Got Jokes? Post them here!

[jmtalboo]

Secret to a long life



A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,
             sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
              "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
              "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
           Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

         On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

              "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

                                      "Forty-four," she replied.

[trax6977]

What is round but not always around? Light sometimes but dark sometimes. Has been walked on but only a happy few have ever walked on.




The Moon

[sweatytree]

I like it jmtalboo...

[jaba187]

Secret to a long life



A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,
             sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
              "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
              "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
           Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

         On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

              "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

                                      "Forty-four," she replied.


My aunt sent me this exact same joke, I thought it was pretty funny

[Arnoa94]

What do you call a gay bar with no seats? A fruit stand....

Lame, i know

[Falconer02]

[debraleesparks]

 :wave:Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?

A: Is that you coughin'?

[debraleesparks]

  Prize winner

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads .

"W I N A B A G E L"

[jmtalboo]

Did you know?...

The testicular guard (cup) was first used in baseball in 1874, but the helmet wasn't introduced until 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

[muush88]

Whats 40 feet long and has 8 teeth?



front row of a willie nelson concert

[jmtalboo]

Whats 40 feet long and has 8 teeth?



front row of a willie nelson concert

Willie is the man and I like some of his stuff, (I like many types of music) but that was lol funny, and so is this...

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.   

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world  complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 

 
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.    I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. 

 
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 

'No Kidding,' he said. 

 
'Thirty-five years old and you  both still believe in genies?'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. 

 
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 

'No Kidding,' he said. 

 
'Thirty-five years old and you  both still believe in genies?'

[debraleesparks]

 First Class?

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

[brilohr7]

Math joke-  What did the tree say when it grew up?
Ge-om-e-tree 

 

[Tere2]

  those were all good ones..this is one I got from a friend at work:


One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on so he called one of his angels and sent the
 angel to Earth for a time. When he returned he told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a
moment and said,"Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get
another opinion." 
God called another angel and sent him to Earth for
a time.  When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, its true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."  God
was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because
he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help
them keep going.  Do you know what the e-mail said?






Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either. :-(

[Gothy505]

Rick Astley once got Chuck-rolled. He shortly died.