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jlb001

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #75 on: March 04, 2008, 08:49:43 pm »
   the bathroom

funny, but men dont talk in public bathrooms.... well, not strange men.




meadowsmay1130

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #76 on: March 04, 2008, 08:58:55 pm »
you take thing too literally :D any who here's another one

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
 question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
 called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
 woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs.
 Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
 I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
 you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
 cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
 about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
 shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll
 never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
 pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,
 he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do
 you know the defense attorney?'

 She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a
 youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
 drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
 with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst
 in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
 wife with three different women. One of them was your
 wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

 The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench
 and, in a very quiet voice, said,  'If either of you
 idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to
 the electric chair.'

Madd4Money

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #77 on: March 04, 2008, 10:13:13 pm »
Where are you finding these??? Both of them are hysterical!!! 

Thanks for the laugh :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

meadowsmay1130

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #78 on: March 04, 2008, 10:22:51 pm »
my friend emails them to me all the time i have a folder just for them, when i need  a laugh i go read a few ;D
i have a bunch more but cant figure out how to get them here because of the pics in them
« Last Edit: March 04, 2008, 10:27:32 pm by meadowsmay1130 »

Madd4Money

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #79 on: March 04, 2008, 10:33:19 pm »
Try this and see if it works.

Right click on the pic in the e-mail and select Save Picture As - name it of course

Copy and paste the words to your post.

Upload the picture from your computer by using the Browse button.

It's always worked for me, but a lot of time it can depend on the size of the pic.   :wave:

I look forward to seeing more of your jokes.  :thumbsup:

meadowsmay1130

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #80 on: March 04, 2008, 10:50:24 pm »
i will try that, and i am glad you liked them, heres a laugh 4 you (this was just like me when i was a kid )


Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."


Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!!!

meadowsmay1130

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #81 on: March 04, 2008, 11:06:35 pm »
Distinction between "Guts " and "*bleep*"

 


We've all heard about people having guts or *bleep*. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

*bleep* - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the *bleep* to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!


meadowsmay1130

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #82 on: March 04, 2008, 11:52:06 pm »
Divorce letters

 

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.


You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you


heres another
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

 


A couple drove down a country road for several miles,


not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."



   
****************

WORDS


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, " What?"

****************

CREATION


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

****************

WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,

that it indeed says........ .. "HEBREWS"

****************

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were givingeach other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

****************

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. Really !.



jlb001

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #83 on: March 05, 2008, 01:48:20 am »

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
 question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

this reminds me of a true story... i heard the story on GPR from an author... as it happened to her... from this area (augusta georgia)

somehow a publishing company from new york got in touch with her and arranged to publish a book of her "down home southern recipes".

she talked about her trip to yankeeland and her dealings with those book people.

when asked about a certain cake and how long it should bake, she replied.. "until its done, you dont want to eat raw cake do you?"

on another recipe she was asked "how many people does it feed?"

she replied, "how many people are you trying to feed? four ladies stopping by after church or four growing teen boys? because if its the boys.. youre gonna need alot more food."

 ;D

i love my people.
 

« Last Edit: March 05, 2008, 01:50:46 am by jlb001 »

sms0922

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #84 on: March 05, 2008, 04:33:02 am »
Here's a cute one I got this morning.................

 Final Countdown

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

tjones911

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #85 on: March 05, 2008, 05:04:25 am »
Here's a cute one I got this morning.................

 Final Countdown

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."


lol That sucks for him! x)

criesenbeck

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #86 on: March 05, 2008, 08:19:42 am »
 :angry7: wish Friday were here already!!  :sad1:

criesenbeck

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #87 on: March 06, 2008, 04:39:33 am »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I lmao while reading this.....
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.


At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
his *bleep*.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.


8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of
him.


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his *bleep*.


10)We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"


12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".


13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffys.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

sms0922

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #88 on: March 06, 2008, 05:33:59 am »
lmao!!! :D

jlb001

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Re: Jokes*Stories*Funny Pictures
« Reply #89 on: March 06, 2008, 07:50:26 pm »
heard about the Irish gang in NYC?  The st. patty's day gang.   When they do a drive-by, if you're not wearing their colors,. . they jump out and pinch you!   

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