This topic is locked, no replies allowed. Inaccurate or out-of-date info may be present.

  • Print

Topic: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?  (Read 1084 times)

SherylsShado

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 2052 (since 2007)
  • Thanked: 56x
Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« on: January 08, 2015, 02:04:36 pm »
 That was probably a "strange" question.  Everyone I know, including myself have been heartbroken at the onset of a loss...whether it's been loss of family, friends, or pets.  The time that grieving lasted varied.  The deepest wounds never truly heal.

 A few of us recently lost someone very special.  Tears have flown like water, so many are feeling a huge loss.  Except for one.  This person was the one person closest to her,  but no emotion from her except "coldness".  She has apologized a few times for appearing to be so "cold",  but says she still hasn't even grieved for one of her parents that died two years ago.  (I'm not sure why she keeps apologizing.  No one has expected an apology.)  It just seems so bizarre to lose a loved one and this person just goes right on like nothing has changed.

 Is it "normal" for someone to not even yet begun to grieve, when that person has been gone for two years and it's a parent??  (As far as I know, she had a close relationship with that parent.)  And then now, she can't grieve for one because she hasn't yet grieved for the other???

Just curious...because I don't know anyone that's ever said that to me before.....               ????????????
« Last Edit: January 08, 2015, 02:22:50 pm by SherylsShado »

hitch0403

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 3882 (since 2012)
  • Thanked: 117x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2015, 02:44:49 pm »
Is it possible the one who is supposed to grieve does it in such a manner its not noticable?

We are commanded to honor our parents....kinda hard NOT to cry when we lose them.

madeara

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 3105 (since 2008)
  • Thanked: 102x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2015, 02:47:20 pm »
Hi,
Nothing is typical about the grief process.  Just as people are different, so too is each person's grief process.  I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in my prayers.
*Image Removed*

aggie49

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Platinum Member
  • *********
  • Posts: 4345 (since 2010)
  • Thanked: 110x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2015, 02:55:11 pm »
it begins when you except the loss of someone my mom passed awat 3 years ago and it still hurts just as it did the day she passed way you just got to move on and you will never loose the greif but it gets better

vickysue

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Platinum Member
  • *********
  • Posts: 4867 (since 2011)
  • Thanked: 135x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2015, 03:08:39 pm »
Grief is a bitter pill and some people have a hard time with it. I often think of my sons and mother, all have been gone for awhile now. But I prefer to keep them alive in my heart and always try to remember the good times as it hurts on the bad times.  I totally believe they are all together now and all are at peace. Some day we will all be reunited.

moomoofarm123

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 666 (since 2013)
  • Thanked: 17x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2015, 03:43:48 pm »
It varies, like madeara said. Not just from individual to individual, but on the circumstances as well.

For example, I know someone who lost her husband to cancer a few years back. He was sick for a very long time. When I attended his service, she, her sons, and her grandchildren appeared to be holding up remarkably well.

As for this "cold" person you mentioned, SherylsShado...does she typically display emotions? Or is she stoic?  It could be she IS grieving, but she is manifesting it in other ways. Or, perhaps, her parent was also sick for a long time, and she grieved during that period.


For further reading...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
http://www.webmd.com/balance/tc/grief-and-grieving-what-happens
http://seniorliving.about.com/od/lifetransitionsaging/a/grieving.htm



On the other hand...it is also possible she suffers from some sort of mental/personality disorder, and is thus unable to feel grief.

For further reading...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/the-10-personality-disorders
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

bremer51

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 2688 (since 2012)
  • Thanked: 101x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2015, 04:05:30 pm »
I would never stand in judgement of another's grieving process.  Sometimes its so hard you can't bear to think about your loss. Sometimes you are so relieved that your loved has come to the end of pain and suffering.  I think its very complicated.

SherylsShado

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 2052 (since 2007)
  • Thanked: 56x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2015, 05:08:34 pm »
 I know this gal had taken care of the parent as the parent was dying  from cancer.  She talks about the funeral, the deceased parent like she's talking about the weather--- with no emotion. 

I've seen her show emotion when she gets mad--she can have a horrible "temper".  I've seen her get excited about something good happening to her.   Sometimes she says things that I don't think a "normal" person would say and I never know if I should question her about it or let it go...

We lost the sweetest soul ever and there have been so many-- SO sad.  One look at everyone and it's easy to see the shattered hearts.  But not hers.  (She did say " it bothered me for about fifteen minutes and then I went back to work".)  She's NOT a "work-aholic".   When she talks about the death, she is talking about details that are too painful for me to want to know.  I didn't ask her, she has no problem telling me anyway. (Details which I think should be kept to herself out of respect,  and I told her so.  She said she is an "open person" & doesn't like to keep secrets.)

Her exact words "I hope I don't seem like I don't care or that I seem cold.  I just can't grieve right now as I've never grieved for my parent yet".   

I don't see what one would have to do with the other.  I want to ask her what she's waiting for, because the parent has been dead 2 years.  (That's a callous question but, you know....how long must a person be dead before she can begin to grieve?)

I've seen people grieve in different ways but with her it's like absolutely nothing has happened.  Since she was closest to the deceased, people have been asking her questions about what happened.  (Nothing excessive, just the normal questions from concerned people) and she snapped today saying she was really getting tired of people asking questions about the recently departed.  That was also surprising to me because usually she loves talking to people, you can't get her to shut up.

She seems to enjoy discussing  the death on her terms (almost seems to enjoy it more if she knows the person she is talking to is in extreme pain about the loss).  It seems if someone asks about the departed with more interest in that, than in how she's doing, she gets mad.   It's almost as if "she's jealous that she isn't the center of attention".....which is awful to say but,  yes.  I'm thinking there HAS to be a personality disorder there--- but she's not on any medications that I'm aware of and no one has ever said she has a disorder.   

It's very puzzling and it's been frustrating.  If she doesn't (or can't) grieve, that's up to her.  A bunch of us just wish she'd show some respect then.  I told her today that "the one that died had a beautiful heart,  I think she deserves some respect, it's the least you could do".  She just scoffs, like she's done quite a few times since the untimely death.   

I didn't post to "judge her", her behavior has been so puzzling & bizarre I was hoping to find a clue here as to what is going on because the rest of us here are sorta confused.....




hitch0403

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 3882 (since 2012)
  • Thanked: 117x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2015, 09:20:38 pm »
You read these stories how some animals are treated and you ask yourself how people can treat them this way...

You see that lunatic that blew away 2 police officers a few weeks ago and again you ask why....

I guess i am saying i question that stuff before i question someone who has ice water maybe in their veins.

kapeh12

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Silver Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 1827 (since 2010)
  • Thanked: 50x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2015, 09:58:00 pm »
To me it sounds like she's made a choice somewhere along the way to lock her emotions away.  Since it sounds like she was the caretaker, she may have had to out of necessity as taking care of someone you care about for a while, and seeing them in pain, is highly stressful.  It was a choice for emotional survival in order to stay focused on caring for the parent.  She probably feels relief now, and on some level feels guilty that she feels relief when others around her are feeling the pain of grief.  That's probably why she keeps apologizing.

If this is the case, her attitude isn't bizarre or meant to be hurtful - she's simply still in an emotional survival mode.  Talking about the death academically helps her detach from the emotion of the loss and keep the emotions locked away.  The pain could be so unbearable that she may fear she'll explode, so it's simply easier to keep them locked up.  However, the pain of grief will eventually become too much to hold in, and she'll eventually need to allow herself to feel through the grief.  Something, someday will trigger that release.

I was not a care taker for my mother when she suffered with cancer for a 3 year battle, but for other reasons in my childhood, I had decided to "turn off" my emotions.  I showed happiness and I showed anger - but not much else.  When my mom passed, there was a sense of relief, like our family had been holding its breath for 3 years, and now we could finally relax.  I was the oldest of the kids, and was always the "responsible" one.  I didn't cry much at the funeral because I felt the need to "stay strong" for my dad and brother and sisters.  Instead, like the rest of my emotions, I bottled up my grief.  Then a couple days after the funeral, I had to go back to college where there was no room to grieve as I had to stay focused on my studies as best as I could.

It took 5 years before I was in a place to allow myself to finally grieve the loss of my mom.  I was on about an 8 month roller coaster of emotions as I allowed myself to let all that suppressed emotion out - and it physically hurt as I was still instinctively fighting to hold it in but at that point there was just too much and I couldn't hold it back any more.  After finally getting through it, I knew I had finally fully grieved and was fine every since.

So, is it strange that she hasn't yet grieved for a parent that died 2 years ago because she was focused on staying strong to care for another who just recently died?  Not in the least in my eyes.  It could very well be several more years before she'll be able to allow her guard to break down to the point where she can grieve, and when she does, it won't be pretty.  Not only because it will be hard for her to let the emotion out while her instincts are probably to keep the held back, but also when she finally does grieve, she won't have a support group grieving with her as everyone else is grieving now - she'll be grieving alone in the future.

With that in mind, if you stay in contact with this person, and several years from now she starts acting "strange", it could be she's starting to let the grief out.  If you suspect or learn this is the case, be a good friend and be there to support her.

That's my 2 cents on the topic.

SherylsShado

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 2052 (since 2007)
  • Thanked: 56x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #10 on: January 09, 2015, 06:48:41 am »
Ohhh, thank you kapeh12!!

Everything you said has helped to finally put my heart at ease.  You really shed some light on this matter.  I was getting to the point where everything this person was saying & doing was really irritating me.  I guess when everyone's in a world of hurt, there's no such thing as "normal behavior".....it's just doing what one has to do,  to cope the best that they can.

  The others here that have noticed her just "dismiss" it but I couldn't, perhaps because I was the one hearing her "strange comments", not them.  I was trying last night to think of how best to end the friendship and changes I'd need to make to avoid her.   Your "two cents" has not only changed my mind,  you've brought me the much needed peace!!  :)


sexyivy_1

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7 (since 2015)
  • Thanked: 0x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2015, 08:15:34 am »
right as soon as your brain focuses on someone passing or realizes that someone passes

debidoo

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 3692 (since 2010)
  • Thanked: 148x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2015, 08:55:39 am »
My mom died 5 years ago and I still grieve for her although it has gotten somewhat better - its not when it begins that is the question for me it is when it ends and I don't think on some level it ever does - my husband of 34 years died two years ago this Jan 23rd and it is a daily grieving I do although not on the level as last year which was horrible.  I don't know.  :heart:

bigfoot951

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Gold Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 2388 (since 2009)
  • Thanked: 26x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2015, 06:43:11 pm »
Yeah it seems like a strange question, but that's ok.  It seems strange because there is no answer.  It is quite different for everyone and for every situation.

stbernard1973

    US flag
    View Profile
  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 92 (since 2014)
  • Thanked: 8x
Re: Typically speaking, when does the "grieving process" begin?
« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2015, 07:33:44 pm »
There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to grief, I don't think.  Every person is different and every situation that every person goes through is different.  No two people are going to grieve the same way about the same situation.  The same person won't grieve the same way over different losses in their own life.  Losing your parent is going to affect you in a different way than losing your child, losing a brother or losing a pet. 

My grandmother is someone that I never saw cry a single time in my life.  When her husband passed she didn't cry in front of anyone.  Same with her mother and her siblings.  It wasn't that she was a cold woman because she wasn't.  She just preferred to grieve in private and be strong for those she loved.

I was the primary caregiver for my grandmother who had Alzheimer's for 10 years.  When she passed away, I didn't cry.  It wasn't because I didn't love her or respect her or miss her.  Quite the opposite.  I worshiped the ground she walked on.  Over the course of those ten years I had a lot of time to accept the inevitable.  I grieved every day of those 10 years and I grieve for her every day since.  Now, it is the same with my mother.  She has MS and mini strokes and she's not doing very well.  When she passes, I may be nothing but tears or I may not shed a single one.  I am grieving for her every day because I know that one day I won't have her here with me.  I won't know how I will react until that day does come.

Death is a very natural thing.  There is not another thing that every single living thing on this planet will experience except death.  Not every one gets married.  Not every one has kids.  Not every one will experience the loss of a pet.  But every single living thing will die.  We all deal with grief in our own ways and those ways are normal for the individual.  I don't think there is any wrong way to grieve.  Grief begins and ends (if it ever really does) for people at different times. 

I think this is one of those questions that it is impossible to have a single answer to.

  • Print
 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
3 Replies
1898 Views
Last post January 25, 2012, 07:53:49 pm
by lbryanwf
44 Replies
3083 Views
Last post October 07, 2012, 07:38:30 pm
by oldbuddy
8 Replies
1705 Views
Last post July 02, 2013, 11:21:30 am
by BlackSheepNY
0 Replies
844 Views
Last post January 31, 2014, 08:32:48 am
by mythociate
3 Replies
1381 Views
Last post February 12, 2014, 06:32:10 am
by mythociate