To stay or to go??

[camellia0]

I have a co-worker who told me that her husband put his hands on her in front of the kids (age 6 and 12). She got a restraining order. Her family lives in England and she is here in the U.S. She works, but her income is nothing compared to his. She's thinking about forgiving and taking him back. My concern is that it can happen again, maybe worse. I don't know what advice to give her, so I've kept my mouth shut.

[JaniceSW]

I used to work with domestic violence victims. The statistics show that once a person does it, they are more apt to do it again.  She is demonstrating to her children that this behavior is alright if she stays with this individual.  She needs a support system.  She needs to not feel ashamed that this is happening to her; rather that he should be ashamed that he is doing it.  Also, listening to his apologies and statements that he won't do it again is often fruitless. If he sees that she will listen and keep quiet time after time, he learns that he can get away with it. She needs to use the legal system and press charges and get a Personal Protection Order.  She needs to learn about the resources for domestic violence victims in her area.  Get on the computer and look them up.  Talk to them.  Ask for an advocate.  Communicate with her family.  Get out!  Talk tto an attorney about her legal rights.  Take action for not only herself but her children.

[countrygirl12]

What does "put his hands on her" mean?  The fact that the kids were there is irrelevant.  If he hit her then I would need to know the circumstances around it.  It is up to her whether she wants to leave him.  But if she is considering staying with him because of the money they I would think it was not that big of a deal.  I probably would not throw my marriage away if this is the first time anything like this has happened. 

[hitch0403]

I am all for forgiving someone but she must be sure.If he is using the leverage cos he has ALL the money i would take Janice advice getting legal help.

If she wants to take him back cos of the money its NOT a good idea.If she feels he is sorry for his actions that is different.The money should be secondary.She will get paid in divorce for the abuse.Her life and kids are more important.

[ancmetro]

   Do not be a domestic violence victim. There are laws to protect you.

[sherryinutah]

I think you were smart to keep your mouth shut because the decision is hers....

Sometimes people "vent" but they don't want someone making suggestions about what to do. 

I'm amazed at how many people tolerate domestic drama and abuse for financial reasons.  She's taking a big risk if she stays.

[cwillard1]

It is good you kept your opinion t o yourself.  Because people in these situations need someone to blame for what happens beside themselves.  She needs counseling and to know that once it starts it never stops without help from someone and usually they turn on the kids because they try to stop the aggression.   

[davissy]

I think it'd depend on if he's truly sorry.  If he's sorry, then he should agree to some type counseling..therapy, alcohol/drug rehab (if that's what fueled the violence).  The onus is on him to prove that he know what he did was wrong and is willing to work to prevent it from happening again.

[mrisha]

The problem is allowing the man to put his hands on you.  He hits you, then you pick up anything at hand and hit him back.  That will certainly give him pause to think the next time it occurs.  If you don't stop him at that moment, that is giving him the ok to hit you again.  Never allow that to happen again.

[linderlizzie]

I have a co-worker who told me that her husband put his hands on her in front of the kids (age 6 and 12). She got a restraining order. Her family lives in England and she is here in the U.S. She works, but her income is nothing compared to his. She's thinking about forgiving and taking him back. My concern is that it can happen again, maybe worse. I don't know what advice to give her, so I've kept my mouth shut.

The phrase "put his hands on her" is pretty vague. If you're her friend, and you know that her husband harmed her in any way then don't "keep your mouth shut."

She and the children need to get out. If it weren't for the money, would she stay? If the answer is no, then she should go. Domestic violence knows no economic strata. The rich and the poor experience it.

Restraining orders do little to curb violence.  It does not go away once it starts regardless of apologies. The abuser always says he's sorry after the fact. Then there comes the next time.

You're right when you fear it may get worse. It will. That apology and subsequent reconciliation may end in the death of your friend. There are places she can go for help. Don't wait!

[BlackSheepNY]

I have a co-worker who told me that her husband put his hands on her in front of the kids (age 6 and 12). She got a restraining order. Her family lives in England and she is here in the U.S. She works, but her income is nothing compared to his. She's thinking about forgiving and taking him back. My concern is that it can happen again, maybe worse. I don't know what advice to give her, so I've kept my mouth shut.

Here's my advice.  Once an abuser, ALWAYS an abuser.  Tell her to pack up her kids, get in touch with her family, and RUN as FAR and as FAST as she can!

[dreamyxo]

If she got a restraining order does this mean he is out of the house?  She needs to go on and file for divorce.  She needs to save money and be prepared to get her and her kids away.

[dogsleash]

if it happens once it will happen again . i say do what you have to and make it work with ot him.

[sak4kat]

I've read the responses to how others have responded.  And I think listening is great.  If she confides you again find out what sort of physical abuse is involved and let her know you care. aren't a trained professional but feel she should find out her options.  Safety first.