Jokes

[mwbintacoma]

Hello There,
i was sitting here bored so i thought that maybe i'd come up with a topic to throw out there...so if you know a joke please share...

here's one to start off:

Q: How Many Blonde Jokes is there?

A: None, they're all true

[destinyredd]

Hello There,
i was sitting here bored so i thought that maybe i'd come up with a topic to throw out there...so if you know a joke please share...

here's one to start off:

Q: How Many Blonde Jokes is there?

A: None, they're all true

Have you heard about the NEW LINE of Bernie Kosar pantyhose?

They're guaranteed NOT TO RUN! 

[mwbintacoma]

Another Joke:

 
  In a murder trial...   
 
     In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
 

[mwbintacoma]

  A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
 

[vcervantez]

good one

[MystedMoon]

Wow, someone else who made a joke section. LoL
I made a Jokes, stories & funny pictures thread a few weeks ago. 

[BlondeDragon]

Hello There,
i was sitting here bored so i thought that maybe i'd come up with a topic to throw out there...so if you know a joke please share...

here's one to start off:

Q: How Many Blonde Jokes is there?

A: None, they're all true

Watch it!

[mwbintacoma]

                                         -I Want to Buy That-


A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[jetskimax]

Lol, thanks for the chuckles - I especially likes the lawyer joke. 

[mwbintacoma]

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

[mwbintacoma]

Actual stupid questions asked
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[LendaL]

This isnt exactly a joke..cuz it actually happened..but it still makes me laugh when i think about it..



ONE EVENING AFTER GETTIN HOME VERY LATE (and having left my cell phone behind)

my son hears me at the door and is on his way down stairs an says:.

"YOU GETTIN IN KINDA LATE .MOM WHERE WERE U"?
.I LOOKED AT HIM AN IGNORED HIM...SO HE ASKED AGAIN... AND I KEPT IGNORING HIM...(cuz im grown hell)

FINALLY AFTA HIM ASKIN FOR ABOUT THE 4TH TIME.., I TURNED TO HIM AN SAID..

"FOR UR INFORMATION MR NOSEY, I WAS OUT LOOKIN FOR MY "SALVATION AN REDEMPTION"

after givin what i said a little thought...my son turns to go back up stairs an says:

"WELL IF 'YOU'
WERE OFF LOOKIN FOR "YOUR" SALVATION AN REDEMPTION....
YOU GOT HOME WAAAAAAY TOO EARLY!...

[alissatucci]

Question: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Answer: Because it was dead.

[MystedMoon]

Question: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Answer: Because it was dead.

Awwwww but- LMAO
Guess that'd be as good a reason as any to fall out of a tree.

[MystedMoon]

This isnt exactly a joke..cuz it actually happened..but it still makes me laugh when i think about it..



ONE EVENING AFTER GETTIN HOME VERY LATE (and having left my cell phone behind)

my son hears me at the door and is on his way down stairs an says:.

"YOU GETTIN IN KINDA LATE .MOM WHERE WERE U"?
.I LOOKED AT HIM AN IGNORED HIM...SO HE ASKED AGAIN... AND I KEPT IGNORING HIM...(cuz im grown hell)

FINALLY AFTA HIM ASKIN FOR ABOUT THE 4TH TIME.., I TURNED TO HIM AN SAID..

"FOR UR INFORMATION MR NOSEY, I WAS OUT LOOKIN FOR MY "SALVATION AN REDEMPTION"

after givin what i said a little thought...my son turns to go back up stairs an says:

"WELL IF 'YOU'
WERE OFF LOOKIN FOR "YOUR" SALVATION AN REDEMPTION....
YOU GOT HOME WAAAAAAY TOO EARLY!...

LMAO