Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures

[trinnies_mom]

I am opening this thread for people to post their jokes, stories & funny pictures.
This is just a way of people to break the ice and have a great time on here. Too many get so uptight over small things in life and need to loosen up a bit.

So if you have anything to share that could possibly make someone elses day, put a smile upon their face or just give them a good laugh. Then this is the forum thread to do so.

Ok.....so back to the telling of jokes and stuff to lighten this place up!!! I heard some great words of wisdom on the radio yesterday from the infamous Larry The Cable Guy! He says that its ok to crack your knuckles, but its not ok to knuckle your crack. 

[MystedMoon]

I am opening this thread for people to post their jokes, stories & funny pictures.
This is just a way of people to break the ice and have a great time on here. Too many get so uptight over small things in life and need to loosen up a bit.

So if you have anything to share that could possibly make someone elses day, put a smile upon their face or just give them a good laugh. Then this is the forum thread to do so.

Ok.....so back to the telling of jokes and stuff to lighten this place up!!! I heard some great words of wisdom on the radio yesterday from the infamous Larry The Cable Guy! He says that its ok to crack your knuckles, but its not ok to knuckle your crack. 

LMAO!!  I love Larry. "Get er Done" 

[alissatucci]

Okay, so these are pictures of my kids, but I think they are funny. haha....

[MystedMoon]

Okay, so these are pictures of my kids, but I think they are funny. haha....

Well, they do fall into the "Funny Pictures" category.
Thanks for sharing, you have adorable children. 

[MystedMoon]

[MystedMoon]

The following link is to a video that I remember growing up & was in my early teens when it came out. Although my listening preference is Metal & Classic Rock. I do enjoy music by bands like this. Hope you all enjoy it as well.
Funny video too! 
Also, if anyone would like to add me to myspace, my name there is metalhead1970. I no longer have referral links posted there so it's ok to give my name out here now.


http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2559489

[MystedMoon]

A bit of Holiday humor for everyone.

[calmtngal]

Hello all,
I just joined the forum today and found this jokes and stories thread.

I know this is very long, however if you make it all the way to the end you will not be disappointed.

Enjoy

This is great!

This is very funny - just think about it---------

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had a thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in and get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extrodinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my Behind cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to
normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip.

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My Behind is sealed shut. SEALED SHUT!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head
may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
"So, my Behind and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While
we go through various solutions I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor .

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT
WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......
ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[mrmike2007]

Xmas humor?

[MystedMoon]

Xmas humor?

lmao

[masterjego]

ROFL!!!

[LendaL]

*What Starts with "F" and ends with "K"*



A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your Problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister Is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!!"

[MystedMoon]

*What Starts with "F" and ends with "K"*



A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your Problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister Is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!!"

LMAO! 

[LendaL]

No Pun In Ten Did!!!
~~~~
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.


Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

[trinnies_mom]

Oh God, this was just so funny! Just saw this one today and cracked up over it!