Parents And Their Grown Up Children

[demaina]

Ok, this is sort of a rant so I just want to put that out there before I get started.

Some background information:
I'm 22, just graduated college in December (major in Computer Science focusing on Game Design), and have been trying to figure out what I want to do next.

It was 4 o'clock in the morning and my mom walks in and asks when I plan on going to bed.  I'm sitting there working on the storyline of game I'm creating for my portfolio so I say "once I finish this thought".  She responds with "do you think you're talking to a friend" and later says I had a tone when I said that.

My first thought is I'm over 21 so why is it an issue that I'm staying up late?  My sister (26) has to go to school tomorrow at 11 and went to bed at 3 and my mom doesn't say a thing about that.  My second thought is I'm sitting in my room, I'm not out at a bar or anything.  I'm quietly typing on my computer with my headset on so it's not like I'm making a ton of noise or anything.  My third thought, and the one that sorta bugs me the most, is the fact I've never really done anything all that bad in my life.  I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't steal or do anything illegal.  Never caused or been in a car accident.  The only friends I really hang out with have either been friend of the family (our dads met in high school and our families have been friends since) or they are my high school friends (all of which have met my family).  In either case, all we do is go out to dinner and talk, possibly see a movie, go bowling, or stay at each others house and play games.  I once stayed out past midnight (normally when my parents want me home) but I asked if I could see a movie and told them it would run late and they said it was fine, AND even mentioned I didn't need to ask.

Now, obviously there is that "Their house, their rules" thing I'm sure someone will point out.  However, my dad has come down for work at 7 in the morning and seen me working on whatever and doesn't say a thing about me being awake all night (he knows it's all night cause I don't get up that early without a reason).  He normally just asks what I'm working on and then says have a good day.  So it's not like there is a rule that I have to be in bed at a certain hour or anything.

Also, it's not like I'm just being a bump on a log or anything.  Since I've graduated, I've gone to the store almost every week to get lunch meat and whatever other groceries we need.  My sister and I share the responsibility of taking care of our dog.  I've done the dishes (and at the very least I always clean my dishes) and even helped with laundry.  And after all that I work on my game portfolio so I can get a job later.

Anyway, my main point with this is how it drives me crazy when my mom treats me like a kid.  I understand she's my mother and everything, and that mothers are always mothers, but I don't quite get why I'm yelled at for things that really aren't all that bad to begin with when all the rest of the time my mom will brag about how good her kids are.  Also, I should mention that she is just heading to bed at 4 am when she talked to me.

Is it just me or is this overkill for supposedly having a tone and staying up late, especially since I'm an adult?

To anyone who reads this, thanks for bearing with me.  I don't like to bug my friends or family with my issues so I don't really have any other way to get these things out.

[luvh8tragedy87]

Maybe it wasn't necessarily you it was your mom. That she was the one in the bad mood. I'm 24 and still live at home (Kudos on graduating college by the way. I haven't figured out quite what I want to do yet) and I get the occasional brunt of my parents bad moods. Like my dad has a difficult boss, my mom works with kids so they're in a bad mood sometimes. But like you said she's your mother so there's always going to be that mothering instinct there. I'm an only child so I get it. My dad likes to know where I'm at and if I don't answer my phone it's always "you didn't pick up I was worried!" So don't sweat it.

[cateyes1]

Being a Mom myself with a 34 year old daughter and a 29 year old son who both live outsid the home now  , I myself was never like that....your Mom should be proud that you graduated and like you mentioned not out on the streets doing what allot of young people do which is drugging or drinkng....I was going to mention but you already pointed that out that it is her house so her rules, kinda like a power trip for her  ....or maybe she is premenopausal and if that's the case my middle name was "*bleep*" .......anyways I know easier said then but, in my eyes anyways and for what little it's worth you are doing NOTHING wrong honey. Just keep the respect for your Mom and maybe once in awhile ask her if SHE is having a bad day....comunication goes a long way  ...good luck!!

[scollontrade]

I am a father of 2 sons that are now in their 40's and we have had a good relationship all that time so I can reply with some experience. If I were your father I would be extremely proud of your accomplishments and the fact that you have no serious vices. However, you are 22 years old with a degree and still living at home. At 22 I had a degree, a wife 1 son and a job. I am not comparing you to me but as a father we worry about you on a couple of areas. Number one is you do not mention a job. Perhaps if you got even a part time job at a computer store or something. The second thing I would worry about is the all nighters. That is a red flag to me. I am now 69 years old and in my experience constant all night sessions are not a good thing. You may be the exception but look at it through your parents eyes. My final point is that Moms are a different breed of person. Their main job in life is to protect their children. Our sons are in their 40s but to their mother they will always be her little boys. If you are like me there will come a day when you will miss them terribly. Have a blessed life my son.

[CHANEYLAKEGIRL]

I have 2 adult children living at home. Both are expected to work, help out with the house/yard work, pay their own expenses and pay some rent. I don't care what hours they keep necissarily, as long as the previous things are happening. They both are having a little bit of a hard time figuring out what direction they are going. I'm ok with that as long as they find something to do in the mean time and I'm not supporting them completely financially. Do you help your parents out with housework and pay rent/bills? My attitude toward my adult children would be a lot different if they expected everything from me.

[cateyes1]

I am a father of 2 sons that are now in their 40's and we have had a good relationship all that time so I can reply with some experience. If I were your father I would be extremely proud of your accomplishments and the fact that you have no serious vices. However, you are 22 years old with a degree and still living at home. At 22 I had a degree, a wife 1 son and a job. I am not comparing you to me but as a father we worry about you on a couple of areas. Number one is you do not mention a job. Perhaps if you got even a part time job at a computer store or something. The second thing I would worry about is the all nighters. That is a red flag to me. I am now 69 years old and in my experience constant all night sessions are not a good thing. You may be the exception but look at it through your parents eyes. My final point is that Moms are a different breed of person. Their main job in life is to protect their children. Our sons are in their 40s but to their mother they will always be her little boys. If you are like me there will come a day when you will miss them terribly. Have a blessed life my son.

I too have a good relationship with my son NOW but with my daughter (in her eyes ) I went wrong  .....I like the part where you say that  in a Moms eyes they will ALWAYS be our babies which leads me to believe why my daughter and I dont see eye to eye anymore.  I tell her that she will ONLY understand where i'm coming from when her kids grow up .......anyways I like you thoughts Dad 

[dreamyxo]

The issue to me wasn't the fact that you were up late but your mother perceived your tone to be less than respectful.  Maybe you were a little snappy and didn't realize it because otherwise your mother would not have said what she said.

[lywb2168]

I am a mother of 2 girls 5 years apart, my oldest is only 18 and the youngest 13, my 18 years old stayed home and is going to a Community college for now, she goes full time to school and has a part time job.  She knows that as long as she calls and let us know that she will be late or not coming home we are OK.  I do have a problem with not notifying us.  As amother you will always be our babies and I tell them that all the time.  But if my 18 years old daughter stays up until 5 am it is her problem. if she stays late and has to get up early for school or work, then she better do that or else.  Now my 13 years old knows better than to do that during school session, but on the summer she can stay late as long as she wants.  I agree with the other poster that said that maybe your mom had a bad day and did not like to see that you where still up.  Yeah she might have not like your tone, and maybe you were a tad snappy at her without even realizing it and that is why she got upset.  Maybe she is worried that you are not working and that you stay up all night.

Just be patient and talk to your mom a lot.

[blondie71]

Ok, this is sort of a rant so I just want to put that out there before I get started.

Some background information:
I'm 22, just graduated college in December (major in Computer Science focusing on Game Design), and have been trying to figure out what I want to do next.

It was 4 o'clock in the morning and my mom walks in and asks when I plan on going to bed.  I'm sitting there working on the storyline of game I'm creating for my portfolio so I say "once I finish this thought".  She responds with "do you think you're talking to a friend" and later says I had a tone when I said that.

My first thought is I'm over 21 so why is it an issue that I'm staying up late?  My sister (26) has to go to school tomorrow at 11 and went to bed at 3 and my mom doesn't say a thing about that.  My second thought is I'm sitting in my room, I'm not out at a bar or anything.  I'm quietly typing on my computer with my headset on so it's not like I'm making a ton of noise or anything.  My third thought, and the one that sorta bugs me the most, is the fact I've never really done anything all that bad in my life.  I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't steal or do anything illegal.  Never caused or been in a car accident.  The only friends I really hang out with have either been friend of the family (our dads met in high school and our families have been friends since) or they are my high school friends (all of which have met my family).  In either case, all we do is go out to dinner and talk, possibly see a movie, go bowling, or stay at each others house and play games.  I once stayed out past midnight (normally when my parents want me home) but I asked if I could see a movie and told them it would run late and they said it was fine, AND even mentioned I didn't need to ask.

Now, obviously there is that "Their house, their rules" thing I'm sure someone will point out.  However, my dad has come down for work at 7 in the morning and seen me working on whatever and doesn't say a thing about me being awake all night (he knows it's all night cause I don't get up that early without a reason).  He normally just asks what I'm working on and then says have a good day.  So it's not like there is a rule that I have to be in bed at a certain hour or anything.

Also, it's not like I'm just being a bump on a log or anything.  Since I've graduated, I've gone to the store almost every week to get lunch meat and whatever other groceries we need.  My sister and I share the responsibility of taking care of our dog.  I've done the dishes (and at the very least I always clean my dishes) and even helped with laundry.  And after all that I work on my game portfolio so I can get a job later.

Anyway, my main point with this is how it drives me crazy when my mom treats me like a kid.  I understand she's my mother and everything, and that mothers are always mothers, but I don't quite get why I'm yelled at for things that really aren't all that bad to begin with when all the rest of the time my mom will brag about how good her kids are.  Also, I should mention that she is just heading to bed at 4 am when she talked to me.

Is it just me or is this overkill for supposedly having a tone and staying up late, especially since I'm an adult?

To anyone who reads this, thanks for bearing with me.  I don't like to bug my friends or family with my issues so I don't really have any other way to get these things out.

It just parents being parents, my son is going to be 21 and I try so hard not to but in,but sometimes you want to protect and help them see that they

[dana2bs]

I have a son who is 21 and is still in college. I caught myself asking him when he planned on going to bed when he was here for winter break. He gave a look and i walked away and asked myself  why I even care what time he goes to bed.
Went back into his room, now 3am and told him I was sorry but it is based on a simple habit that I have as his mom. We have gone through these kinds of issues all the way through his and my development. We literally sit down and talk about the fact that I am still his mom thinking that he still reacts to me the same way no matter what his age. I have explained to him that he is growing up but not letting me know that some things have changed for him and therefore I treat him the same. As a result we both are reconnecting and realizing that we need to speak more often about our expectations of each other as this time in his life he is changing and his need for me to watch over him in the same way that I did when he was in high school is simply not relevant now!
Maybe if you sit with your Mom and say that you need to speak to her about your needs and hers, you both will connect better and help everyone grow up together without all the misconnections that go on!

[lucky382001]

It might be that your mother is concerned about your health if you aren't getting your sleep more than it stemming from the under my roof my rules attitude. But if you want to be taken seriously as an adult you need to talk to her about it and find out for sure.

[gamerpeeps]

No matter what your age, moms will be moms. I have a 28 year old that just moved back home and I am tempted so many times to be "mom". I mean like voicing my opinion of "your're spending too much" or "you're drinking too much", etc.... It's difficult to bite your tongue when you love your child but I have managed incredibly well. I have always dealt with my children with respect. The tables have been turned on me too. I am 55 and my mother still treats me like a child. Know that your mom loves you and only wants what is best for you. Next time she treats you like a child, just roll your eyes and put a smile on your face because you have a mom that cares.

[b1pearl]

When do you start to trust your GROWN KIDS? Out of my 4 Grown children, I tried to trust (or allow them to gain my trust) but as usually I am told a lie or something close to the truth. They are always asking for something for nothing and believe that they deserve what ever they want. I keep telling them to recognize what they do to others,because they wouldn't like. I love my children dearly and wouldn't trade them in the world, but they need to know that they can't continue to think that the world is surrounded around them. Wake up kids and smell the coffee!

[ptfunds]

I am the mother of a 34 year old. Reading your story I could not find any reason for the incident other than your mom just might not have been in a good mood. Or it's possible she hasn't adjusted yet to the fact that you are a grown man. At this point in your life it is up to you when you go to bed. Computer Science was my major as well and believe me I spent many later nights/early mornings programming for my degrees.  You sound like a wonderful son who is conscious about making a contribution. If your mom hasn't made the complete transition yet to seeing you as an adult - give her time. Good luck!

[awette26]

maybe she was just in a bad mood that day or tired. and as you said she is your mother so no matter how old you are she is gonna be overprotective even if you are 80. but i mean dont take it too hard maybe she didnt mean to hurt you that way