Dealing with a family member with an addiction

[Sweetpea1228]

My husband and I started having marital problems about 6yrs ago. I could never figure out why he was having such drastic mood swings . He was becoming violent towards me and would leave for days at a time. I recently left him after I found out he was using meth and because he won't get help. I feel like I've broken my vows because I'm supposed to be there for better or worse. Has anyone else gone thru this, is there hope?

[walksalone11]

You did the right thing, period.

Worse would have been as in the case of a very close friend of mine's Mother, who returned to an abusive relationship only to be abducted, tortured, raped made to kneel as a bullet was sent into the back of her head.

Zero tolerance for abuse of any kind.

[sammywantsya]

my bro has a smoking and drinkin addiction but he trys to quit which is a good thing.. kind a proud of the kid to stick with his promise to quit..

[jadedjenni]

Anyone who tries is far more patient than myself.  I had a real peach of an uncle and after so much, I just had no tolerance for it.  But that's easy for me to say, I've never had drugs or alcohol run my life.  They're not that important to me.

[swkstudent]

My father did drugs (he's deceased) and so did my uncle (he sometimes still does w/o us knowing). Drugs really do turn people into monsters and I'll to help, but there is only so much a person can do.

[Abrupt]

You have to get tough with addicts.  No sympathy and no compromise.  This is often a difficult thing to do as you have to remove your typical emotions.  I have never had to deal with such a situation myself, but I believe it is different depending upon what the person is addicted to.

[walksalone11]

You have to get tough with addicts.  No sympathy and no compromise.  This is often a difficult thing to do as you have to remove your typical emotions.  I have never had to deal with such a situation myself, but I believe it is different depending upon what the person is addicted to.

If you have never had to deal with the situation yourself, then what expertise do you base your game winning play on?

[Abrupt]

You have to get tough with addicts.  No sympathy and no compromise.  This is often a difficult thing to do as you have to remove your typical emotions.  I have never had to deal with such a situation myself, but I believe it is different depending upon what the person is addicted to.

If you have never had to deal with the situation yourself, then what expertise do you base your game winning play on?

Game winning play?  I offered no such animal, and gave standard sensible advice.  What are you smoking in that pipe to come at me cross like that?  If you must know, though, I have taken some classes on addiction and addictive behavior and treatment.  I had to participate in drug and alcohol treatment programs for 7 years because I checked a box that asked "have you ever consumed alcohol" and another box that asked "have you ever used any illegal drugs".  Does that make me an expert?  Hell no, but I would assume I might have a bit of an understanding in the nature of the subject, considering I have had first hand experience witnessing the results and testimonies of thousands of people that have gone through such things.

[walksalone11]

You have to get tough with addicts.  No sympathy and no compromise.  This is often a difficult thing to do as you have to remove your typical emotions.  I have never had to deal with such a situation myself, but I believe it is different depending upon what the person is addicted to.

If you have never had to deal with the situation yourself, then what expertise do you base your game winning play on?

Game winning play?  I offered no such animal, and gave standard sensible advice.  What are you smoking in that pipe to come at me cross like that?  If you must know, though, I have taken some classes on addiction and addictive behavior and treatment.  I had to participate in drug and alcohol treatment programs for 7 years because I checked a box that asked "have you ever consumed alcohol" and another box that asked "have you ever used any illegal drugs".  Does that make me an expert?  Hell no, but I would assume I might have a bit of an understanding in the nature of the subject, considering I have had first hand experience witnessing the results and testimonies of thousands of people that have gone through such things.

WHOAAA....Dude......***snickers***

[barbme1972]

My brother is a recovering addict of 7 years come August.  His drug of choice was marijauna...probably didn't spell the write.   Anyway, he was never violent towards anyone, but he stole and then lied about it, of course.  And his fiance, is a recovering addict of 7 years from meth.  She developed bipolarism from doing the drug and is now on daily meds to keep her moods stabalized, which to help.  I can say that you did the right thing with getting out of the situation of violence.  I can tell from your initial post that it was not easy to do.  I can offer you this hope that when he is ready to get help, and that time will come maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next month, he will come back and apoligize and try to make things right.  When he does, be there to listen.  I know that the trust is shakey, but when he is ready to quit and seeks out that help that he will need to do it, he will want you to listen.  It might be hard at first especially if in his addiction he continues to hurt you, but listen anyway.  Unfortunately there isn't much you can do until he hits rock bottom and starts seeking out that help.  Stay strong and be patient.  Stay away for your safety until the time for change comes.  Not sure if you are a religous person or not, but keep the Serenity Prayer in your mind and heart.  I wish you luck and hope.  Things will get better even if it is a long way off right now.

[walksalone11]

My brother is a recovering addict of 7 years come August.  His drug of choice was marijauna...probably didn't spell the write.   Anyway, he was never violent towards anyone, but he stole and then lied about it, of course.  And his fiance, is a recovering addict of 7 years from meth.  She developed bipolarism from doing the drug and is now on daily meds to keep her moods stabalized, which to help.  I can say that you did the right thing with getting out of the situation of violence.  I can tell from your initial post that it was not easy to do.  I can offer you this hope that when he is ready to get help, and that time will come maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next month, he will come back and apoligize and try to make things right.  When he does, be there to listen.  I know that the trust is shakey, but when he is ready to quit and seeks out that help that he will need to do it, he will want you to listen.  It might be hard at first especially if in his addiction he continues to hurt you, but listen anyway.  Unfortunately there isn't much you can do until he hits rock bottom and starts seeking out that help.  Stay strong and be patient.  Stay away for your safety until the time for change comes.  Not sure if you are a religous person or not, but keep the Serenity Prayer in your mind and heart.  I wish you luck and hope.  Things will get better even if it is a long way off right now.

When he changes.......right.....as in the case of another friend of mine who left an abusive relationship. Later the guy swore that he had changed and wanted to try and reconcile. My friend went to talk to the guy and soon he became threatening again. She called law enforcement who came out, found no probable cause and left. No sooner was the cops out of sight then the guy grabbed a golf club and beat my friend in the head with it until she was unconscious. She spent several days in the hospital with a concussion. Yeah, take his word for it, maybe he made some changes.......maybe not.

[barbme1972]

When he changes.......right.....as in the case of another friend of mine who left an abusive relationship. Later the guy swore that he had changed and wanted to try and reconcile. My friend went to talk to the guy and soon he became threatening again. She called law enforcement who came out, found no probable cause and left. No sooner was the cops out of sight then the guy grabbed a golf club and beat my friend in the head with it until she was unconscious. She spent several days in the hospital with a concussion. Yeah, take his word for it, maybe he made some changes.......maybe not.

Um, I think you have missed the point of the original post in the thread.  He became violent due to drugs, meth, to be exact.  And Sweetpea was looking for some hope and answers.  I might not have the answers but I could offer her some hope.  One day, her husband will hit rock bottom with his addiction....and he will want to change at that point.  But only he can do it.  I agree that most who are abusive can not change if the abuse is in their nature. But her husband started using drugs and that is where the main issue is here. 

[walksalone11]

When he changes.......right.....as in the case of another friend of mine who left an abusive relationship. Later the guy swore that he had changed and wanted to try and reconcile. My friend went to talk to the guy and soon he became threatening again. She called law enforcement who came out, found no probable cause and left. No sooner was the cops out of sight then the guy grabbed a golf club and beat my friend in the head with it until she was unconscious. She spent several days in the hospital with a concussion. Yeah, take his word for it, maybe he made some changes.......maybe not.

Um, I think you have missed the point of the original post in the thread.  He became violent due to drugs, meth, to be exact.  And Sweetpea was looking for some hope and answers.  I might not have the answers but I could offer her some hope.  One day, her husband will hit rock bottom with his addiction....and he will want to change at that point.  But only he can do it.  I agree that most who are abusive can not change if the abuse is in their nature. But her husband started using drugs and that is where the main issue is here. 

I have an ex-brother-in-law who was a really great guy. He began using meth, and at times acted like he was literally insane....very very violent with no signs of compassion or care for others well fare of any kind. Many many people have died at the hands of others who had "changed". I will not get on the ol' warm and fuzzy to abusers bandwagon. There should be nothing short of total zero tolerance for abuse of any kind. If they can and do change, I'm happy for them, but most don't and I would never advise someone to play those kinds of odds with their saftey, just because someone says they changed. She is away from him, my advice is to wish him well(from a distance) and never ever look back.

If she decides to take your advice and go back around him and he harms or kills her....you share the blame. Good job.

[barbme1972]

I have an ex-brother-in-law who was a really great guy. He began using meth, and at times acted like he was literally insane....very very violent with no signs of compassion or care for others well fare of any kind. Many many people have died at the hands of others who had "changed". I will not get on the ol' warm and fuzzy to abusers bandwagon. There should be nothing short of total zero tolerance for abuse of any kind. If they can and do change, I'm happy for them, but most don't and I would never advise someone to play those kinds of odds with their saftey, just because someone says they changed. She is away from him, my advice is to wish him well(from a distance) and never ever look back.

If she decides to take your advice and go back around him and he harms or kills her....you share the blame. Good job.

OMG!!!!!  You totally missed the point of my posts.   I know that most abusers don't change and people do get hurt if they seek them out, or believe that they have changed and do something stupid like be around them by them selves.

Ok then.  Sorry Sweetpea that this has gotten out of hand, that wasn't my intention.  When and if he comes around after hitting rock bottom and wants to talk, don't do it alone.   

[walksalone11]

I have an ex-brother-in-law who was a really great guy. He began using meth, and at times acted like he was literally insane....very very violent with no signs of compassion or care for others well fare of any kind. Many many people have died at the hands of others who had "changed". I will not get on the ol' warm and fuzzy to abusers bandwagon. There should be nothing short of total zero tolerance for abuse of any kind. If they can and do change, I'm happy for them, but most don't and I would never advise someone to play those kinds of odds with their saftey, just because someone says they changed. She is away from him, my advice is to wish him well(from a distance) and never ever look back.

If she decides to take your advice and go back around him and he harms or kills her....you share the blame. Good job.

OMG!!!!!  You totally missed the point of my posts.   I know that most abusers don't change and people do get hurt if they seek them out, or believe that they have changed and do something stupid like be around them by them selves.

Ok then.  Sorry Sweetpea that this has gotten out of hand, that wasn't my intention.  When and if he comes around after hitting rock bottom and wants to talk, don't do it alone.   

or.....she could face the fact that it would be much more appropriate for him to talk to a therapist or some such, unless of course she is entertaining the thought of allowing him the opportunity to lure her back into a very dangerous situation, in which case, she may be needing the services of said therapist, herself.