Divorce

[brian8713]

So, I'm currently going through a divorce. I'm a gay 30 year old man. My ex-husband and I broke up, long story short, cuz he did not respect my privacy, repeatedly reading my private texts looking for stuff to be offended by. He was also terrible with money. He bankrupted me, ran up 10s of thousands of dollars of debt, of which he isn't offering to help me pay a penny. He didn't help at all with house work or yard work. He'd be lying on the couch watching sitcoms or partying with his friends while I was struggling to push our lawn mower. Lol. Plus, he was a party-er. I am not. So, we were a horribly mismatched couple, and were actually only together for a year and a half, so it's probably not as big of a deal as many make it out to be. In fact, I'm sending out the paperwork to be notarized next week and I'm pretty happy about it.

My question is, why do break-ups always have to demonize one person? In his narrative, I'm the bad guy. He was screaming at me, "you are not the victim here" the day after we broke up. He's so determined to blame everything that happened on me, up to and including saying I was the one that put myself into debt (beyond ridiculous ... I'm as cheap as they get). He had me unfriend all of "his" friends on facebook, and even though I let him live with me rent free and bought him a brand new car, I'm still somehow the bad guy because of private texts I sent to friends that were, yes, a little *bleep*, but a week before, he had driven me to tears in front of his family. I had my reasons. Lol.

I guess my point for this post was to vent a little bit. Is divorce always a bad thing? I think it's for the best for me in the long-run. I'm finally free to do what I want, rather than feeling obligated to waste time with him, and having him sulk around if I say no. I have a roommate so I'll be able to keep my house, and because I'm not stupid with money like he is, my finances will continue to improve. I just get sick of the "Oh I'm so sorry" from everyone, or the "What happened?" nosiness. Why is it any of their business what happened? He apparently thinks it is, since he's slandered me to anyone who will listen, but I just wish things could be more amicable. Sometimes, couples don't work out. People make mistakes. Moving on isn't always a bad thing. End of rant.

[teresa3200]

I'm so sorry about your situation. It does sound like you have everything under control though. I hope it all works out for you.

[aflyingmonkey]

People are going to ask what happened, not necessarily out of nosiness, but out of concern for you & to be polite... if they didn't care they wouldn't ask.   Always stay positive & know that what ever you say will probably be repeated - also whatever you write will be passed on....  you don't want to be like him, rise above & be vague & positive when talking about your situation to others.

Divorce isn't a bad thing, he sounds like an abuser & a user, good to get out of the situation while you can, there is someone more in sync with you out there, you don't have to settle for this negative situation.

Best of luck to you & it sounds like you are back on track with having a positive life --

[BATISTAGIRL663]

I am so very sorry about your situation --i hope things get better real soon

[Ittai]

Sorry to hear! I dont have any really good answers for you on that.
I have to say that it sounds like you are now back on track with things. Hope all works out.

[Jayce2013]

You don't want to hear the "Oh I'm so sorry" answer... but that's the classic you will hear from anyone, as of course.. in bad situations the first thing you get is other people's sympathy (real or fake).

One thing that comes to my mind is... you were together only a year and a half in total? Well next time you'll know to marry a person after getting to know each other a little longer!!
It IS A BAD thing... (and it is not)... divorce means: you believed in something... and you failed! And that's bad.... BUT it can also turn into something good as like you said, from now on you will be "free" again, and you surely learned your lesson... and you'll be wiser and stronger... and for your next relationship you exactly what you want and what you don't want nor need.

It seems that every time people slip, it automatically gets the worse out of everyone... in a bad moment all you can do is be angry, forgetting all those good times and happy moments.
But according to how you describe him, he was definitely not the right person for you.... pretty self destructive and  clearly also childish.... (having his friends delete you from their fb pages).... but than, that is normal too as most of the times when two people split, their friends have to take a side according to who they know better..

I've been married since 2009, interracial relationship (not easy... totally opposites minds, coming from two different worlds... literally... America and Italy).... soo many ups and downs...

Think that, in your case, in the end, this was the better choice and the best thing for you... you can only get better and happier from here on.

Good luck with everything!!!

[lguzman1]

Divorce can be very messy. I think divorce lawyer have something to do with it too and put things in your mind that you didn't think of.

[sak4kat]

I have 2 divorces.  Messy, children involved 12 years of building a family just wasted away.  It was bad.  I was mean.  He was an alcoholic.  I needed a husband.  I needed a father to our 3 children.  He needed lots of liquor.  He needed more time away from our "family" to drown in drunkeness.  2 divorce.  Married to a professional con-artist.  STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! On my part.  People ask for all sorts of reasons.  Some care.  Some are nosy Nelly's. Hopefully you meet the right one.  The person designed for you.  The person to compliment you as much as you compliment them.  If not... you seem to be a logical person.  You got this adult thing down without needing someone by your side. 

[brian8713]

Oh yeah, we were engaged after 3 weeks of dating. I know I made a terrible decision marrying him, and regret it. Frankly, I don't see myself wanting marriage again. I value my independence too much. If I want to go to bed at 9pm now I. An do it without Mr Busybody wondering if there's something wrong. I get couples share stuff with each other, but it felt like I had no privacy and going through my phone crossed the line. On days like today, I'm relieved to be left alone.

[mrisha]

Before the marriage, did you not know that your husband was lazy, sneaky and a liar?  In so many cases it is found that a lot of people do not know the real person until after the marriage.  That is when the devil  appears and you see the real person. 

I am sorry you had to see the real husband after the marriage.  I wish you peace of mind and to start focusing on you.  I know how you feel-been there and it wasn't fun.  Blessings to you.

[brian8713]

I didn't know before the marriage. The night before we got married, we had a huge fight because I called him an alcoholic via text to a friend and he went through my phone. Should've been a red-flag that he didn't respect my privacy, and he IS an alcoholic. Truthfully, he didn't show his true colors til after we broke up. The verbal abuse has been awful. I've been called crazy and accused of being off my meds, and told I should be ashamed of myself for selling family heirlooms to pay off HIS debts. He should be ashamed that he put me in that situation to begin with, but nope, I'm the bad guy. Blame Brian for everything. Lol

[stretch1967]

So sorry to hear that. Try and put it behind you and move. Don't bring yourself down

[brian8713]

I'm trying. I just keep reminding myself that his opinion should mean nothing to me. He's a loser, but more than that, we were a ceey I compatible couple. Now, I'm free to be myself again.

[PGS28]

Divorces turn nasty because one or both parties are hurt.

[brian8713]

Yeah, I guess he is/was hurting more than me. That's why he got so nasty, but it's still not an excuse.