool.  On the other hand if someone needs help and I could help, I would like to do so. What would you do? (There is NO WAY I can go visit this alcoholic at this time and won't be able to do so for quite awhile, it's just not possible to go out of state at this time for ANY reason...) Would you help this alcoholic and if so, how would you go about it?  (Or do you think it's best to not interfere?)   I'm lost on this one & it's "bugging" me....thanks for any advice!!

[lvstephanie]

I hate to say it, but I think you should just leave this one alone. It sounds like there is an alcoholic and a couple of enablers, not caretakers. I'm sure the alcoholic is fine with the situation, getting some of their needs met so they can get on with the drinking. And the enablers are happy too, getting money for little work. I think that the alcoholic is the only one that'll be able to change the situation, and things will have to get worse before they'll get better.

On the other hand, depending on your relationship with the alcoholic, there may be a legal means to stop what is going on. Although I'm no legal expert by any means, I'm thinking that that "gift" excuse may bite that "caretaker" in the butt. A Power of Attorney becomes in charge of managing the dependent's expenses, including any gifts the dependent wants to give out. Thus if a dependent is not able to cover non-essential expenses (like gifts, esp. to the person in charge of finances), the person with PoA may be held accountable financially, or may even be charged with fraud and/or embezzlement. I just found this page on some law-firms' site that goes into that a little more: http://www.clarkskatoff.com/general.php?category=Practice+Areas&subhead=Probate&headline=Abuse+of+a+Power+of+Attorney
It sounds like each state codifies what constitutes fraud by PoA and who can claim damages against the PoA agent. But basically it sounds like the alcoholic or anyone that would be in-line to inherit from the alcoholic's estate may sue the caretakers for fraud and/or embezzlement to recover the "gifted" property and money.

[missijl]

I'm an alcoholic. (I say "I am" because once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.) I went to 30 days of inpatient treatment, and I am SO glad I did... BUT... NO ONE can get that person help without them wanting help. Believe me, the time will come. It did for me and every alcoholic I know and have known. Alcoholics eventually hit rock bottom. They isolate themselves from everyone--family, friends, etc.. They feel completely alone and will usually have one more big hoorah before they ask for help. There is nothing you can do for this person except make sure that he or she knows you're more than willing to be there for them if they do ever want help. HOWEVER, you must also set boundaries! Don't send this person money. If they need groceries, etc., offer to take them to get groceries. If you send them money, they're going to drink it away. Trust me, I pawned everything I owned just for a couple of hours at the bar. Once that money was gone, I'd call my mom and tell her I needed gas money, which was really also for alcohol. My parents caught onto that little deal after I got my D.U.I.. They were very upset, but very supportive when I made the choice to go to rehab.

I hope this helps. If you're a spiritual person at all, I would suggest praying for this person.  

[stokeman455]

     Thank You!! ( missijl )  I have been a friend of Dr. Bob and Bill W. for years. I couldn`t have said it better myself. An Alocoholic definatly has to hit their bottom to realize they have a problem. They do have to want the help to change, you can`t push it on them!  Well said ( missijl )  " EASY DOES IT !! "       

[missijl]

Wow! I never thought I'd find friends of theirs here on FC! What a small (yet large) world! Keep on keeping on!

[jneff0603]

I agree that here isn't much to do unless this alcoholic has complants in which case there might be cause for social services to get involved..I'm not really sure about legalities here but anyone with a conscience should not stand by and watch as another human being is being blatantly taken advantage of IF there is something that can be done, the fact that this person has a drinking problem shouldn't factor in. I mean just because someone is old and senile, does that give someone an excuse to clean them out?

[scrap_metal_worker]

I'm an alcoholic. (I say "I am" because once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.) I went to 30 days of inpatient treatment, and I am SO glad I did... BUT... NO ONE can get that person help without them wanting help. Believe me, the time will come. It did for me and every alcoholic I know and have known. Alcoholics eventually hit rock bottom. They isolate themselves from everyone--family, friends, etc.. They feel completely alone and will usually have one more big hoorah before they ask for help. There is nothing you can do for this person except make sure that he or she knows you're more than willing to be there for them if they do ever want help. HOWEVER, you must also set boundaries! Don't send this person money. If they need groceries, etc., offer to take them to get groceries. If you send them money, they're going to drink it away. Trust me, I pawned everything I owned just for a couple of hours at the bar. Once that money was gone, I'd call my mom and tell her I needed gas money, which was really also for alcohol. My parents caught onto that little deal after I got my D.U.I.. They were very upset, but very supportive when I made the choice to go to rehab.

I hope this helps. If you're a spiritual person at all, I would suggest praying for this person.  

BEAUTIFUL!!! JUST BEAUTIFUL!!! My husband is a sober alcoholic. I never even knew what that was before I got with him. Took me a few years to understand it. I occasionally attend meetings with him, and I've been debating going to Al Anon meetings. We went to a potluck dinner just last week with an AA speaker and an Al Anon speaker and the Al Anon speaker really opened my eyes, I could relate very well to what she had to say.

Alcoholism is a disease. It never goes away. And the people who have this disease, like missijl said, must realize they have a problem and want to change, or they never will. You cannot make them want to. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, absolutely rock bottom for them to realize this. Sometimes they loose everything and still don't realize it.

It's tough, very tough to watch a person go through it, but all you can do is be there for them if they ask for help. Take them to an AA meeting, see if that might open their eyes a bit. Attend an Al Anon meeting yourself to learn. I'll be praying for you and your friend both.

[scrap_metal_worker]

And to all the AA buddies out there, keep coming back it works if you work it!

[healer_]

Ill give you all a personal experience with Alcoholism...Its heartbreaking but it has to be told.


My mother was only 38 when she died on Oct 25th, 2009.
She was an alcoholic.


EVERYONE "tried" everything they could to stop her drinking.
I say "tried" because knowing her side of the family, they didnt do sh**.

Anyways.


Me and my siblings didnt live with her.
We live with our father.
So we never really saw her drinking in action, (though I did for about 6 months when I went to live with her).
We didnt really have any idea of the damage she was doing to herself until of course it was too late.
She would have a drink morning noon and night and even in between then.
It was bad.
Her health was starting to suffer immensely.

I first noticed her decline, when she became extremely frail. She wouldnt eat much of anything. She was simply becoming different.
She was constantly in the hospital.
Abdominal fluid, I later learned.

She was in complete and utter denial about her abuse of alcohol.

It got so bad that in late september of last year, she was completly incoherent.
She wondered off from her work, leaving everything on and behind.
She didnt know her name or where she was. Completly lost all sense.
This was due because her liver was no longer function at the right levels.
The ammonia built up in her system and started messing her brain functions.
The next morning, it got worse and the ambulance was called.
The paramedics said that if they had called any later, she wouldve died.

Well she stayed in the hosipatal for a few days.
She released herself as she was in denial.
Her condition was at the end.
It was horrible.
After that first trip, she had 2 more trips to the hospital.
The second time, she went back for the same issues the first time though now it was even worse.
She couldnt walk. She could barely eat. She could barely use the restroom.
More then 90 percent of the time, she was sleeping or in incredible pain.
The doctors had told us that she needed a full liver transplant.
She was already Jaundice to the extreme at this point.
She was so frail and cold already.
She barely could remember my name and who I was.


Well, the doctors released her. There wasnt anything they could do but tell her to not drink and wait 6 months for a liver transplant.

During the time she was home, she slept. She could not walk at all. She hadent showerd in two weeks.
Her hair was unbrushable. She didnt eat. My grandmother said it was like she had given up on life. She already seemed gone, inside.

2 days later, her fiance Jimmy, brought her to the hospital at 3 in the morning because it got to be too much...

Her liver completly shut down. Her organs began shutting down. She started to bleed out.

At 5:20 am, she passed away.

At the time, I had no idea what had happend.

I can tell you though that I was dreaming that I was running down my neighborhood, and I could feel the cold as  I looked up at the clear and stared night sky. Then suddenly, there was blood everywhere.
I woke up so fast.
I layed in bed for about ten minuets.
Then I heard my phone vibrate.
Mind you, this was 6:10 am and if I had not woken up, I would not have heard my phone go off.
It was my aunt.
I knew something had gone wrong.
I heard her sniffles over the phone and her first words to me where, "Cristina, your mom passed away.."
I will never forget that for as long as I live.
I then knew that dream was her (my mom) telling me something.

I remember seeing her in the hospital and hearing her voice so clearly.
Everything is still extremly vivid. Ill never forget it.
Its haunting.
She knew she wasnt going to make it.
She knew.
Her last words to me was when I was leaving her hospital room, "tell your nikki and elijah I love them.."


It kills me every second of everyday.
I cry almost everyday.
I miss her so much and would give anything to have her back.
Its a pain that no one will understand unless it happends to them.
It indescribable.


I share my pain with you all, in great detail, so you all can save yourselves and others you may know, form keeping this there fate.

She had Cirrhosis of the liver.

Her birthday is this thursday.
She wouldve been 39.

Alcoholism is extremly serious.
Ive just told you probably the worst case of drinking.

It makes me proud to say that I have never and will never have a sip of alcohol.
If anyone has questions, I will answer them.


Im not sure where to leave this , but thats my personal experience with Alcoholism.

Take this as a chance to save someone.

<3

[sigmapi1501]

Most of the time I'm a *bleep* when I post something. But this is a serious subject I have some experience with. I'm 8 and a half years sober.  I'm a friend of Bill W.   

A little prayer can go a long way.  Also right now this person will take advantage of anyone and anything.  DO not give them money.  If they ask for help, then help. Rock bottom is different for everyone and even though this debt may sound bad to you, it may not be rock bottom for this particular alcoholic.

And in closing, accept that chances are this alcoholic won't make it.  Only 2 percent do.  (Roughly) 
It sucks because they are hurting and you just wanna help them but they are not the person you know and love anymore. They are a selfish-self-centered shell of what they used to be.  I hope for the best.

[missijl]

And to all the AA buddies out there, keep coming back it works if you work it!

It works if you work it, but you gotta' work it EVERY day! 

It's NEVER too late, and people can change if they want to. Like I said, I'll always be an alcoholic. If I don't manage myself, I will have alcoholic tendencies just as bad as if I were drinking.

**ANYONE with an alcoholic and/or addict in their life needs to get to Al-Anon a.s.a.p.! You don't realize how much control the alcoholic/addict has over YOUR thoughts and emotions until you get help for yourself.**

P.S. Rent the movie about Bill W.'s story if you haven't seen it. It's amazing to see what all he went through in his life before creating help! 

P.S.S. God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the person I can,
and the wisdom to know that that person is ME.